Yesterday spent whole day sat here:
Staring into here:
That was the extent of my world. I love open fires, something relaxing and almost hypnotising about them. I saw CC yesterday we talked a lot about my childhood. I don't really like to discuss it, it wasn;t particularly great but then having worked in child protection I know it could be a lot worse. I TRY not to let my background and the way I was treated effect who I am , if that is possible, probably not. she told me she had to discuss this with me whilst my mood is higher as when I'm depressed its like trying to talk to a brick and they can get nothing from me . Fair point.
Speaking of mood I have been edgy recently. I have spent a few hundred pounds on clothes for my son that he doesn't need. Money I don't have, money set aside for a wedding which didn;t take place in september due to a hurricane in Cuba and my illness. Last week I got plane tickets through for Paris which I had bought the same week of my london trip, the tickets were for today. I would have gone but I had not even spelt my name correctly on them. I can't remember booking them and they are non-refundable. On 26th november I am going for a meeting re training to be a Samaritan volunteer, this idea seemed good on applying.
Today I have been to town and seen my manager from work. She says that they are happy for me to have a bit more time off and see how the meds effect me before go back to work, as oc health have said if I go back and am signed off again within few weeks thats goodbye to me. Not sure what I should do. I feel fine at moment, and statutory sick pay has run out so I'm living on my savings at moment which are seriusly depleted but such is life . Mental illness and financial difficulty seem to go hand in hand that's just the way it is.
4 comments:
Hi Lareve
Firstly, wanna write I love the furniture and that open fire.
I can sit staring, for hours. Usually from my bed up at the ceiling!!! Perhaps I should buy a fish tank and have some expert put it up there. :>)
Glad no ill effects on the Depakote. The party line on this, I have heard many a time, is that it takes a few weeks to notice positive differences. That is when there is a positive difference. So hang on in there, things could and should get better.
Is also encouraging to read that your employer is allowing you time to adjust to the new medication. It takes that pressure off you (for a while).
I have had 2 really busy (positive) busy days. Will write it up on blog when I have slept and recharged batteries...but I got to town twice and am chuffed about that.
Anyway, hope you get a good night's rest.
xx
Hi!
I'm really lousy at leaving comments.. but I have to say I really like your room. The sofa looks really cosy.
Hope you are ok.
Thank care.
Hi Jessica
Just realised your message- thanks for compliment and reading. room is cosy and prob the reason i am often tempted to spend all my time there.
Ahhh resltlessness.........What to do about it, there isn't anything that gets rid of it. I really do think that a lot of it has to do with one simple fact and I don't know how much truth there is to this or not but it seems to make the most sense to me. I honestly think that when we are not doing what it is that we should be (whatever that may be, our true calling or our real purpose for being here) that we are stuck with this awful hell that torments us because we have to much time on our hands and no where to go with it. I know that if I am busy and I am doing something really fullfilling that it really helps, it never completely fixes it, I know that it will always be there, but it really does help. I know that there are others who understand this predicament. There is just always this feeling, heavy feeling, that regular life just isn't enough and never will be. I know that there was so much more that I wanted to do with my life and it just didnt turn out the way that I wanted it to and it probably never will. I will always struggle to cope with being happy with the life that God gave me. I try as hard as I can daily to be happy with what I have and most of all to be gratefull, but still, there is torment in my mind and in my soul EVERYDAY. I want to feel passion or inspiration or connection of some kind and I just cannot. And sometimes if I get lucky enough to feel something close to that it is gone in a flash and it is almost worse that I did feel something for a short moment because it is just a reminder of what I cannot have everday of my life. I know that something will change one day, I have to continue to hope,,,,,,,,HOPE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Post a Comment