Thursday, January 15, 2009

I am up to six hour shifts at work. Which is going ok. Today I had a blip and spent an hour staring blankly at my screen and crying in the toilets at work. Not sure if it was because I was sad. Just that I had too much crap in my head. I have all these racing thoughts then sometimes they stop and I am left with nothing, like I can't even remember my name, or where I am or what I am supposed to be doing.

I nearly walked out, but I need my job because it is the only thing I have left that reminds me of the old me, the me before the illness. A normal me.

Good news is the disciplinary(aka capability hearing) that was due tommorow has been cancelled and is now just an informal chat with team manager about attendance. The cynic in me might think this has come as a result of me discussing the discrimation act and reasonable measures and the absurdity of expecting someone with my history to guarantee no further sickness when I saw occy health last week. (I knew studying law would pay off one day). Anyway it is good news, but I have sneaky feeling they will ask me to agree a new randomn, impossible target and is it not a little cruel to leave this hanging over me since xmas to just cancel it- knowing the effect stress can have?

Yesterday saw my CC, she thinks I need to stop taking risks, re late night walks and spending money on ridiculous uneccesary items. I am trying to take heed. My partner also thinks I need to calm down as I have more energy than our toddler. It's CC Last visit next week and I will be assigned a new CC 'whether I like it or not' -those were her exact words.

Looks Like I'm having one then


Lola Snow said...

You've been under an immense about of stress recently, so blips are to be expected. Glad they cancelled the formal thing, but agreed they were incredibly insensitive to leave you worrying about that over christmas. Shame you don't have a union rep or something, because they come into their own. You could always drop a few hints about writing an article for the newspapers about disability in the workplace :) Have you had a look at your legal rights, like off the mind website and stuff? Might help to have something to poke them in the eye with if they get lippy.

Lola x

colouredmind said...

The stress from your job is understandable, and having a "blip" is ok. Youve agreed that some of the things set by your work will be difficult to achive, so its ok to struggle, and its ok to have a blip, the main thing is that your at work and you managed six hours, that itself is a major achievement. And yay for the law working for your benefit. Much love, Hannah X

The Dotterel said...

Well done on facing down those so obviously set against you at work. And one victory will certainly lead to another!

La-reve said...

Thanks everyone, really nice to have some support. yey for blogland and yay for beating work

Lola Snow said...

Yeah for work who are plonkers! Long live blogland and all the mentally mental folk! Happy Saturday from a bored Lola, who is lazing in bed and wondering where everyone has gone!

Lola x