tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81364476613905003442024-03-13T15:34:34.300+00:00'My Head Noise' -La Reve blog'In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer'- CamusLa-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.comBlogger282125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-25205576854635478032013-08-19T21:12:00.002+01:002013-08-19T21:12:56.670+01:00I'VE MOVEDI have decided to start blogging again so for those of you who have stumbled here, or who would like to read then please find my new blog at
http://www.whenshewearsredlipstick.blogspot.co.uk/.La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-87081787597117982532013-02-09T22:18:00.001+00:002013-02-09T22:18:34.815+00:00Since i last blogged
Since I last blogged
I completed second year of my degree and did v.well.
I got discharged from CMHT
I got pregnant
I got reffered to Perinatal Psychiatry
I got left for entire pregnancy until few weeks prior to delivery due to shortages and staff sickness
On 3rd February I had a second son.
Sorry for the matter of fact way I write that but so much that I dont have time or mental space at present to put it into proper sentences to write about the struggles up and down and the joy of carrying a child of the anticipation of actually recalling this ones first few weeks anw with happiness. Of the difficulty of coming off meds whilst pregnant coping on nothing and at the same time having any support vanish. Oh its been a mixed bag.
And here I am a second time mum and I am being seen daily- perinatal cpn, crisis and midwifery and they want me in hospital they have me a bed. And i have these terrible thoughts not to hurt him- I would never hurt him but to take him away and I wont sleep less they come for him and its 7 days now. they have given me risperidone as well as Valproate and today it made me cry. Made me cry because I feel so confused with it all. I try to do my best but I always hurt the ones I love and I was selfish 9 months ago and now Im selfish for not doing the right thing, I dont know what that is?? La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com44tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-52281150415533151882012-04-08T23:05:00.001+01:002012-04-08T23:29:15.554+01:00My last 6 months-ish- IM BACK-for catch-upHello Everyone<br />
<br />
I have been gone for so long- It's been nearly 6 months since I wrote so I cant and wont presume there is anyone who will read this but I have missed you all out there in the blogosphere. I had to stop blogging for several reasons. <br />
<br />
Firstly, someone- one of my readers sent my prof (Shrink) a link to my blog which partially resulted in me getting sectioned, so I felt I couldnt write here anymore without it being analysed. He now knows the blog is no more so he wont be coming here. Secondly, I wanted to take a break after 3 years of blogging I felt I had said it all many times and then all the concern I got whilst lovely left me feeling very guilty for writing things that would cause such distress.<br />
<br />
Lastly, Life kind of got in the way - who knew there was a life in between mental health act assesments and psych appointments, cc meetings and police chases. Well there was ..THERE IS.<br />
<br />
<br />
So how to summarise how things have been, I have managed the occasional tweet and even a trip to London to meet some of you, but here it is:<br />
<br />
I haven't really talked about this before here and to do so is quite risky but I went back to University despite missing the first two months being in hospital and despite the kind lecturers allowing me only a week to catch this all up. I managed!!!.. I am half way through a five month placement which will see me finisihing the second year of my course and I am on target for a First as well, although I try and say that modestly with the intention of proving that things can really turn around for people and not a YIPEE AREN'T I GREAT moment. All things being well in just over a year I will be a qualified MH professional myself. EEkk!<br />
<br />
I know that must sound odd and alarming to some reading.I mean you look back to my posts last year or any other year and my life was so chaotic and risky- so what of the mentals you ask?? Well- they are still there. I had a difficult time just over a month ago..I disclosed what had happened to me in hospital to my shrink who then tried to pressure me into making a proper complaint and held/still holds me responsible for others safety, for keeping him at large. I tried to drown that thought out in a very bad way and I had MHA assesment 17(I think its 17 but lost count). It was a blip a reasonable sized one but only a blip. Things hit rocky patches briefly at times but mostly it has been uneventful and I have had no contact with crisis, police or hospital otherwise.<br />
<br />
I am not recovered. But I am stable enough to know that, to know that it is hard work most days but to know I can do it and I can help others too. My current placement is going very well, its not MH directly but I come across mild MH problems. Its very strange being on the other side of the fence- I had a lady say to me last week that 'she felt under the weather, but I couldn't possibly understand as I had never felt down'. I will say its both wonderful and tragic to hear that in my position. Wonderful that I must come across so stable and unaffected but tragic that professional boundaries forbid me from reaching out to her and telling her there will never be another worker of hers that could understand it more, but alas- its not about me so I kept quiet. Although I must admit another small part of me wanted to laugh out loud at the absurdity of it all. <br />
<br />
And so to recap mentally I still see prof he still continues to be concerned at times but not in anyway to the same level and hospital is never mentioned - I see him every 4 weeks. I still have a cc but I see her sporadically and mainly to pick up meds which for the main part I do take. But now I live for the majority of time in that other world otuside my blog, my illness and my appointments..Who knew there was more out there. And I realise that I am not my illness nor do I walk around with that label on my head- for all to see. <br />
<br />
I continue to question at times my suitability to help others when I have struggled so much to help myself but I am always midful of this and wouldnt continue on this path if I thought I was ever going to be anything less than a good worker. I have had too many professionals let me down to ever give anyone any less than my all. Whilst everything I have ever written on this blog has been real, very real it does not sum up all of me. Yes my mind has been chaotic but I am really very boringly normal in real life and as my lecturer said the me on paper, and the me in person do not add up and 'you would never believe you had been assessed or in hospital let alone 17 times and sectioned'- But those were his words. I hope the few of you I have met can attest to that.<br />
<br />
So every day I drive past the psych hospital with my city council lanyard I work less than a mile away and every day I have to shake myself to remember only 6 months ago I was sectioned there. I see patients who were there with me walking about outside my office on leave and I smile but they no longer know who I am- I am the badge I wear and they cannot marry the out of control person needing to be sedated on the wards with that badge. Its a little sad but I cant be service user and professional all at once thats not how it work, I have to switch rapidly between the two as necessary, its ok - Im used to rapid switching :)<br />
