Thursday, February 5, 2009

My Epiphany

I haven't posted for a while because I have had to get my head around what happened last week. I think I have reached a turning point now. For the first time in a long while I can see myself getting better, not the 'I am great, never was ill' type of better which I often get when I am elated. But a doing my best with what I have better.

I didn't discharge myself from CMHT. I saw CC for the last time today. It went well. I felt very emotional about this, but in usual me fashion I held it together. I know it is not always the popular view in blogland to speak positviely of ones workers, but she has been my lifeline on more than a few occasions and will be greatly missed. Last week after the MHA assesment it was hard to see that the 6 months she has been visiting weekly, had been anything but fruitless. However, now things have simmered down, I know there has been positives. She has helped me understand there are risks to being elated as well as depressed and how I might manage these moods and risks. She has helped me see to a certain extent that until I can accept that I am ill, and take responsibility for getting well (stable anyway) then I will be stuck in this endless cycle. I understand this and am starting to work on it. Mostly, she has tought me through her honesty and patience that I can trust others, even MHS professionals (I know, shock horror!!)

So here goes, I am back on the Seroquel 300mg. Yes I swore I would never take meds but in the end, the path I was on was only ever going to lead to a sectioning or death and so meds are the least of these evils. Yes I am tired, yes I don't feel alive until lunch and yes my cognition feels very slow. But I feel calmer and no longer need to do everything and anything. I am giving my brain the space it needs to rebuild and move on. If I have to have a chemical push along the way is it really that bad?. I see it as a temporary neccesity, there are people who depend on the reliable, sane La-reve and without meds I can't be what they or I need.

So there you are, my epithany, well not really, but maybe it took to nearly being sectioned for me to realise I was on a self-destructive path. I have changed path now but it is a long hard walk home. There may be de-tours, there may be road blocks but I will return. The destination may have changed but I will know home when I get there, and I will never venture out alone again.


Hannah said...

I'm so glad you're in a much better place now, I really hope the meds enable you to reach a more level plane, I think you've made a really brave and tough decision,

Take care,

Hann xx

eccedentesiat said...

Agree with what Hannah said. Really pleased that you're beginning to find your way. Take care lovely x

Lola Snow said...

This sounds so much more positive Lareve, and I think you are making brilliant steps. Long may it last. Take care

Lola x

crazyasuka said...

300 mg is so much. I don't understand why they don't start with a smaller dose until you get used to it.

Still, I am glad you're feeling better. I was worried about you wanting to leave everything.

La-reve said...

Thanks for the comments
I am feeling positive but treading with caution as I have felt this way and dipped before.
I have been taking half of 300mg and will take full one next week.
I still fighting the urge to flush them but I think they're needed for now. :)

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

Glad you are in a better place. I do hope you are in a better place and it stays that way.

Meds...heck...if they work then why not take them? Especially if not taking them is worse.

Again...hoping they get you the level you need.

Thinking of you x

La-reve said...

Hi mandy
Yes I am in a better place. Well its all relative isn't it. Just can't get used to these damn tablets and side effects are worse than the illness. I feel like they are dropping me into depression. Still I will plod on. At least I'm sleeping now.
Lareve x

Nick said...

Hi Lareve, I'm glad that you are making progress :) The side effects of those meds sound difficult though, I'm not too keen on how mine make me feel either. I've been taking them right before bed otherwise I tend to feel really depressed afterwards.

I hope you are feeling ok at the moment, it sounds like you've had a really hard time recently.

Polar Bear said...

La reve,
That is very good to hear, that you are well on your road to recovery.

well done!

La-reve said...

Thanks Polar Bear
I not sure I am completely on the road there but nearer than I was a week ago.