Monday, January 5, 2009

In here for life.

Had a really good day today. The type of day when I don't remember ever being ill. Was I? The type of day when I am happy to be alive, happy for the small things.
True, I am back to work tommorow and have my review this week but even that couldn't bring me down. I went into town, had a nice lunch with a friend and did some shopping.

However, My Care coordinator was back today and hearing about my blip last week wanted to come and see me. So I cut the trip short to see her. Going over things did put a dampner on things. I told her that I have a plan for 2009. I told her I am better, that I don't need meds, won't agree to any meds,and that I am no longer ill. Problem was she looked at me like if she could she would have slapped me with a section right then and there. She said she disagrees, she thinks I am quite ill and that it concerns her that I think I 'm not- she says my moods are uncontrollable all over the place and my risks seem to be increasing. They want me to see the Shrink but I said no point I am well. I DON'T WANT MEDS. She told me that i will be asigned a new CC when she leaves in January.
Thing is I just don't see the point. Things have got worse since I've been under CMHT. Is it just me or do you ever think that when you have these visits - weekly in my case, talking about moods and illness and suicide and risk- all it does is keep you locked in that little illness bubble. What I want is to put it all behind me and forget about CMHT and CPA and CC and SSRI and PD and all that other jargon and just be me again. The now me, the well me.

However bottom line is. CC refused to discharge me. They said they can't discharge me why I'm at risk, she also said if things continue I will find myself in hospital.Hmm. I did say to her it is my choice, can they force care on me? apparently they can,and are. they won't discharge me, they won;t allow me to leave. I may never escape the mental health services, I'm a lifer now.

EDIT: They also wont let me read the rest of my med notes am angry about this


Anonymous said...

They'll let you go eventually. I can only compare it to the whether I'm fit to go to uni arguement I have with my parents. My CC will tell me that I have to prove I'm well enough. I don't know how.

Take care. Glad things are looking up for you xx

Anonymous said...

Tongue in cheek I have to say, if you were suicidal, you'd probably have got discharged at your request. Being happy and showing it was obviously where you went wrong there La-reve. They can't abide seeing people doing well....

But seriously, just because you are up now, doesn't negate the chance of a corresponding low. You have to plan for one coming, and then if it doesn't you can merrily rub their noses in it. But if it does, then you have the "support"

Lola x

Disillusioned said...

I don't know what to say really. All I can say is that my psychiatrist also expressed massive reluctance to discharge me - I just kept on saying I was discharging myself in the knowledge that they couldn't force me to attend an appointment - but I did have the agreement of my GP, which I am sure had an effect, and also the fact that CMHT had failed to provide me with the support the psychiatrist said I needed.

Seaneen Molloy said...

Crikey, most people I know get discharged left, right and centre. I asked to be discharged two weeks after I tried to top myself and they were going to let me go.

I think they will eventually if you still want them to. I also think that their cautiousness is understandable. Try and see it from their perspective.

Mandy said...

Hmm Lareve

You want to be discharged but your care co-ordinator won't discharge you. Bizarre as it may seem most people want to stay under the umbrella of MH Services...such as they are,,most probably for a sense of security but I dunno but are being discharged anyway.

I think BLPT is going for the record on how many people it can discharge in a year.

I think that could be a question asked by the Healthcare Commission when it does its annual review.

Another totally irrelevant target that does more damage than good.

I think you need to start telling your care co-ordinator how much you need their services..give it a'll be off the record.


Feathers said...

That is really interesting as under CMHT went through the assessment...well made it to two appointments, did not go again, because really felt they were trying to label me, fit me in a box, the help thought would be there i did not think it was. (prior was under crisis response team for ages...when overdosing continually..)

Was really ill still am, suicidal thoughts so on continually, kept trying to tell them how ill i felt in the end, high anxiety, depression means cannot make the appointments anyway.

Wanted them to discharge me like you, but it seems even though i would just like to be under my GP...again..they keep sending me appointments, do not go too....thought they would have discharged me by now.

Think its because overdosed so much, still kind of like it at present although they do not know, someone mentioned if it all happened again,was discharged then it would mean going on the list so perhaps they keep you on?

Felt i had lost me, completely, mainly as was trying hard to get the help from CMHT talking about suicidal thoughts, the past so on...then it felt frustrating as i kind of expected them to come alongside me more. Not to solve everything but thought perhaps they may have done a little more than they did.

Problem is kind of know until get the help i need, depression, anxiety will still be there.

At the same time the feeling of cannot go through it all, on top of illness is completely stopping me. Perhaps feel let down as well. Could not really see what were they doing, completely suicidal asking for help, for first time and nothing there...or that is how i felt. Think they just are so used to dealing with it all, they do not rush, but when your life is kind of limited, daily life is not there, it seems like eternity.

Never got around to reading my med notes or requesting it, think it may be too traumatic....can they do that not allow you to read them? Suppose if they think they would harm you in some way they may do..

Anonymous said...

Hey La-reve, sorry to bug you. Was wondering if you could tell me how you got permission to see some of your medical notes?

Lola x

La-reve said...

Well Lola, I sent the DPA forms off - I have these from law grad days and they have to respond in 28 days and give good reason if you refuse. I can send the forms to you if you wish.