Mood shifted sunday after my friends coaxed me out of the house to attend a spa session. All the different rooms, spas, saunas etc left me feeling vey relaxed but happy. It was the best 25.00 I've spent in ages. I'm telling you now, it was much more useful than the 8 sessions of CBT I was given back last year, and a whole lot cheaper. Maybe NHS should look into alternative therapies.

Anyway really feel quite good here, although heat becoming unbearable and keeping me in. Have decided to go back to work in a couple of weeks, need to discuss this with them, care co-ordinator and health team think this is too soon.

Am still getting jerks and tremors in my hands will discuss this with the shrink who I am seeing tommorow.

My week

Ok haven't posted here this week because it has been such a hard week. generally if i don;t post its for one of too reasons. 1. Life itself is too much of a chore so blogging becomes impossible or 2. I am unable to blog as locked away somewhere they say is for my own safety.

This week was number one. It's not been a good week. I have been the lowest I can remember for a long time. Depression is not pleasant. It took five days for me to change the clothes I was in that's waking and sleeping in and to get a shower. 15 minutes to brush the knots from my naturally curly hair, and despite being told we had some of the nicest weather this week I only opened my curtains once. Don't ~I sound attractive?

I have been plagued by suicidal thoughts this week, which I might have acted on if I had the motivation to. Plus I have only a very limited supply of meds they are supplying me with to avoid this temptation. So I have merely hibernated on the sofa with blanket and try sedating myself when things got too bad.

I will have had five visits from services by the end of this week. I'm not sure if i welcome this support or not. It's all very well someone telling you to go out for a coffee or have a shower or eat but if you just can't find a reason to it's all pointless game playing.

I saw my psychiatrist on friday he has upped the Quetiapine to 400mg and kept the Depakote at 1750. I am starting to get twitches in my hands not shakes but little jerks am not sure which of these pair are to blame but one I'm sure I did mention it but it was skipped over, I think as long as ~I am alive and away from high buildings they aren't too bothered.

So you see here's my predicament what do you do when you are forced to take meds which you know have thrown you into a low mood therefore making you feel crap but if you don't you will be taken to hospital where you will prob be fed the same crap, only you will also be deprived of freedom.

Crisis team are visiting me tommorow to check if the usual 3 have I ate, slept, taken meds. Another week goes by.

The revolving door

Since monday I was in hospital again. After my overdose of Lorazepam I had a review on the monday and it was decided that with my low mood and recent events I was too risky to be in the community. Same old really crap food, hard beds boring, boring , boring..Hourse spent staring at walls

I really am the revolving door patient at the moment. I am only out because I convinced my boyfriend to veto the section 3 for a treatment order for uo to six months.

Two doctors and a social worker thought I should be in hospital for up to six months. What does that tell you La-reve? Your ILL,Seriously, time to face the light of day. Yet I still think I am fine, I take there pills not because I think I'm ill but out of fear of their wards. What should I do with myself? Four admisissions in three months. But no, I know better. Hmm and they won't give me any benzo and am edgy and jittery , but when I do have the benzos then am a sedated zombie. I just want to live, a normal, balanced, average life. Is that too much? -To go back before IT arrived. Want to smash it out of me, cut it away but it is me and I am it. so to erradicate it would be to erradicate me~? Not sure, off to search for a benzo.

Blip turned into bigger blip

On wednesday my son turned two. We had a really nice day at the farm but it was a reminder, a reminder of when things started to go wrong after I had him. Also I have beeen suffering from sa slump in mood and with it the intrusive thoughts. Thoughts I am evil, thoughts I have commited the things I see on the news, thoughts I need to eradicate this evil.
I took a Lorezepam on thursday morning to erradicate this thought, then I took another and another until I had taken seven I washed them down with four sleepers I had 28 more sleeping tablets to go but I wasn't trying to kill myself but eradicate the thoughts. Thing is if the two happened to collide at that moment in time it didn't seeem to matter.

i then decided to go to shrink appointment and met CC who wqas giving me a lift next part bit of blur but told her about what I had taken was very slurry and attended appointment where it was decided I should go back on the ward for a while. That was last night and one of the worst of my life. The patients were so loud and they wouldn't give me any more meds so I didn't sleep at all.

