Friday, August 29, 2008

Musings on meaning of life

Well think I'm having a down day or maybe a thoughtful day. Have been sat on sofa just flitting between blogs for few hours. a lot of thoughts are in my head at moment, mainly about death, the meaning of life etc. These thoughts aren't particularly dark- I have at this time no specific plans to take my life but feel as though I can't switch them off almost like someone in my head is holding a long boring lecture, which I am compelled to listen to.

What is the point of life? - seems this is a question which everyone ponders but I think especially those with depression or mental health problems- this could be because having removed our selfs from work and activity we have more time or because of the general melancholic state we often find ourselves in . I can't say I have any definitve answers to this. In my head I feel like whatever I could hope to achieve is futile- no matter how succesful, what you achieve or if you manage to escape your own personal demons then it all seems pointless as in the end WE ALL DIE. Even the genius of history- einstein, motzart, davinci etc all died. All that talent and potential evaporated. Some would say they live on through the effect their work had - which I suppose is true. But I have neither the talent or potential to achieve that kind of immortality - and so what is the point of my life?

If you are reading this you might think this is self pitying, I certainly didn;t mean it to come across like that. You might also think my mind is clouded by the negativity of the severe depression I am in. This is certainly what the health professionals tell me. However, a thought occured to me recently that I had never seen life in this way, maybe depression has given me the clarification that the 'sane' lack, and it is them who are naive. A controversial thought I suppose. But then why am I taking the meds- in the hope that I can go back to thinking the world is a nice place where the good prosper and where everyone does make a difference and when we die we all float off onto clouds - (would I not then be swapping depression for dellusion)

I guess when I feel that life is pointless and death is inevitable the question comes why am I still here. The answer is because of those I love and know who love me(there are a select few). I am not that lost within myself and unclear that I don't know that the price of ending my pain would be to inflict pain on those left behind. This is the balance I weigh up in my mind everyday. Sometimes, most times, it is enough to make me think and not act. Yet it doesn't stop this feeling of hopelessness and emptiness. Sometimes I feel i am made of porcelain, hollow in the middle and the slightest knock and I may be shattered to thousand pieces and impossible to mend.

To try and end this on a positive note, I suppose I can take comfort that I am not the only one to feel this way, and am told that people do find a way out. It's about finding a purpose to life and accepting that we have to make the best of what we are given ( I continue to work on this)

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