<br />
I have been told by my supervisor that she has never seen such a well adjusted confident person as I am as a student. She doesnt know. I like that she doesn't. I like that for once mental illness is sidelined. My little boy will soon be five - he is coming to the last year of school and his teachers report him to be bright, outgoing and popular and that is my biggest achievement - as I feel like a terrible lousy mother for what I have done in the past and that I almost left him, so I hope he continues to be unaffected.<br />
<br />
And that concludes this rather oddly disjointed catch-up. Except to add - Happy Easter- did someone say it was the 8th - Pah. :0)La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-67634241876918913392011-10-27T20:13:00.000+01:002011-10-27T20:13:54.567+01:00Reflections on a scary nightI have reopened my blog temporarily in lots of ways I am paranoid about who reads here in think services have found it, and others. <br />
<br />
Anyhow there is somethibng cathartic about sharing the thoughts in my head. On september 10 In was detained under section 2 of the mental health act and I am officially discharged next monday. I want to talk about suicide and such related themes so consider that a warning to read no further, should it trigger.<br />
<br />
I have often had suicidal thoughts, thoughts that I cant go on cycling from mood to mood and thoughts that I am evil and it would be better for me and everyone if I killed myself. I have gotten near to death too many times and in many ways I have been a ticking timebomb for much of last few years, but my closest brush with death happened during my recent incarceration.<br />
<br />
I deeply believed I was evil during admission if I remember correctly(its hard to remember when I am that ill/hospitalised). Also I couldn't and still cant believe I had been sectioned it was assesment number 14 and I thought there was no way I would ever hear those words that would take away my freedom. I hate hospital even if it was a new hospital with single ensuite rooms. Anyhow I think 2/3 weeks into incarceration I decided I was going to kill myself. I was on a psych ward but there were several ligature points I had noted and swung off so knew took my weight. I knew exactly how to tie a noose, that had been googled, practised and perfected months ago. I had my bed sheet.<br />
<br />
So I waited until early hours when the 3 night staff were in the office and I took one of the chairs tied the noose placed it around my neck tied it to the ligature point and kicked away the chair. As I hung there im not sure what was going through my head, relief mostly but a little panic. I decided to kiss the picture of my son on my mobile and rooted around, all the time the cotton tugging around my neck. Seeing my son must have triggered something maybe I changed my mind. I try to say help, shout but its impossible to get out much sound when you have the weight of your body around your neck. I managed to get into last text which was the ward number sent to my husband and to ring the ward. I didnt get out more than a groan but somehow the staff came running and although its a blur I remember someone saying pull the alarm, me falling off a chair and a Dr coming to check if I had neck damage. I didnt. staff have since told me I was blue didnt communicate for a while tried to get up there second time (was stopped). They also tell me its the first time they have seen a body swinging as its not a female method (female ward) and nobody has spotted that ligature point. <br />
<br />
Anyhow I am home now all but official discharge but it hit me today how close things were. I mean what if I had done that at home no one would have found me in time. Even on the wards there is so many small things that could have made it more permenant.<br />
<br />
1. I could have dropped/not had my phone<br />
2. My phone could have lost charge/signal<br />
3. The ward could have been engaged<br />
4. They could have thought the grunt I gave was a pervert ringing<br />
<br />
All of the above are quite likely things that could have prevented me being found.<br />
<br />
Being back with my son and seeing what 6.5 weeks away from him has done makes me happy I was saved and am alive, there was something that made me want to change my mind, and the thing to remember is sometimes there are no second chances. Should I choose one of my chosen more unusually male/dangerous methods,-females tend to overdose or self harm in someway apparently. Im not sure I am ever 100% suicidal (Im alive) if there is even 1 or 2% of me that wants to be alive that part might be screaming too late, how horrible would it be to be hanging with no help, to be freefalling having changed your mind but knowing you would hit ground/water soon- I kind of know it would be the scariest thing you can imagine. Thats a thought to hold on toLa-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-6192977369802967982011-09-10T20:46:00.000+01:002011-09-10T20:46:16.355+01:00they sectioned meWell people I guess I'm not undetainable. Have beenm purt on section 2 early hours. Can't understand it saw crisis uesy who wouldnmt help said didn't have mental illness. I went to a n e cos nhs direct phoned ambuance. Was ok tried to hang myself with phone cord on stairs well made noose got caught. Can't understand why sewctiopn not ill just chose die tried to jump matlock on 8. They want me to take meds but am fine xLa-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-44782165806100801172011-09-07T14:22:00.000+01:002011-09-07T14:22:00.796+01:00de nadaI have decided to stop blogging now,<br />
<br />
I took my son to school today it was nice but it is reminder over how much of his life Ive missed out on..what I am doing to him,<br />
<br />
I have booked a hotel for tonight and I may not come back, til Ive sorted this in one way really. Been playin a song in my head<br />
<br />
<br />
I started a joke <br />
which started the whole world crying<br />
But I didn't see <br />
that the joke was on me, oh no<br />
<br />
I started to cry <br />
which started the whole world laughing<br />
Oh if I'd only seen <br />
that the joke was on me<br />
<br />
I looked at the skies <br />
running my hands over my eyes<br />
And I fell out of bed <br />
hurting my head <br />
from things that I'd said<br />
<br />
Till I finally died <br />
which started the whole world living<br />
Oh if I'd only seen <br />
that the joke was on meLa-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-58562857917204649372011-09-06T19:26:00.000+01:002011-09-06T19:26:37.831+01:00The greater good.When you know whatever you do is going to hurt people, you have to think of the greater good. Hurting the least people possible.<br />
<br />
I take the original sin with me the evil potential...with my actions.<br />
<br />
Don't worry I am fine ..I will be safe/fine.La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-36274369344148829872011-09-05T19:28:00.000+01:002011-09-05T19:28:35.860+01:00. - Nothing more to say here, nothing I can say or would be fair to say....Wednesday I get to see son start school, holding on for that, a day I never thought I'd see.<br />
<br />
I am not strong, if I appear it it is deceptive...only so much and so long one person can take it all. I resign to inevitability and futility.La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-9375001798183979112011-09-02T12:27:00.000+01:002011-09-02T12:27:19.893+01:00another chaotic nightLast night wasnt good<br />
<br />
I couldnt slow down or unjumble my thoughts, I decided to go out,<br />
<br />
Drove to River Trent, drove down bank so as all I had to do was to drop handbrake <br />
