Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It's what I do

Today, I have been at home wrapping presents and looking after Son. The Health Visitor came today to do his development review and everything is fine, he is on and over target for his milestones. We chatted about diagnosis, and I told her I don't think they want to pigeon-hole me at mo. She thinks I am much the same(i.e still mad)

Yesterday, Care Co-ordiantor came round. I told her about the overdose. She said it was shocking that work did not send me straight to A and E or encourage me to go after the 32 paracetamol. We chatted about why I overdose, I talked about the voice, the urge, the not wanting to be ill, but the only way to not be ill is to not BE at all. I don't think she understands - as she finds me unpredictable. Because I don't shriek or howl or burst into tears and throw myself on the floor. She can't see when I am low, when I'm suicidal, when I'm a risk. But that is how I am, how I've always been. FLAT. I don't think I feel. I told her I don't think I was born with emotions. She said all humans have emotion, so maybe I'm not human. Anyway on the subject of overdose, I told her I won;t do it again and she said I will, She knows I will , she doesn;t know when but IT'S WHAT I DO.

'IT'S WHAT I DO' These four words, going round and round in my head for the last 24 hours. I don't want it to be what I do, it shouldn't define me, but apparently it does. Forget everything I am and have been I am now a serial OVERDOSER. Next time I'm at a party it will be. La-reve meet Susan she's in IT. Susan, this is La-reve she's into overdoses.

Bottom line is - she say's it's a Russian roulette that one day I'll lose. It's inevitable, it's a matter of time- IT'S WHAT I DO. And so I wait.


Polar Bear said...

Yeah, but it doesn't HAVE to be "what-you-do". Besides, I think labeling yourself, or having someone else label you this way isn't helpful at all.

I think it's more important to look at why you are doing it. What does it do for you? How do you put that into words to explain to someone honestly about this?

And the most important thing of all - ask what can you do when you feel like taking an overdose? What can you do INSTEAD of overdosing? Call a friend? Call you care coordinator? Can you do something that you enjoy?

La reve, I've been a serial overdoser. I've been in and out of hospitals - both mental and medical (and in ICU, no less) too many times to count. It used to happen so much more frequently, and even though the last time I did this was a few years ago, I can't honestly say it won't happen again. It's been my pattern of behaviour and when things get rough, I revert back to my old coping mechanism, which is to OD. But I am working very hard in therapy to put other strategies in place.

I just want you to know that you don't have to go down this road. You can start doing things differently now.

Take care of yourself, ok?

La-reve said...

Thanks Polar Bear

Really appreciate you taking time to read and leave lengthy reply. I just don't I can break the cycle, like whatever I do only provides a temporary distraction.

Sometimes I'm not sure I want to break it - like I just want to do it right next time- I guess that's the problem.

I will have to hope the Quetiapine helps me.

Anonymous said...

It doesnt have to be what you do, we are all capable of change. It may be what they expect of you, but it doesnt have to be. I hoep tyhings get better for you, Hannah X

Anonymous said...

"Sometimes I'm not sure I want to break it - like I just want to do it right next time- I guess that's the problem."

You want to do it. It's the trademark of a coping mechanism: it looks attractive to you and that's why you keep on doing it. It fools you into it. It's a cycle, and it's very hard to break just because it looks so attractive and when you're doing really bad it looks like the only way out.

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

Am not going to write about the overdoses or the cycles because I don't get those sorts of cycles.

Have felt suicidal in the past but I have tended to actively seek out support when I do. By that am not saying that what I do is right or just what I do.

Is better, I think, that you get comments from people who have been in similar-ish situations and cycles.

I can think about you and your situation, worry a bit at times (worrying is what I do best :>) and be contactable if you want to be in touch but I can't say I know how it is for you because I don't.

Am glad that your son is doing well...whatever the milestones are that he has met must provide some comfort to you and hopefully some reassurance that you have been and are doing good by him.

Look after yourself there. I know that isn't easy. Remember you are cared for.


La-reve said...

Thanks, colouredmind.

Crazyasuka- Yes you hit the nail on the head, but it;s knowing how to break that cyle which is hard.

Mandy- Thanks for comment, yes it's good that D is doing well. He is young enough to see everything at face value and not understand thigs like illness, which is good.
I appreciate your comments and empathy despite your demons not being of the exact same variety. YOu take care too.