Thursday, August 28, 2008

In need of motivation

Went into town yesterday and spent day browsing shops etc, which was change from these four walls. Didn't want to go out but friend persuaded me which I'm very grateful for.

Saw my care co-ordinator today (SW) just usual questions really, trying to assess my mental state in a non-obvious and friendly way (this is not a criticism but I am well aware of the real motives behind her questions) Still think I'm coming across as very negative as she asked me why I have such a bad view of mental health services. To which I replied its not the Mental Health professionals its the way the whole system is set up and not in my opinion helpful to service users.

Anyway, she is off for two weeks holiday and will come to see me when she gets back. Not quite warmed to her yet, she seems nice but I'm in a place where I'm particularly guarded with even those closest to me so feeling at ease with someone new is going to take time. She wanted the link to my blog but I said I will think about it - think this may defeat purpose of having somewhere I can just rant without worying about repercussions or judgement. Will think about that one.

She asked if I had any questions but the only questions I could think of was when will I get a med that has a positive effect on me and when will I be better (i.e no longer in need of services) neither of these she could answer for obvious reasons.

I fail to see how anyone can help me at the moment, I guess I have to try and help myself but it comes down to knowing how and having that strength - sometimes just think best to take the easy way out. Also if I don't let people help me then I will remain stuck inside myself. At the end of the day I have the insight to know this but not the motivation to act on it ( not sure if the insight is therefore a blessing or a curse)

So the question has to be how do you give yourself the kick up the arse you know you need? (answers on a postcard please)


mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi Lareve

I am not sure when is the right time to kick one's self up the arse? There are times when it is necessary but I don't think in the thick of illness is always a good time. Not that I know myself exactly when the right time is.

I think something in me gave myself a kick up the arse Sunday through to Monday but I wasn't aware of it. It most probably happened sub-consciously. Or maybe my mood shifted, as it does.I dunno honey. At 45 I should be able to offer you more sensible advice than I do but in many ways I am still learning or re-learning how to deal with my illness.

You got to town and browsed the shops with your friend. Game on. It might not seem amazing but it is when you feel so bad and try and remember that you managed to do it, particulary when you are beating yourself up for all the things you don't feel able to do at present


Disillusioned said...

Why do youu need a kick up the arse? I know I have often felt that's what I needed, but friends have suggested to me that maybe I need and deserve compassion and care. Maybe that's what you need? YOu certainly deserve it; are there ways in which you can provide it for yourself? For example, I have a massage, or a bubbly bath, or a bar of chocolate (even though I know I shouldn't!) Something a counsellor said to me a long time ago which "stuck" was that I should behave "as if" - behave as if I thought I mattered. That's something I try to stick to. Sounds to me like you are doing all you can at the moment to push yourself on - what if a helping, friendly hand is needed alongside the push? (Or even instead of it?)
Be gentle with yourself.

Lareve said...

Thanks disillusioned - I think sometimes the hardest thing is trying to be kind to yourself. I'm ok giving help to others but I think expect too much of myself.
My partner once said I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get over myself and although he is a bit more sympathetic now this has stuck with me so rather than see myself as having an illness I see myself as needing that 'kick up the arse'

As for compassion for myself, have bought myself half a litre of Ben and Jerry which I plan to demolish slowly. trying to convince myself I will do exercise to work it off next week.

Thanks for reading post and commenting.