Saturday, October 11, 2008

I haven't posted here for few days because I have been really struggling. Struggling to stay safe, struggling to pull myself from the edge, struggling to sleep, eat and do the basics so blogging has to come down the list.

Things got quite bad on thursday, and I spent the day on the sofa counting out tablets, writing notes and not wanting to be here. Luckily I got call from Health visitor and talking to her rationalised thigns a bit and she suggested ringing CC again which I did. The result of this was she came to visit confiscated the tablets and we talked through things she did discuss hospital but I made it clear this is not something I wanted as whilst I am still here and alive I have son to look after. Anyway the result of this is I have been reffered back to Crisis team not for them to visit but so I can ring them if I need support this weekend.

Yesterday was ok, I knew I wasn't safe in the house so I managed to find the energy to stay out for the day, went for coffee, went to library etc. however did buy more paracetamol. I also picked up prescription for sleeps. Problem was the thoughts didn't go away. I tried ringing crisis friday afternoon but no surprise they were in a meeting. My refferal to them is pointless they are never there when you ring, so things would have to be pretty dire if I am going to ring them again.
I got a call from oc health also about leaving work and she was not very supportive. I am considering handing in notice as feel I am getting pushed out she actually asked 'why did you get signed off again when I said you were fit to return to work?'

Today I have spent day not eating, or drinking and stuck to bed. I am trying to hide from the world and myself. (an impossible task) . I know I won't try anything whilst family are home this weekend but if energy rises or I get some time alone, I know I won't be able to stop the thoughts coming and there will be only one way to silence them, so in some ways I am merely delaying the inevitable. This is no way to live, but it is my life for whatever I have left of it.


Disillusioned said...

Thank you for posting again, and for letting us know how you are doing. I am sorry things are so dark, but glad you are managing to hang on. CC sounds like she has tried to be helpful - can you call her again on Monday to let her know how things are and your problem contacting the crisis team?
There are some excellent crisis lines out there too, although most only open for certain hours. I made myself a list of which lines were open when, and that helped in some of the darkest times.
I hope you are able to keep hanging on. You are being very brave; I know how hard it can be. I can't do anything to help I know, but I am thinking of you.

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

Can't think of anything useful to write really.

Mental illness is shite. Sometimes desperate shite, other times a more kind of battling but surviving shite and there are times when it is relatively okay. Relatively in the sense of relative to how awful it can be.

I write this because am wanting you to know that it isn't always desperate shite although your now is not at all good for you.

And there is always a hope that it can get better...even if day in day out it is not seeming that way. Maybe a tablet will work...maybe your cycle will shift.Maybe things will improve a little and then you can move into a ligher place.

And I want you to know that I am here and reading and taking on board what you write.


La-reve said...

Thanks for the comments

Disillusioned- Thanks for the support sorry not replied before. I have spoke to cc re:crisis team but I think they just think I have downer on MHS can;t think why. I have not rang any of those support lines but the idea of making list is good one and it wouldn't hurt to keep something like that handy.

Mandy- I know there can be better times and days but problem is knowing the bad ones can be lurking again ready to pounce.