I don't really know what to write except I haven;t blogged in a while and am thinking it's something I need to keep up with or risk losing all together.

I am at the moment in what I think is a mood shift. I feel quite low and lacking enrgy. Today in between looking after my son I did very little but lay and stare into an imaginary space. I am not sleeping, not really eating. And although I have been trying to keep up with all your blogs etc I am struggling reading let alone commenting.

I feel quite sad that my care co-ordinator is leaving. I have a new co-ordinator E but I would rather keep the old one. It took me a while to get used to her but she was so honest and to the point and I liked that. She knew what I meant when I couldn't explain myself, and how what I say is not always how I feel. E may be nice but I don't want to have to go through all that again with someone else. Someone who may not understand. I know it sounds a bit pathetic and clingy but old CC is getting made redundant, and that is annoying. I feel pathetic and needy. In real terns I would rather not be under MHS or have a CC at all, but if I must have/ or need one then better the devil you know. eh?

Today I counted out and bought pills for the first time in a while. 17 Seroquel. 12 Sertraline. 28 Temazepam. 34 Paracetamol. I know, bad sign eh?. 2009 didn't turn out to be the miracle turning point. I spoke to CC for nearly an hour today. I know I am in an endless cycle of feeling great, and feeling shit without a mid-way point. I am tired, so tired of this. Both zap my energy, both are stealing my life. I am due to see Shrink thursday. I don't know if I will go. I don't feel like anyone can or should help me. I will keep cycling it seems until I am either dead or sectioned. Maybe there are meds that can or might help me. But experience has made me negative. I am so tired I want to lay down and let IT hit me. I have given up the fight. A fight I was losing anyway.