Monday, August 15, 2011

When is concern concerning.

I think my posts over the last week have caused concern..some comments I have got sad it is very very concerned/worried people are,..that I am unwell/very unwell and that I need help get my drift.

So the question is when is concern concerning?

I mean it is lovely that people care about me, me who has never met any of is humbling that I am away for months and then come back and you are there ready to be supportive.

But, I dont think I am unwell. I dont think there is/should be concern. I feel terribly guilty for causing concern ..when I am not ill ...well I may be ill but with a compeltely different disorder?

So should other people's concern, be concerning? is it that maybe I am not seeing what others see.

On saturday I went ot MDF group despite feeling a fraud as I dont believe I ever had 'Manic depression'. We went round talking about what has happened the last month. I told them I had come off meds, that I had given money to CC, been to airport and bought ticket (but not got on plane), tried to sort out rioters etc, etc.. the only reason I mentioned these things is that I may have been acting weird, as it looked like I wasnt listening to anyone, because I couldnt listen , because of the noise, the air and a distant alarm.. anyhow they were concerned..

I have slept a total of about 5 hours in the last 7 days. there is just so much in my head at the moment I feel like there must be steam coming out my ears. Last night I had a lengthy conversation with 'Differently Sane'. I am now convinced more than ever I had/have Munchausen or that type of thing here is my evidence.

1. Meds have no effect on me . In fact I dont have side effects or withdrawal. this is because I do not need medication because I am not ill. in fact I do believe the services have been giving me a placebo, becuase they have known all along that I had munchausen and perhaps they thought if they humoured me I would go away.

2. My psychiatrist is supposed to be a specialist in bipolar disorder, but I have never seen anyone in waiting acting even slightly elated, or particularly depressed. Maybe he is a specialist in factitious disorder, and it is part of treatment to allow me to work it out.

3. My psychiatrist always wants to use me as an example of bad srvices in training...but I think I am an example but I now believe I am an example of how to treat quite a rare and unusual disorder.

4. All my MHA assesments - 12, perhaps I fabricated them, or manipualted people into assessing me ,after all why wouldnt I want several drs, sw , cpn etc all talkign about is all about attention after all.

5. If I do have a mood disorder, then why do services and sevral different CC allow me to go from crisis to crisis...answer :because the crisis aren't real.

6.If I have a mood disorder, and was on high dose of medication..then why have I been left unmonitored for next few months to go off meds...why did CC not contact me and leave me without meds cutting my withdrawal plan to nothing within 2 weeks instead of 3.

There you go, So I guess the above suggests you shouldnt be concerned at all. I need to point out I am sorry, I never deliberately wanted attention., in fact I hate attention in all honesty (or maybe I am fooling myself I do???- its os confusing)

And there you go. Also crisis said they would ring CC to tell her I didnt have meds first thing monday,(which she already knew) she hasnt contacted me. It doesnt matter you see when both the meds and the illness is FAKE.

I have had no meds since wed I am FINE.


Pandora said...

My personal concern is for your safety, honey. As long as you can keep yourself safe, that's the main thing.

It's just...well. For example, if you were going out and tackling rioters, noble as that is in theory, you could have been hurt. I'm sure you know that but still...

Imagine you were reading this post on my blog, or Diff's, or Seaneen's, or Narky's, or whoever's. What would your reaction be to it?

I'm not trying to be accusatory, I just suspect that if any of us were so convinced that we had Fictitious Disorder that you'd not agree. Maybe I'm wrong though, I'm not a mind-reader. I certainly know what it feels like to feel convinced I have M√ľnchhausen's, though.

Even if you do have it and don't have bipolar disorder, it's still a mental health problem that needs treated.

Anyway, sorry, this is probably not helpful. Just as long as you are safe, then that's the main thing.

Thinking of you.


Pan xxx

Ruby Tuesday said...

I think I can understand some of this; during my recently 'high' episode I though people's level of concern was hilarious because I didn't get why it was happening. With hindsight, now that things have calmed down, I can see why people were worried.

People here care and their concern is not usually unfounded. I agree with Pan, that if someone else was saying the thing's you've been saying, you may not feel the same as you are towards yourself.

Re waiting rooms - I've never seen anyone acting outwardly 'mental' in them. Maybe we're all very good at bottling it up inside in the presence of professionals. Doesn't mean people aren't ill.

And your 5th point, well I think that says more about the CMHT than it does about you.

I'm not saying this to try to undermine you. I hope you're staying safe.


lettersfromexile said...

I agree with everything Ruby and Pandora have said.

I'm still concerned about you, but please don't take it as a criticism.

I'm also worried that you seem to have borrowed a lot of money on credit to give to your CMHT (and I'm angry that you've been allowed to, if that's the case.)

Stay safe and stay away from rioters ;)

la xx

La-reve said...


I really dont think there was a chance of me getting hurt with the rioters, but i can understand why others think that.
I also can say that I would not believe anyone who suddenly thought they had munchausen, but it is the only thing that adds up to me at the moemtn.

thank you for your comment.

Ruby- I do not feel undermined. I am safe, and I do understand what you are saying about the high mood distorting but as i ahve said it makes perfect sense. Take care. x

La- tahnk you for popping here and commenting, I do not take yours or any others comments as criticism , all but a minority of emails from the blog , have always been supportive- people mean well.

I did borrow the moeny from overdraft. the CMHT have it, they have not contacted me since I gave it to them a week ago. Well they sent me a letter to say they holding it in their bank at the local psych ward, and I can get it on random hour on day I ahve son, so they can keep it.. I will get them more when I can.

I have not heard anything from Prof re:letter sent so assume he agrees with new diagnosis.

LR. x

Nessa said...

<-- worried too. Don't know what to say. Will stay around thinking of you.

mememe said...

La Reve, I continue to be concerned, but that is in no way a criticism of you and I don't want to dismiss what you say. When I read this post I have a different slant on what you say than you do, (of course, I'm not you etc). But your list that you see as showing there is no need for concern, to me reads as a list of reasons why we, the cmht, proff etc need to be concerned. Does that make sense?
Most of all I hope you can keep safe x

Med said...

Hi there. I can see that you are doing what a lot of us do, the best we can to understand things. You have your experiences, and an insider knowledge about yourself that only you have... so natuarally you form conclusions at any one moment about what is going on. And as you find out more about yourself, and what it is you are going through, your conclusions will shift, and that's ok. What we understand is only the best we can understand at any one moment given what we know. I would say, accept that, be felxible with it... don't put to much emphasis on setting your conclusions in stone. Flow with what you know. Take care, Med.

Anonymous said...

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