Sunday, February 1, 2009

Life on the outside

I saw Crisis team yesterday and friday. They told me they can;t understand why I am back under their services and that I present as well and not detainable. This adds strength to my theory that I am fine.

They were supposed to visit every day but will just ring me between now and tuesday. They don;t think visiting is necessary and neither do I. I think they think I am not taking my medication but just telling them I am. CC may be reading so I won't say if there is truth to their suspisions. I have been honest up til now and look where it has gotten me. Maybe a change of approach is needed.

Anyway. Last few days have been hell. I may have lost my job over recent events. My GP wouldn't give me a sick note because I haven't been off for first 7 days and may be well to go back next week. I have lost at least two weeks pay as I don't get paid stat sick pay anymore. And I have lost a bit of trust in the MHS professionals. I have been in a constant state of unrest and anxiety. Pacing, going out, walking doing anything. I feel extrememly edgy. On friday night I booked an early morning ticket to London just to get away and I felt I needed to go, but a kind friend chatted me out of this :). Also I don't want to ring anymore alarm bells to my 'CARE' team.

Last night I went for a drive and ended up at the airport. I don't know why I do these things. But I get an urge and I feel I have to go. I never go through with the getting on a plane though. I couldn't leave my little boy at home.

I wrote a letter of discharge yesterday to the CMHT. Recently, and especially after thursday I don't feel in control. But logic tells me to do so may lead to them increasing their intervention and me looking like I am ILL. So I am holding onto that.

Anyway my posts are getting a bit self obsessed will try and right constructively next week.


Lola Snow said...

So sorry to hear about the job mate, that sounds distinctly discriminatory to me. They shouldn't be allowed to get away with that. Hope you are taking care of yourself.

Lola x

eccedentesiat said...

I understand about feeling that you're under their control. Ultimately they hold all the cards and can make the big decisions and it's horrible to know they can do that.

Not much in the way of help I know. Take care xx

Bossy Boots said...

Please please keep standing up for yourself. In this you have to manage your own care, no one is looking out for you but you in the medical world.
I feel for you about the job, I have lost most jobs I have had in the long run. It is difficult to keep a job when you are struggling just to keep your mind.
Hang in there and don't give up and you will get the help you need.

La-reve said...

Thanks for the comments

Lola, I haven;t lost my job yet but I don;t fancy my chances. Could be worse could be in hospital. I am taking care of myself but extremely stresses. thanks

Yes it is horrible that they hold the cards. I feel I can't win. I'm told if I'm not honest then they can't help but honesty leads them to make decisions for me not with me.

Bossy Boots
Thanks for popping by and commenting. I am trying to stick up for my rights. But it has been taken partly out of my hands. I'm not sure I want their help at all but ehn I'm not sure I can cope alone. Hmm

BPD in OKC said...

I agree with Bossy Boots that you must continue to stand up for yourself. You won't ever get better if you can't be in control of your treatment.

I went to a part-time inpatient facility for a while last summer and the shrink they gave me was horrible. He was a complete jerk and was very sexist. I had to stand up for myself on the type of treatment I was getting. Today I'm in recovery from borderline personality disorder and I don't think I would have ever gotten here if I didn't take control of that treatment.