Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The appointment

Well I went to see my shrink and I don't know what to think (rhyme unintentional)

She said in these words 'I am difficult I want to be difficult and I set out to obstruct getting better'. Apparently when I had CBT back in november for six lousy sessions and I agreed to having a trainee so that I would have to wait four months less, then I purposely asked for a trainee to sabotage my therapy?

Also I purposely start meds and stop them just before they get effective (nothing to do with looking like an extra out of a low budget zombie film). In short they have nothing left to offer me because I am TOO DIFFICULT. CC wanted me discharged, Shrink was a little cautious in case I top myself and said the file will remain open and CC to see me every few weeks though no appointments mentioned.

When asked what was wrong with me she has decided it could be either Bipolar, cyclomythic, or Borderline.

However they are trying to get me to leave their services for the PD unit here. SO I think they are barking up the Borderline tree. Not that I am opposed to having a personality disorder (well I would rather not obviously) but if that's what I have then I do. But I don't think I meet the criteria for any of the above. And isn't Borderline a way to get you off their books?

I don't mean to be difficult, I don't think I am. All I have ever done is researched mental illness, taken an interest and at times questioned and had opinions. I feel like I have let the services down, The psychiatrist said I saw CC for 6 months and it hasn't helped. I feel terribly guilty for this use of resources, and for not being recovered though I really want to be. I am confused how six weeks ago they want to section me and now they want to discharge me. I don't know what is what anymore. I feel like I am to blame for everything for not being a better patient. I'm just crap at everything even being ill, which should be easy.


Mandy said...

Title of post would make excellent film title, me thinks. :>) Would need to be set in Monochrome and be directed by David Lynch.

When you quoted what the shrink said, I actually read it that they were saying it about themselves. Sounded about right to me. Ha!

You aren't difficult anymore than anyone else suffering mental distress/instability/illness (or whatever politically correct term is used these days). By the very nature of certain illness, people become erratic.

Have we now got to a point where people who are erratic are seen as deliberatly non-compliant? And reflecting back on 2 occasions where I thought the psychiatrists were much cop...it was down to their ability to negotiate with my neurosis around prior experiences, by listening to me and dealing with me (as a person not just a diagnosis) that I trusted them enough to negotiate with them.

Okay, so maybe there are times (not sure exaclty when..will leave that to the experts) when negotiation is not an option but in the main, I would say, there is, or at least should be, plenty of scope.

There's certainly more than one medication on the market. There's more than one kind of therapy the problem seems to be that you have already been 'labelled' as a bad puppy. Hence, what you will now get is serious attitude problems from staff and at the first opportunity, an excuse to have one less case to be dealing with. Was going to put nutcase but can almost see the hairs on the back of viewers necks standing on end.

Naughty Mandy. Very bad puppy indeed!

Hugs xxx

Lola Snow said...

I am getting so so sick of the same tired excuses being wheeled out by the NHS. It makes me so angry that they now throw that diagnosis about, and so blatantly to get someone off their books. I should be typing something more positive here, but I can't I am sick of the lot of them.

Lola x

La-reve said...

Thanks Mandy

Would be a pretty lame film maybe could turn it into a hitchcock and have some twist whereby the disgruntled and over labelled patient decides to smother the shrink with her own criteria forms and then pose as shrink in order to prescribe real help for her patients.

p.s - If things go quiet here its because CC has blog address and has sectioned me for threatenign behaviour. lol - doubt it though


Yes It does annoy me, don't really know where I go from here. If I kick up fuss it adds fuel to the 'difficult patient' label and if I go with it I get labelled with something I really don't think I have. Catch 22.

Mandy said...

Morning Lareve

Loving the film theme.

Shrink smothered with own criteria forms. Ha! Ha!