Wednesday, July 14, 2010

All is not fluffy in blogland or real life

Ok this is the post I have been pondering for few days but needs to be written. It being 3.26am and all I hope it will aid sleep.

I began my blog on 10 August 2008. Nearly two years ago. I don't know why really except as a way to get my darker thoughts out- the ones I didn't want to worry the real people with and also almost as a journal until I went back to work- which I hoped would be in the shot term.

I never started my blog to make friends. Although there are a few people I am lucky to have met here who have become invaluable support and had it not been for this blog I would have never have met them as there is probably no way our paths would have crossed.

I live in a big city but I don't know anyone else in my day to day life who has mental health problems. Or that admits to this. I trully believe that you have to experience some of this crap to know and understand the pain of it all and to empathise. Blogland gave me this it made me feel, part of something, less alone. Almost like a lighthouse lighting up the rocks when I am most adrift.

Lately it hasn't done that for me. After some emails which I won't dignify to post I have been left deflated and quite upset. You see it has all got to cliquey for me. I can't write to be censored or to fit some Stephen=Fryesque melodrama. I write in all honesty as I see it, and feel it. Just me and my laptop in a 30 second spout. it has been grim and a bit all over the place, but always accurate as to where I'm at. It can't all be fluffy bunnys I am sorry I don't intend to win awards or write novels, I don't sit around choosing metaphors which would sum up my over-priveleged childhood in long prose. I'm no longer sure of who and what is real with that. This will make me unpopular but this has never been about popularity.

It is my fault I guess for revealing too much and for allowing emails but I don't need this anymore. I am struggling at moment without worrying about cyber-space.

I therefore feel I have been forced to end this pursuit. I genuinely wish all of you out there the best with your illnesses/disorders or whatever problems you are having.

I will continue to read and comment where I see fit and maybe re-invent someting somewhere else. I thank those who have been supportive and pity those who haven't and feel the need to upset someone with enough on their plate. Thank you for reading.
La- Reve x


fine fine fine said...

La-reve, I'm so sorry this has happened, Cliques are never good. I only found your blog fairly recently but I like the fact that you say things how they are, immediate writing if that makes sense. I wish you well and understand your anxieties about cyberspace. Take care x

Nessa said...

You mean people have actually emailed you to impose their opinions on you without them being asked? I have never understood that, and I've seen this happen to other bloggers... it infuriates me. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm mostly a lurker here, don't say much because I don't know what to say, but what you've been struggling with, especially as of late is definitely not fluffy and you have absolutely no obligation of pretending.

Bippidee said...

I will miss your blog. I do understand what you mean about 'I don't sit around choosing metaphors which would sum up my over-priveleged childhood in long prose' - I don't write like that, although I do respect people who have that ability! I am sorry you have had problems with your blog lately. Although I know your problems have been a result of email, please feel free to email me if you want someone to talk to - I can't say I will be able to say anything helpful, but I can listen. And if you do re-invent elsewhere I would love to know, because I will miss you as I said. Take care. xxx

NOS said...

La-reve, I'm so sorry your recent experience with the blogosphere has been so negative. I understand your wish to stop writing. You'll be missed.

Wishing you well,

Mandy said...

Oh bxllox. The b'stards have got to you.

I have always had my suspicions that there are bloggers out there...with set agendas...who then set out to destroy other bloggers who don't fit their idea of "the acceptable face of mental illness" and there are some (who haven't got the balls to share their identity who act like they are experts on telling other people how they should behave.

You know my view on those types and if I was to repeat it here, the language would be profound and gutteral in the extreme. I would happily write it on my blog cos I don't give a stuff since I got similar treatment on and off my previous blog.

What their actions amount to is bullying and that is vile. See I can do a sentence without swearing if I try hard enough.

I will be sorry for your blog to go because I trust very few bloggers out there to be who they say they are and I know you and what your illness, and the shenanigans of staff at your local MH Trust has done to you.

Will keep in touch. xxx

La-reve said...

Thank you for all your comments. Yes cliques are not good especially when set up to hunt those outside or not fitting the 'model'. The emails were by other known bloggers. Yes not asked for and yes pretty cruel.

Anyhow. I guess they have the outcome they wished for. The end of my blog. And who knows who will be next in line for it. I don;t sugar coat how terrible things are. I am not ashamed of my illness but nor do I wear it as a status symbol. I would choose to be 'normal' in a flash.

I am back to being low, yes perhaps even suicidal. And I don't have the strength to fight these virtual people. when everyday I fight. My moods, my thoughts, and the MH service to get some level of support without their restrictions. It takes all my strength, I have none left.

Thanks for your support everyone. Maybe I will be back in blogland, maybe not. x

Anonymous said...

ohh i have only just found you and now i am loosing you- shame. i like your writing style and hope you may take it up again in the future-best wishes

p.s. the only reason i am anonymous is because i dont remember my google log in details

David said...

That's a great shame La-reve. I'll miss your writing too. Who are these bastards? A pox on all cliques and censorious c***s. Who the hell do they think they are?

Keep in touch eh? And hope you find a way to keep writing for firstly your own sake, and secondly for ours too.


Differently Sane said...

I'll miss your writing. I can't believe the audacity of some people, I never thought that kind of cruelty would go on in the madosphere. I understand your feeling not able to fight them with everything else you have to deal with soon.

Hope to see you around sometime.

Take care,

Seaneen said...

What happened? Who emailed you? People are cunts.

Seaneen said...

I will also miss you, by the way. Keep in touch.

David A Stein said...

I am sorry you had to go through that. I know exactly what you are feeling, as the internet can be a real downer. More important is your own mental health, and if that is compromised by your blog than do what is necessary to stabilize your life.

I wish I had come across your blog months ago, instead of just today. But as I said, I hope you feel better,


Pandora said...

I'm so late to this, La-Reve, I'm sorry. Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you've been treated like this and that you've had to end your writing :( Please take care if yourself. I hope you'll eventually be able to return.

*big hugs*

Pandora x

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