Friday, June 4, 2010

No happy ending ...ever

Well not posted in a while because the last post was so positive that I wanted to leave things that way- you no girl gets ill, girl recovers, girl walks off into sunset,

I was wrong. I got married, I am hppily married and Maldives was beautiful although I hit a monsoon and rained for 5 days out of 7

I went back to car park and would have jumped but friend (M you know who you are) rang at just right moment I think

I didnt sleep and losing a night sleep and 4 hours or so time difference made things worse. Picture middle of night dips in ocean among sharks etc.

Anyway now hit ground with a thud,

Can;t bring myself to eat, sleep only when sedated a lot. and walk really slowly. I havent washed in 5 days(eww) I dragged myself out on monday to a shop and must have been acting really weird as people were giving me rude looks and pulling their children close to them. I have resulted in staying inside where my weirdness is mine alone.

Yesterday CC came for 1st time in 6 weeks. We talked about things. like my supposed start for social work in september. Anyway I eventually owned up to being over sedated. (4 clonazepam, nitrazepam, temazepam and zolpidem.) So she came back with shrink and mum . I am so annoyed she told mum as she is not my Neaest Relative my husband is and if anyone is told it should be him. They made me go gp and my pulse rate was high but otherwise I was ok.

Anyway thoughts got worse tonight. wanted to go trent bridge and jump off or flyover and to use noose. So I did the unthinkable and rang crisis who were ok. she told me to go to 24hr asda which I did(can only leave house when no one around due to paranoia) but also went trent bridge, just for contemplation. I told her I wasn;t actively suicidal, partly because I'm not and partly because I am but would rather be dead than admitted,

Sorry no happy ending here,

p.s- now believe I am the one responsible for the killings in lakes. so that sort of thing is back.

1 comment:

D said...

Hey, you aren't responsible for lakeland killings but i get that shitty guilt driven paranoid thing going on too when i emotionally/mentally crash and it usually makes me want to curl up even more inside and hide and makes it so much harder to cope with the raw pain, feelings of wothlessness and cold nothingness that accompany plunging into the abyss again. Don't worry about letting others down or not achieving miraculous recovery, thats mostly bulshit anyway, just try to find some firm foothold in space you're in right now and inch forward , or just stay still and safe for now. Not sure if you have care worker
but get ppl you know to pester services for place of safety if thats whats required . We don't have to be heroic, we just need to get by best we can .