Monday, January 19, 2009

The middle ground

Thanks for the messages on last posts. I am not going anywhere just that got aaahhh thoughts and no clarity feeling. Thought I'd post something I wrote about a month ago when clearer.

"Have you ever wanted to run away, packed a bag bought a ticket but never reached the station. Have you ever sat and stared into nothing, counting up reasons , reasons to get up, reasons to dress, reasons to live. Have you ever fallen so far that you can’t see the top but still can’t feel the ground. Grabbing some fragile ledge only to be dropped further. Have you ever stared unknowingly at those you love, and love you best, realising they are strangers, strangers because they can’t see through those false ok and painted smiles, to your shattered core.
Have you ever bargained for your life, scrambling for a reason, not to why you should die, but why you shouldn’t , only to find it all too one-sided. And reasons lacking.

I have, nearly every day of the last year. And then there are the other times

Times when I frantically count, things of little significance. Lists of all my CD’s beginning with A, B,C and so on. Lists of all the contents of my cupboards, in price order, then reverse order. Because, I must, because to not would lead to dire consequences. Times when I have to search and buy random items of varying cost. Late night trips to supermarkets to buy all the lavender Bold they have. Or bags of onions that contain exactly nine onions. Not eight and never ten. Times when I dance, for hours on end, eyes shut and never tire, times when ‘rhythm is a dancer’ is more than song but my personal pledge of life. A time when the world slows down, or must because nothing is quick enough, loud enough, bright enough just enough. A time when walking alone at night chatting to random strangers seems more than safe, but a necessity.

I don’t know why I have these experiences. I don’t know which days or weeks are which. I don’t know which one is the real me. Either, both, none. Call it what you will, I know the labels, but they are empty and meaningless. They won’t change anything. I long for the middle ground. But, to me it’s like a myth, a legend, something I no longer know exists. Did it ever? "

5 comments:

Lola Snow said...

Ups and downs and labels and anxiety all chip away at our sense of self, they don't define us though. We aren't defined by what others think we are, or by what mood we are in, we are just us. Those things are all just a part of us. It sounds like you are just trying to adjust maybe, to right yourself after being tipped upside down. It will come back, you will feel like you again, it's just a bit wierd and alien for a while after a spell of not understanding the world or our place in it.

Lola x

eccedentesiat said...

I know exactly what you mean, same thoughts slightly different obsessions. It's horrible. Really horrible.

Glad you haven't disappeared. Just keep holding on xxx

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

Can't add much to the comments here that could be significant.

At 45, maybe and only maybe, I have had the experiences to realise that my illness is what it is and does what it does....that sounds like I see the illness as a seperate part of me.....It isn't but I have a strong sense of identify and illness didn't take that away from me...perhaps in some ways it made me more understanding. It gave me insights I wouldn't have had without the illness.

Anyway that could be total rot but what I can say is I haven't lost me in the illness (although I have often had to fight hard to keep me)

You are worth keeping and I hope you come to a place where you realise that. That sounds patronising. Not intentional..wanted you to know how important you are.

xxx

Jessica said...

Hi Lareve,

I understand how you feel.
I'm thinking of you too.

Hugs.

crazyasuka said...

Hi Lareve. I'm really glad you stayed.