<br />
but...<br />
<br />
I cant die, i wanted to die I neede to but couldnt ..rmember the hanging incident..there was a sevurity guard at local football ground and am sure he would have played hero...and then if i dont die, people get punished.thats how it works you see. Last week I didnt die..so all the floods in the US and then back in march the Tsunami,. I was very confused and I decided to cut my head open to relieve pressure..wanted to cut piece of skull, but it would only cut through scalp. I pondered going to A&E maybe something to calm me, but wouldnt go there, so rang night Crisis.<br />
<br />
<br />
I tried to explain, but it got jumbled managed to explain who I was, where and why..they told me they were calling the police and asking them to put me on a S.136..I paniced and imagined the 6ft box with the shit everywhere.<br />
<br />
So I drove off along the bank...they sent a police helicopter and car and I was made to go to the hospital..when I went before I was 136.<br />
<br />
<br />
In hospital took them ages to see me, kept pacing, kept singing I dont know..eventually saw shrink and Crisis, rest is hazy remember shattering polestirine cups into fake snow shower. Remebr telling them everything, hanging etc..he asked what help I wanted I said nothing, nothing worng not ill.he told me I shouldnt have drove etc..<br />
<br />
Now this is confusing cos Im sure they left and told me I could go home...so I went but when I got home 2 police officers where there telling me I needed to go back..I refused and they waited outside my house for 2 hours, they said they were ringing my husband (yh that will help). it was 7am by then and not been asleep now.<br />
<br />
Anyhow cc rang me this morning, says cant understand was fine on phone to her..said I am lying either today or before, and that if dont want support why ring crisis? which is question, but I just wanted benzo really. anyhow she says will refere me to the crisis team, as no doubt I will ring them anyhow, they are going to ring me tommorow and visit if need and then she will review situation on monday.<br />
<br />
I feel very silly about it all, and I hope it doesnt effect my discharge, cc says it wont.La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-21460971810584198172011-09-01T19:00:00.001+01:002011-09-01T19:23:29.865+01:00Its ok now...its was all okI decided not to go back on meds after all<br />
<br />
The lamotrigine would need to be titrated and it would be too slow . the valproate works on the highs and I dont feel high- so pointless. Just being weak due to doubting myself over husbands betrayal.<br />
<br />
Anyhow I am FINE<br />
<br />
I have to be<br />
<br />
Other things have gone off I dont want to blog about as some RL people come here. But I am in process of undoing mistakes<br />
<br />
Things got bad last week, needless to say I woke up several hours later with a broken noose and a very dizzy day- You know your fat when you snap a noose. (When they said the meds would save my life, I didnt think they meant by making me too fat/heavy to hang) <br />
<br />
..when will I learn I just CANT die..its not my destiny at all. Imortality<br />
<br />
<br />
and this week I feel good, bought all new kitchen appliances (It made me feel good thats all and a kindle (another so I can read 2 books at once)and lots of pretty stationary<br />
<br />
<br />
and the Best News of recent times (well anything would be better)<br />
<br />
On 23rd Spetember I am being discharged from Mental Health Services.<br />
<br />
It is when my review is, and my care co-ordinator whom I spoke to today says I dont need them anymore. Hurrah!!<br />
<br />
2 years 5 months and there is a way out<br />
<br />
I guess I am recovered as I was never ill or needed services, just to accept who I am..what I am....and what I must do...<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-23615782661981698262011-08-22T15:05:00.001+01:002011-08-22T15:07:29.387+01:00I was wrong.Thank you all for the concern over the past few weeks<br />
<br />
coming off meds was a bad mistake<br />
<br />
I was high<br />
<br />
but<br />
<br />
Crash- not anymore, shock and upset does that to a person<br />
<br />
turns out<br />
<br />
Just as I couldnt see my moods nor could I see my husband had been chasing other women for - you know, and engaging in kissing that I know of, plus dirty chat- via FB - He left his account open.<br />
<br />
(I dont like to mention the personal here)<br />
<br />
but needs to say no longer high, and as my husband had persuaded me to come off meds to try for a baby, at the time he was persuing others, and as I kicked him out friday, I think meds may be back on the cards.....whilst I can see that, before I sink anymore. 9 years was a long time - to have loved someone<br />
<br />
Still havent slept, but then too much to think...now.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-44093179123440085402011-08-15T16:13:00.001+01:002011-08-15T16:16:52.697+01:00When is concern concerning.I think my posts over the last week have caused concern..some comments I have got are..how sad it is ...how very very concerned/worried people are,..that I am unwell/very unwell and that I need help urgently...you get my drift.<br />
<br />
So the question is when is concern concerning?<br />
<br />
I mean it is lovely that people care about me, me who has never met any of you..it is humbling that I am away for months and then come back and you are there ready to be supportive.<br />
<br />
But, I dont think I am unwell. I dont think there is/should be concern. I feel terribly guilty for causing concern ..when I am not ill ...well I may be ill but with a compeltely different disorder?<br />
<br />
So should other people's concern, be concerning? is it that maybe I am not seeing what others see. <br />
<br />
On saturday I went ot MDF group despite feeling a fraud as I dont believe I ever had 'Manic depression'. We went round talking about what has happened the last month. I told them I had come off meds, that I had given money to CC, been to airport and bought ticket (but not got on plane), tried to sort out rioters etc, etc.. the only reason I mentioned these things is that I may have been acting weird, as it looked like I wasnt listening to anyone, because I couldnt listen , because of the noise, the air and a distant alarm.. anyhow they were concerned..<br />
<br />
I have slept a total of about 5 hours in the last 7 days. there is just so much in my head at the moment I feel like there must be steam coming out my ears. Last night I had a lengthy conversation with 'Differently Sane'. I am now convinced more than ever I had/have Munchausen or that type of thing here is my evidence.<br />
<br />
1. Meds have no effect on me . In fact I dont have side effects or withdrawal. this is because I do not need medication because I am not ill. in fact I do believe the services have been giving me a placebo, becuase they have known all along that I had munchausen and perhaps they thought if they humoured me I would go away.<br />
<br />
2. My psychiatrist is supposed to be a specialist in bipolar disorder, but I have never seen anyone in waiting acting even slightly elated, or particularly depressed. Maybe he is a specialist in factitious disorder, and it is part of treatment to allow me to work it out.<br />
<br />
3. My psychiatrist always wants to use me as an example of bad srvices in training...but I think I am an example but I now believe I am an example of how to treat quite a rare and unusual disorder.<br />
<br />
4. All my MHA assesments - 12, perhaps I fabricated them, or manipualted people into assessing me ,after all why wouldnt I want several drs, sw , cpn etc all talkign about me...it is all about attention after all.<br />
<br />
<br />
5. If I do have a mood disorder, then why do services and sevral different CC allow me to go from crisis to crisis...answer :because the crisis aren't real.<br />
<br />
6.If I have a mood disorder, and was on high dose of medication..then why have I been left unmonitored for next few months to go off meds...why did CC not contact me and leave me without meds cutting my withdrawal plan to nothing within 2 weeks instead of 3.<br />
<br />
<br />
There you go, So I guess the above suggests you shouldnt be concerned at all. I need to point out I am sorry, I never deliberately wanted attention., in fact I hate attention in all honesty (or maybe I am fooling myself I do???- its os confusing)<br />
<br />
And there you go. Also crisis said they would ring CC to tell her I didnt have meds first thing monday,(which she already knew) she hasnt contacted me. It doesnt matter you see when both the meds and the illness is FAKE.<br />
<br />
I have had no meds since wed I am FINE.La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-8456640139475482112011-08-13T14:49:00.000+01:002011-08-13T14:49:11.282+01:00Life off meds.I rang crisis last night, well apparently I did cos they rang me this morning. I was requesting some medication, my medication or a prescription that would allow me to get some of it back in my ssytem over the weekend.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, they cant provide me with anything, which is silly cos if people get worse because they don't give them medication then they will cost them a lot more time and money but go figure, was horrible crisis woman B.<br />
<br />
Oh today I am ok anyhow, good I don't want the medication. I received some lorazepam I ordered in the post this morning that is helping calm me and I even got to MDF group today, where obviously I was told that I was withdrawing meds too quickly and they didnt seem convinced by the munchausen thing. It was ok though, people nice but I was struggling to sit still and concentrate on other people so prob came across as a bit rude not listening, an alarm was going off though which too me seemed loud though didnt bother some of them.<br />
<br />
Tonight I am going out agian, but I am stopping at a friends , I havent slept since monday/tueday I think - maybe I slept an hour or so tuesday I forget. Anyhow friend will expect me to sleep . I wont have net and I wont be able to wander out. Dont want to go, want to do anything but. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-7816080799874167542011-08-12T17:56:00.001+01:002011-08-12T18:03:43.805+01:00Birthdays and weekendsMy blog is 3 - or it was on 8th, can you believe it the 8th I started my blog - 8 again, I cant escape 8 I know it probably seems obsessive but it is more than a coincidence that things always happen on the 8th even befor eI realised the pattern, i,e I didnt deliberately start it on the 8th.<br />
<br />
I cant believe 3 years ago I was relatively normal, 3 years ago, seems a long time ago.<br />
<br />
I dont think things are going well today, I stopped the meds too soon, I never meant to stop them completely but I ran out of meds wednesday and waiting to hear from CC. and now it is friday pm , so its too late, and I have no benzos.<br />
<br />
Last night I spent most of it rocking and hitting the side of my head because I felt so like I needed to peel my skin away to open my head up, I don't know. and yet I know I'm causing this, thinking myself into these states. <br />
<br />
I bought a record player on monday, I think and soem vinyls.. I like watchign it go round and round, as well as auditory its visually pleasing but I kept playing it on loop and its blown up :-(<br />
<br />
I dont know how I can get through this weekend. I dont feel good. I feel energetic but I feel its consiming me - I'm like a puppet on a string I sometimes dont recognise my limbs moving about.<br />
<br />
I'm supposed to go to MDF group tommorow but I will prob make a show of myself. Again.<br />
<br />
I will be alright, I must be. I have to be..its the weekend.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-39196121586271710792011-08-12T05:30:00.001+01:002011-08-12T10:41:06.755+01:00Can't peg me down,Whatever I had or didn't have<br />
<br />
Today has been horrible<br />
<br />
I am too flighty, I can't peg myself down even for a minute. I took all the benzos I had left and I feel calmer but I cant sleep, I am not tired..I feel fine, but somehow it will manifest because everyone needs to sleep.<br />
<br />
I know somewhere I should do something whilst I still can see this, but on the other hand its prob just a stage in the detox I need to push through, must not be weak.<br />
<br />
<br />
And what, what on the possibility I did have Bipolar disorder..then this occurence would tell me it has such a strong grip of me ..I may have always needed medication, will need it. That I can't control it. and anyhow I have no meds because my CC was supposed to arrange their collection with me and hasnt and I wont contact anyone, I just cant., because they know all this and they know I dont really need them or they would monitor me, that is enough proof.<br />
<br />
Yesterday was good, and today has been ok in moments, but my mind is fragmented and each task only ever has a little bit of me so I can do hundred things but nothing in total. I feel euphoric but uncontrollable.<br />
<br />
I am starting to feel that head pressure, I am starting to feel like there is no release, like I dont belong...like an alien here on earth.<br />
<br />
and perhaps, I rocked this boat.<br />
<br />
La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-44711487597054603712011-08-11T12:43:00.000+01:002011-08-11T12:43:20.965+01:00Weird day and detoxToday something seems a bit amiss<br />
<br />
Im not sure what I should be doing with myself, I can't seem to place everything around me or my place within it. Maybe I took too many clonaz- took about 4, 2mg in end, I have taken more in the past. <br />
<br />
Maybe its just my body getting used to the absence of my chemicals,<br />
<br />
I dont have any meds at all at the moment so have taken nothing today, CC has my meds she said she would get them to me yesterday, I cant bare to go to CMHT, I feel a fraud.<br />
<br />
I want to do so much, I end up doing absolutely nothing. I forgot I had put some hot milk on this morning, I have ruined that pan. I have to keep the music on loud to stop me over-thinking, I have to move to the music to stop me running. <br />
<br />
Just need to get through this med detox.<br />
<br />
<br />
La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-43221452037489895732011-08-10T17:45:00.000+01:002011-08-10T17:45:09.041+01:00Wednesday.I am struggling with sleep at moment - 2 hours last night and none the night before. However, worry not people- tonight despite the fact I seem to be coping I am goign to use my stash of Benzos to give myself rest.<br />
<br />
The med withdrawal is making me feel a little wired i think, but I'm sure it will be fine once my body gets used to the decrease and then the absence of the chemicals.<br />
<br />
I am getting sick of the riots, I was supposed to meet a blogging friend today which I ahd to cancel because of it and shops in my city are still closed. Last night I decided I needed to go and reason with the youths out rioting in my city. I drove down to where I heard things were kicking off . <br />
<br />
