Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Death by depression.

Not sure whether to publish this, last few posts have been a bit dark and not how my blog or any blog should be really

Nothing has much changed on mood front. Went to work tuesday for about ten mintes then walked out, couldn't handle being there and whats the point when I prob won't be there by the time pay check comes end of month (well BACS - but cheque sounds better)

I saw my GP today who has signed me off for a month again. So feeling even more of a worthless piece of crap than usual. I was on reduced hours of three hours if I can't do three hours how the hell am I gonna ever work eight hours, or apply for a job that I actually want to do ( I am working in a call centre after shirking from my legal carear) Basically I am a waste of time, a waste of air a waste of NHS resources and a waste of blogspace.

I know my time is limited now, I have accepted that the end is near. I am not scared, I am not worried. I do feel some sadness that I won;t be around to see my little boy grow up, but it's better I go before he realises his mum can;t be what he needs and before I drag him into my illness.

I have rang cc I think she thinks I am attention seeking. I am not, I hate those people, I hate writing this as it comes across as attention seeking, but I'm writing it to get it out of my head and to explain to those who may find it over next few days/weeks. To silence these thoughts and images in my head of finishing it, telling me to just do it, I must do it. She just said that if I survive an attempt she will report me back to social services for concern over son's care even though I never do anything whilst he is under my care and that it will be seen as I am back as a risk to myself (by this she means likely to be on a section). So if I am going to do this do it right.

I am losing reasons to be here, I have nothing left to achieve in life, because I can't even achieve day to day basic things. No meds have worked for me , and I can't shake this illness. I just want it over with. I have lived 26 years, thats long enough and more than a lot. I just can't go on living this way for another 20, 30 ,40,50 years. I wan't to stop these thought, I want peace, silence, to be no more.


Disillusioned said...

Please keep yourself safe. No matter what you feel right now, there is hope, and your son does need you. Nobody else can ever take your place for him.
Will be thinking of you tonight, and looking for your next post. You do matter.

Gentle hugs.

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

You can't go....I need this blog to come to!!!!

What you going for the social control angle on yourself? Ha! ha!

I don't think your blog should be fluffy bunny land (certainly if you can't see the fluffy bunnies)

I got Madonna's "Express Yourself" going round in my head now.

Sending hugs cos starting to prattle.


P.S. If you see them fluffy bunnies,at any time, let me know. :>)

Pink Floyd said...

Everything you wrote, I can relate with. I hope you come through the darkness unharmed. Your son and family need you more than you'll ever know!

Mandy said...

Lots of hugs coming your way today


Mary said...

Hi I accidentally came across your page and wanted to say "You DO have a reason to be." I tend to go through plenty of down periods myself and what I've learned is -Things, situations, and moods change. A day, week, etc. when you're out of the "fog" it's like seeing with a new perspective and you realize today was worth living for. The other thing I find helpful is taking a look outside of myself. When I encounter homeless or disabled or people disadvantaged in any other way and see their steady determination and often cheerful disposition in spite of their cirmcumstances, you realize if they can do it and find joy in life so can YOU. Blessings and light, my dear.

La-reve said...
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La-reve said...

disillusioned, Mandy, Pink floyd,and Mary thanks for the messages. I am trying to keep myself busy, alive and out of hospital. Support means a lot.x

La-reve said...
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Disillusioned said...

Thank you for posting this; I'm glad you are working on being safe for yourself and your little boy. Thinking of you.