Anyway they were going to do a Mental Health Act Assesment but they decided to let me go home today to see crisis over weekened and review situation on monday. If I don't completely comply with correct med taking in next ten days they will go for a section 3 order.

A blip

Well Shrink has swapped the risperidone for quetiapine from last night 300mg initially. Am very tired as result today, hit a blip. Feel so shit hate this damn illness, I have a diagnosis a label now but it all means nothing- NO LAREVE you are wrong it means a lifelong balancing of well being of being stressed and letting it go that little bit to far into mania or depression. It means a lot of pills , maybe a lifetime of them. And for what. So I can live never to my full potential but like a plant half shadowed shadowed by this malfunction.

I counted today.

31 sleeping pills
20-30 other prescribed meds
48 paracetamol.

The slope is a slippery one and I am on the precipitice

Compulsary Medication

CPN came round today concerned that I had stopped taking meds once again for two days. Short conversation was had and apparently I am slightly high based on the fact that I have 'taken more care with my appearance today'???- It's not that I'm able to function before 12 as not on anti-psychotic and can at last put on some lipgloss then.

Anyway she came back this afternoon with my CC and they gave me an ultimatum. Either I take my medication or go back to hospital. If I don't agree to go back then they will try and bring me under section 3 of the Mental Health Act.Guess which option I chose?

That's not the worst of it. Someone is going to come round every morning and night and make sure I take my medication- actually watch me swallow pills, for the next week. If I'm out or miss any, or try and get out of it, they'll bring me in. So that is me compulsary medicated from tommorow. I will enjoy the good mood whilst it is not medicated into numbness.

Sleep

Sleep, is a pain in my side. I can never get the right amount. I'm not sure what the right amount is. is it ok to have two hours, if you feel energetic and awake after it? How do you stop the thoughts and give in to that peaceful black.

Every health car worker I have seen has always rammed home the importance that I sleep and I know I do some really risky and odd things after not sleeping for a while. I even collapsed in hospital after 5 days of no sleep but I have a confession to make. I fight the sleep. I think most of the time I don;t want the pills to relax me I want to be awake - almost like its a power I don't want to relinquish the superhuman ability to stay awake. does that sound odd? I guess it does.

It's not all the time, there are a lot of frustrated nights when I am up and down in and out of bed trying to clear my mind but once the thoughts kick in they take priority over the sleep and sleep becomes such a waste of my time and energy.

Well you see it's past 1 am now and tonight is a racing thought night, I could take Lorazepam, I should. Will I though? Maybe. I can hear the shrink question at hospital review next week. And did you take the lorazepam, 'yes doctor, for racing thoughts and insomnia' hmm - we won't discharge you just yet another week, and we'll see. Will I ever be free of that place? Also I am playing roulette with med taking one day i'll take them the next day I 'forget' - Inability to make decisions didn't I read that in some diagnostic criteria for something or other. Goodnight and good morning all.

Reality check

Went to hospital for another meeting to see if I could be discharged yesterday. they were concerned I'd come off meds (I was honest) Anyway short answer is they are keeping me on extended leave to have another appointment next week. They thinkI am a little high and are concerned where this is heading.

Something the doctor said to me hit home he said I have to realise I have a serious mental illness that has already nearly killed me and am yet untreated fully. I have a young child to take care of and the stakes are pretty high. Now its not that I didn;t realise this myself but being told you nearly died is harsh reality check. They said if I didn't take meds and continued to get high would be brought back into hospital.

And so I am back on my meds and got some sleep last night. I don't want to be back on that ward, it would kill me. care co rang today and had visit from co worker but was at hospy picking up meds. I am also seeing crisis over weekend so being kept close eye on still. I donlt think this is neccesary but I suppose I should be grateful for the support. Going to do some more posting about the ward soon.

I have come off my meds and not slept for 36 hours. Feel better for it, but was warned by care co-ordinator today that could be heading for relapse too soon. Booked my wedding for september a church wedding and busy with preps. Can understand why people plan years in advance. Time for a bit of pleasantly I feel like a dance track: