Thursday, December 4, 2008

Back to work in a few hours.

I am having a lot of thoughts at the moment, racing thoughts, thoughts I am struggling to slow down and put in order. So I am increasing my activity to distract from the thoughts, but feel I am stuck in a bit of a cycle there. At least I am not depressed or suicidal.

I saw CC on monday and she thinks I may be back in doing too much, list making and big plans. I am also struggling to get spending under control. I have spent nearly a thousand pounds in last week or so(money I have saved for years), parcels turn up at the door and I have no idea what I have ordered, which is quite exciting like getting a present and not knowing what is under the wrapper, except I'm picking up the bill.

Anyway did have slight downer today. Had to go into work for Occ Health appointment and the new guy was a complete shit. He kept asking if I was better, and I said I think I am but not 'recovered' fully, and he said I need to make myself clearer, he also decided that instead of going back for two hours this week and working up to 8 hours I would have to do 4 hours, 5 , 6 and then eight. so I am back to work tommorow for 4 hours, not the 2 I had expected or geared myself up for, and don't think less than 24 hour notice of that change was helpful.

I am concerened tonight, anxious, and I feel I need to expell this anxiety some how. Thoughts of SH which I am trying to resist. I am anxious because I don't want to lose my job, but if I go back and am off sick again they will sack me. I won't be able to find work with my absence record in current climate, and 26 is too young to retire. Half of me thinks 6 or 8 hours of concentration is mere childs play, and I could do a 45 hour week and apply for promotions, the other part wants to get signed off, lock myself away in my attic and never come down again, I wonder which part is strongest......

4 comments:

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

Not sure if I have caught you before you go to work.

Appreciate your anxiety in going back...more so from when I remember going back to work after being off sick.

I would get very scared but then it would be like biting a bullet. A sort of "this has to be done" thing. Most of my experiences of going back to work were positive in regards to being with people. There is this mother hen side to me that liked to cluck over people.

And feeling useful and having my day taken up involved in things was mostly beneficial.

Am only going to write the good bits now because I want you to be as positive as you can and not to get bogged under with thoughts of what might go wrong.

I don't know if it is the right time or if there is ever a right time to go back to work from being ill...all I can really say is you can but try.

Hope things go well for you and people treat you kindly

xx

La-reve said...

Hi Mandy

You did get me I am just about to head off working 11-3 today. Just been dentist, don;t know why I picked both of those to be in one day. I haven't slept and am resisting to go bed and stuff it all but want to give it shot.

La-reve said...

P.S- really appreciate the thought and good wishes :)

p3bbles said...

I hope work is OK - Iti s a big step going back - Take Care

P3bbles