I parked up beside them and wound the window down. I asked them why they were there, and they told me to *%4k off. I tried to make them see what they were doing and the result of their actions, they got a bit agressive. I offered them £20 each to go home, but it was quite sad they didnt listen to me at all, instead they started to pick up bricks and throw them at my car, one missed and one hit the car causing a bit of a dint/scratch. I drove home, I must have only been out 20 minutes. I feel a bit defeated by it all. I guess you cant help everyone. They continues to make mayhem through the night.<br />
<br />
I want to thank everyone for the comments on the last post. After speaking to a few people on twitter who seemed concerned. I will point out that my team are aware of my med withdrawal, they are aware of my theory on the munchausen/factitous disorder, they have not tried to return my money today so I have to assume they are using it for their servcie as requested. I am not sayign that I am 100% sure its a munchausen thing but it is a large possibility at the moment. Prof is not aware of my theory however, and as they do not liase well I have sent him the following letter:<br />
<br />
Dear Professor <br />
<br />
Thank you for seeing me on Friday and discussing with me at length my diagnosed illness and how it may affect me withdrawing off medication and in the long term getting pregnant. I will point out that I am very grateful for the time you give me in our appointments and for the non-judgemental consistent help you have offered me over the last 11 months.<br />
<br />
However, on perusing the internet I have come across something which I think explains my erratic behaviours. I believe that my diagnosis is wrong, I do not believe I meet the criteria for bipolar disorder and indeed any personality disorder. I think what I do have is a factitious disorder I’m sure I don’t need to explain to you what that is. I must admit I have never wanted attention, hospital appointments etc, but I think it is possible that in trying to originally understand my illness, my knowledge may have manifested its self in symptoms subconsciously.<br />
<br />
I am very very sorry, to have wasted your time on this fantasy I didn’t purposely set out to do such. I am withdrawing off my meds currently down to 1000mg valproate and 100mg Lamotrigine I hope to be off medication by next week as I do not think there are any risks because I do not think there is anything to treat, well perhaps not medically. <br />
<br />
I feel sickened about the time and money I have wasted getting ‘help’ so much so that today I saw CC I have explained above to her and that I do not want to see anyone from services, she agrees that is appropriate as I have already wasted enough money and time. She urged me to keep the review appointment on 16th September I will and I will apologise to you then which I therefore anticipate to be our last meeting.<br />
<br />
I have given CC £1000 today to give to her manager to cover some of their costs in helping me it is not enough but I will get more to them over next week or so I would love to pay you your costs back but I don’t think I will be able to get enough credit to pay consultant fees and I hope my apology is some recompense.<br />
<br />
<br />
La reve<br />
<br />
<br />
I sent this yesterday, I know he only really has friday clinic. I hope he wont be too angry with me. <br />
<br />
<br />
On another note, I have been thinking for a while about a business opportunity and I have an appoitnment with the bank nxt week to see how it could be financed. I can't really talk about the idea, because I dont want it to be stolen ;-)<br />
<br />
<br />
On a further , further note...I woke at 5am this morning to some squeaking and my girl cat has had 5 babies. very cute..will post a pic soon.<br />
<br />
<br />
LR.x<br />
<br />
La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-81975806242307939672011-08-09T11:52:00.000+01:002011-08-09T11:52:33.734+01:00Do I have a factitous disorder?How do you know you have Muchausen or Factitous disorder?<br />
<br />
Speaking to Seaneen(soorry cant do that linky thing) I said to her - do you ever feel like you might have invented your illness in your head, and then the knowledge you gained from net etc may have manifested itself in your symptoms, she said we all have these doubts.<br />
<br />
This led me to research it, and i think there is a large probability that I may not have bipolar disorder, which never sat comfortably if you ask me but actually a factitous/munchausen type thing.<br />
<br />
But would I know if I did? I mean I know I have never deliberately set out to deceive people or fake anything. I have certainly shunned services and refused hospital and treatment, but I think subconsiously I have been faking it without realising it.<br />
<br />
I also spoke to Differently sane (sorry no link again) who said it may be possible that because i'm now more stable that I may want to believe it was pretend so I dont have to accept possibility may get ill again. i dont agree with that though.<br />
<br />
you dont understand how awful and terrible it makes me feel to have put family and friends through this, and I guess to get concern from you lovely readers. And then services, who have been rather shoddy but who have wasted resources on me.<br />
<br />
Today I went to cc and told her about this she said she didn't know, she is just a SW. I then gave her an envelope to give to her manger. in it was £1000 which was all the bank would allow for now. she took it and then manegr kept ringing me all morning, She told me they are nto allowed to take it, to come get it and give it charity. I said i wont that the only way to put things right is for her to re-invest it into care for tohers, care I've stolen. She says she will think about it. I also told cc i dont want to see anyone and waste anymore time/money so she says she will see me in two months at review when i next see prof. <br />
<br />
Med withdrawl seems to be going well, i am down to a third of original prescription of 2 weeks ago, told cc about this she says it is my decision and that Prof must be ok as not seeing me in while. She thinks my mood is fine and dandy.<br />
<br />
Anyhow. would I know if I had munchausen?and how can I possibly put this right, I must be really twisted.<br />
<br />
<br />
La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-38881016127736347502011-08-07T12:51:00.000+01:002011-08-07T12:51:31.875+01:00How do you see yourselves?I have a question to ask of anyone who can answer this.<br />
<br />
Do you ever read back what you write on your blogs/if you blog...or I guess even if it is a paper diary you keep.?<br />
<br />
You see that is the main purpose of me keeping this blog so ~i can look back so I can try and recognise patterns in my mood, see how my moods manifest themselves.<br />
<br />
Only...<br />
<br />
It can be quite embarassing and shocking just reading into a few pages on my blog. Nessa commented on last post I needed to read back. I reluctantly did. and I guess it told me what I already knew....I coem across as unwell. You see if you ask me I will never class myself as 'ill' not even now do I consider I have ever been, and now when I think back on all those assesments and chaos at the beginning of the year, I think, and indeed I have said to people over last week 'It wasn't all that bad really, just a little silliness'. But in cold hard print its difficult to continue to deceive myself.<br />
<br />
You see I do read a lot of blogs, and it worrys me to think of your pain and issues, it keeps me up and keeps me wanting to do anything to help their writers in any way I can. I can see people as being unwell, I can see how 'ill' they are, how dangeerous their behaviour. I think everyone is so much more unwell than me. I feel like I have no right to complain, (not that it's a who is illest competition- which I have issues with, and is another blog post altogether)<br />
<br />
So I was wondering how other people view themselves when reading back posts written at times of so called 'crisis'. Maybe its a defense mechanism that I forget or delude myself, but is that helpful??La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-10446419826892631772011-08-05T17:49:00.001+01:002011-08-05T18:03:31.233+01:00Recovery and taking risky steps! -I don't seem to blog much anymore. I have my reasons, partly because I wouldnt want certain people from real life to find this blog and use it against me now I am trying to move on. But also because in a selfish way I am doing really well and I dont need to write about that, or it would be boring to do so. I do continue to read other blogs but am just a bit useless with comments, it sll seems trite. sorry.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I am still under CMHT my current care co-ordinator is ok, she is my 8th in 2.5 years and ranks in the top half. However, she told me last week she is going on maternity leave in october, and since I am doing ok there doesn't seem the need for me to get another one. So the plan is I am to be discharged and I will continue to see Prof at outpatients sporadically. That has been the plan for a while. After all I have been mainly stable now for 4 months!!<br />
<br />
So I continue to see Prof, and I have been to see him today. He is really pleased with me, apparently I am doing better than he ever thought I might and he even said that whilst unlikely, that because my episodes only started after having my son 4 years ago, they may clear up and never resurface and I will be able to live a stable, even med free life. although I must add he said this was unlikely.<br />
<br />
Currently I am prescribed 3000mg of Valproate and 200mg of Lamotrigine. However heres the thing, and the thing I am unsire of writing here for fear of backlash,...but<br />
<br />
I want another baby.<br />
<br />
For this reason I have been missing the odd dose to see if I can cope without meds and its been going ok.<br />
<br />
On Valproate pregnancy is a very bad idea(dangerous), on Lamotirgine it isnt advisable. So as of monday I have cut my Vlaproate by half to 1500mg. I dont feel a lot different, less sluggish. I have told Prof about this and he said he wanted to reduce it anyway..however I also told him stage two of my plans....<br />
<br />
As of next monday I will cut Valproate to 1000mg and the Lamotrigine to 100mg<br />
<br />
Then week 3<br />
<br />
Cut valproate to 500. lamotrigine to 50<br />
<br />
Then week 4<br />
<br />
Nothing<br />
<br />
<br />
Then this will coincide with the time with my cylce I can start trying to conceive. I checked with prof and Valproate only stays in system for a few days.<br />
<br />
Prof says its not advisable that I have a 70-80% chance of a psychotic pregnancy/or for puerpal period. He also says my withdrawl plan puts me at 50% chance of going back to square one- even if I dont conceive. but I feel stronger now, I have learnt a lot in four months about my moods and how to manage my lifestyle and other thigns outside medication, I have also started attending a MDF group which is helpful.<br />
<br />
I know this may seem a bit reckless and I have wrestled long and hard with this decision. I could wait more years, but I'm not getting any younger and each year my fertility declines and thats on top of the fact that I have put on two stone on valproate in just 5 months which will reduce fertility and so do some of the drugs I have previously been on (though they dont advertise that)- so may take months/years to conceive.<br />
<br />
On one hand I think I have a family a lovely son, a husband... is it fair to jeopardise that .. and on the other...I so want to have a child again.. for my son to have a sibling. If I'm honest there is a part of me that was so unwell when I had my boy that I want the chance to expereince all the things I missed out on..to put things right...to do it right this time.<br />
<br />
<br />
So there it is..<br />
<br />
phase 1 med withdrawal<br />
<br />
phase 2- conceive<br />
<br />
phase 3- managing med free pregnancy.<br />
<br />
I hope to blog here so I can keep up with how things progress myself, as I only seem to write things down on a blog and can't keep a diary.<br />
<br />
Am I <strike>mad ...</strike> madder for doing this?La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-33183946474986463722011-06-29T22:42:00.000+01:002011-06-29T22:42:09.644+01:00hope and despair.When thinking about writing something for the blog carnival on ‘hope and despair’. I wondered what exactly I could or should be writing you see the times of true despair, times of horror if you like have been numerous during my mental health career, yet hope, hope is a funny word not one I’m all too comfortable with even though I am now officially 'in recovery'. Hope is something that requires a lot in my book, it requires a belief that things can not only be better but stay that way, it means allowing yourself to believe in something and therefore put yourself at risk of failure.<br />
<br />
So I guess all I can do is define what it means. Despair for me is the crash that follows the euphoria. It could be Digging lithium and paracetamol out of the ash in your car's ash tray where you had to stash them momentarily as someone walked by and still chewing them longingly along with the soot.. Despair is standing with a ready tied noose looking into icy waters, at 3am. Despair is sitting in a crowded AnE department with a security guard within arms reach because you pose that high a risk. despair is being locked away in a cold 6 foot square box for 11 hours while people outside organise one of the 12 mental health act assesments you have had in just a couple of years. But despair really is realising you are treading that final line that your death is inevitable, having your consultant a specialist in your mood disorder, agree with you, hearing him say ‘when you die’ not ‘if you die’. Despair is knowing there is no cure nor may there ever be.<br />
<br />
And yet here I am and things did get better. I wont say that things don’t get bad, I recently had another 8 related slip, but I don’t recall any moments of True despair in the last couple of months. I may not always feel so good, but I know there is another path, that with careful monitoring, some meds etc, I can live my life, I can have a family, see my boy grow and hopefully one day soonish I will be back in full time work. Now that is hope- a shy and cautious one but hope none the less and yes it is scary but nothing ventured nothing gained, and there is another world, beyond mental illness, blogging, appointments etc.. and I have lingered too long on its sidelines I want to get back in the game, and live my life as me, not a diagnosis thats all I want from hope, thats enough.La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-41380515876653734992011-04-11T23:56:00.008+01:002011-06-07T22:21:29.379+01:00Top search terms and questions answeredI get a lot of google searches that have come up a few times in stats so as I have nothing better to blog, and as something more than usual bleakness I thought I would respond to searches with another post from the draft folder, as in a weird place here still. Anyhow.<br />
<br />
<strong>Serious Ones</strong><br />
1.What is a psychiatric ward really like?<br />
<br />
Answer: Can only speak for the ward I was on in, but think acute wards pretty similar. Well visually not all that different from a normal ward I have pictures under my hospital tag<a href="http://thedepressiondescent.blogspot.com/2009/05/what-psychiatric-ward-really-looks-like.html"></a> . Except we don't get those expensive electric beds but very basic hard ones. It certainly doesn't look like the ward in one flew over the cuckoos nest, nurses don't wear white- in fact they are unidentifiable from patients, I was often mistaken for a nurse. anyhow difference is every now and again things kick off people shouting, usually followed by nurse restraint and enforced IM sedation. Of course I am told this is bad practice but was a regular occurrence in my ward. If they had time/ could be bothered they would get a screen to preserve modesty as your trousers were pulled down. but usually they did it to full view. Of course if you comply then no need for measures.<br />
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Also the ward I was on was locked at all times and doors could only be opened by key card. I found one once and returned it to a very grateful health care assistant. I don't know why I would have loved to get out of there :-/<br />
<br />
2. What do Early Intervention/Early intervention in psychosis teams do?<br />
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Answer: I'm not sure exactly, maybe someone who works for them in another area might clarify. <br />
<br />
In my Early Intervention in psychosis team they really did little for me. they risk managed and assesed me, but I had no therapy, no groups no help with jobs, community groups, building and being integrated in my community. They did very little. I was told it was because I was never well enough but I had two periods of stability with them for 3 months at time. They also were supposed to work with me for 3 years or until recovered enough to go to primary services. Instead they discharged me after 15 months back to team I came from, without reason. Again this is only my team in Nottingham I have heard of some good Early Intervention in psychosis teams.<br />
<br />
3. How do I avoid getting sectioned?<br />
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Answer: I was thinking of posting on this but not sure if it would be negligent I think I pretty much have the answers, not going to answer for now til I think about it.<br />
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4.How do I kill myself/ what is the best way to commit suicide?<br />
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Answer: I also get a lot of emails about this, well lets just say that I am alive after several attempts so hello...I do have some fool proof/quick/painless plans but I would not and will never promote or respond to such questions. <br />
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5. How do I become bipolar?<br />
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Answer: You don't become bipolar, its not a lifestyle choice. Its not fun its not something to aspire to. It has stolen three years of my life thus far, friends, money, jobs, prospects a lot. I also know a lot of people who have lost even more and many, many years. It is a serious illness, it is a nightmare not to be wished on worst enemy. Yes the energy and creativity you sometimes get is great but for me is only small benefit and on a whole it has seriously affected my quality of life.<br />
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6. Is bipolar fashionable?<br />
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Answer: Not sure why this comes to my blog. But NO, NO, NO. See above, morons.<br />
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<strong>Funny/strange ones</strong><br />
1. I keep hearing fax machines in my head. <br />
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Answer:I get this at least once a day. I guess it must come from current blog title. I have never had this problem but I would suggest following a) check if there are indeed any fax machines in the vicinity. b) Speak to your GP or a mental health professional who may be able assist you further, make an appointment with them or just send them a fax?<br />
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2. I am sexually attracted to my/in love with my psychiatrist.<br />
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Answer: Well I have never been attracted to any of mine. I can understand why the power thing may be alluring. I would suggest trying to see the relationship for what it is professional. If it becomes obsessional then you prob need a new one. This time be sure to pick the least appealing/ugliest.<br />
<br />
3. I like to sleep on trains.<br />
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Answer: Thanks for sharing. I quite like to sleep in beds when mood rarely allows.<br />
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4. My hair is wild<br />
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Answer: Its as if they can see me ;), perhaps the house is bugged. A brush?? >La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-37307306222771208792011-04-06T20:31:00.003+01:002011-04-06T21:00:25.892+01:00I NEED MEDICATIONOK I haven't written in a while because I been really trying the stability thing.<br /><br />Well there was crisis team coming to see me everyday to watch me take meds. last week it was down to every other day and then this week they saw me yesterday and once more on 8th (to try avoid any 8 related blip)<br /><br />Anyhow I need to say this here now just because I have been tempted to self-sabotage in a sense. Thing is mood bit high at moment like Prof said on monday . And I am really enjoying myself. I have been Drayton manor with my son today last few days not sleeping, But I am not wandering or thinking I am invincible so the meds are making some difference 3 weeks in. I am dancing, cleaning a lot and trying to unscramble the thoughts but as Prof said the highs will still be high and lows still low each cycle less until become stable.<br /><br />So why then did I miss my morning dose and only now take the evening dose. Why did I want to sabotage now. Truth is I hate taking the pills. I have put on a huge amount of weight in that time on them, but mostly I am scared I'm scared of the dip of knowing this energy is unsustainable of the depression of this being the one to kill me. I don't want to die. <br /><br />Ok told you I'm rambling thoughts at moment<br /><br />Ok nows the point. I know meds will help with the dip maybe this one will be less intense it certainly wont make it worse. However I may never get the intense energy or lust for life I am currently in. Is the trade of worth it ? I think so. And it you factor in no more psychosis no feeling invincible, responsible for the world. no police, MHA assesments, hospitals. Then ABSOLUTELY.<br /><br />So I swallowed tonight's pills not happily but with smug acceptance that it has taken a long time to get to this place. I have to keep with it.<br /><br />So for all those anti-med people I do think meds are dolled out to frequently for wrong reasons but I need mine thank you. So no emails telling me I can cure myself with power of positive thinking or selling me vitamins and fish oils. Sorry you are wrong. Read back the last few months see how nose diving off meds worked for me. <br /><br />I hope these ones work they seem to but if not I will find the right ones.<br /><br /><br />I need my Medication. I have tried to live off it. IT VERY NEARLY KILLED ME<br /><br />(This post is for me to read when I doubt this, but also for those struggling to realise meds can help you. )La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-43254942545239841392011-03-25T19:11:00.002+00:002011-03-25T19:18:13.264+00:00HopefulOk need to write this while it is no where near the 8th so will be taken more seriously.<br /><br />But things are starting to get a bit better I think slowly<br /><br />I am still under Crisis team they see me every night to watch me take pills.3000 mg valproate 150 Lamotrigine. Its not ideal but its better than hospital,<br /><br />I got through the 14 day suspended sentence - (medical recommendations for section),<br />although they still think maybe hospital is right they are working with me.<br /><br />I feel think are heading a little better, I feel hopeful (which dont want to Jinx as said before)<br /><br />I am not out of the black hole but there is a tiny keyhole which I can peek through momentarily.<br /><br />Just want to stay out of hospital. Just want to be better.La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8136447661390500344.post-90517451436184533882011-03-12T20:18:00.003+00:002011-03-12T20:26:51.484+00:00Chaos, hospital, sections, tsunami....Things have been manic here this week (no pun intended). When I wrote the last post, I intended to kill myself, I am sorry – I wasn’t trying to lie to you all but I didn’t want people to worry when you didn’t hear from me and thought it was kinder to think I had walked off into the sunset.<br /><br />Anyhow what really happened:<br /><br />About 9pm I went out I drove up to a secluded spot and sat and wrote out the letters. I had decided on a two pronged approach to killing myself. The plan was and always is to jump from bridge into river. But this has failed before due to getting picked up and others getting me help and in part my own hesitation. So I decided if I took a large overdose and then tried to kill myself then if the jumping failed or I got picked up I would still die. So I decided upon Lithium. I had googled and found out that 5g was lithium was a toxic/lethal dose(this was wrong but was what it said) So I took this 5g and then I walked to the river. I was scared because I didn’t want to die, but I know I had to because I was evil and I had to be absolved from this by dying, dying on shrove Tuesday, on the 8th. I got scared a little and I rang crisis, but then put phone down, and got nearer river. They kept ringing I eventually picked up to them and she asked what going off told her I didn’t want saving but was scared, as much as I knew I had to die I was scared. She said I had a choice. It was always my choice. She said I had to come to A& E I refused and hung up.<br /><br />Anyhow next min police came, they took me to hospital. When I was in hospital I was taken to bed and I don’t remember guess they took blood?? But I didn’t want treatment want to die. So after 4 hours I left and went home. Hour later police came to my home, saying they going to put me on 136 and had to go back. I said, ah ha 136- I don’t think so I have law degree and specialised in medical law 136- Is public place, now 135 possibly but I would have to lack capacity – I don’t. He reluctantly agreed and left.<br />Crisis rang me telling me I had to go I was in urgent need of treatment. I said I would be fine, Scott had told me I had failed. She said if I didn’t go she was arranging urgent assessment as I lacked capacity. <br />Hour later she rang to speak to my husband and persuade him. He then told me he would agree to a Section. 3 if I didn’t go. So I rang back and agreed, and an ambulance came for me<br />I got back and I was put on code red, I had security guard with me in arms reach all times. And I was put on a holding section. I had bloods taken and was taken to a medical ward. A few hours later it came back my bloods were fine. Only 1.2 which is fairly ok. I had failed, 5g clearly not toxic for me , or the Lithium was partly placebo?? I had to wait an hour or so and someone from Crisis and an AMHP saw me. I explained why I wanted to die , that I was responsible for the Christchurch earthquake etc. and I had to die and still wanted to die. They told me it was my choice, and I didnt have to die and they let me go Wednesday lunchtime telling me to wait and see Prof Fri afternoon. But no follow up.<br /><br />Anyhow I got home I slept a few hours as hadn’t slept in long time. Then later that evening, I took some more Lithium only 2grams and then Thursday morning another 2grams. I wanted to take it in bits because I had been sick a lot after first OD and so hadn’t kept it in system. I couldn’t do part 2 (jump) because it was day and I had husband keeping me at home. Anyhow by Thursday afternoon I felt pretty ill and it suddenly dawned on me that rather than dying I could end up with kidney failure. To be evil, have these thoughts and be on dialysis was surely worse, so I went to GP, Who said it was my doing and he would check in 5 days if I had damage. I spoke to mum who said this was wrong, and then I spoke to crisis who advised me to go A&E. I wasn’t sure but I decided would only be an hour blood test so went.<br /><br />I went A&E and checked in. I was immediately put with security guard on red again. I had blood test taken. After 4 hours came back and told me Crisis wouldn’t come see me as I wasn’t a straight forward case. So I would have to go to med ward (was about midnight) and see a shrink in morning. She then released that bloods were 1.4 which was toxic (slightly) and so she said needed to stay for that. I got scared thinking going to be sectioned so tried to leave. More security , lots of nurses, forced me into chair, wheeled me onto ward where I was put on a holding section again.<br /><br />By morning had another blood test and Lithium level back to 1.1. No sign of crisis. I told them I wanted to see my own shrink, prof as I had appointment at 1pm at hospital anyhow. I spoke DPM who was concerned about 'my thoughts' said she would speak to Prof. she came back said I had to make appointment but let me go.<br /><br />I had 15 minutes. I had already been in hospital for 17 hours and I had no clothes .toiletries so I smelled really bad. I got to see Prof who told me that I needed to be inpatient. Risks to high and I would be dead soon and although he hated hospital he could see no other way. I refused. He said he would push for a section 3, and he would be at assessment and make sure I was admitted.<br /><br />I had to wait a couple of hours for an AMHP and another shrink. Turns out shrink was one from inpatient who was my consultant for 3 months. The Amhp was my current CC supervisor and had assessed me before. (MHA 1). And so I had MHA assessment number 11. I wonder what Guiness record is.?<br /><br />Result is Prof really wanted a section 3 but I managed to persuade other shrink I would take meds at home. So as compromise Prof signed his paper and I am to have crisis come very night 7.30pm to watch me take Valproate and Lamotrigine and <br />should I fail, or get worse. ...<br /><br />They can complete paperwork and have me in – in flash (a suspended section so to speak)<br />I guess its better than being in hospital and they gave me a chance considering they could have sectioned me. But I feel like the meds will do me no good – I should be dead. I am evil not ill. I mean on Wednesday I found out I hadn’t taken enough to die and on Thursday the Tsunami happened. Had I done it properly these things could have been avoided. Because of my evil life others have lost their lives. I can’t tell you how bad that feels, and yet if I do anything now and fail, It will be hospital for up to 6 months. La-revehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02255771946214951488noreply@blogger.com4