Saturday, May 9, 2009

How I ended up in hospital - Again

Thank you all for your kind comments on my previous posts. I am so lucky to have found blogland and all your blogs and such kind readers/friends. I am home on weekend leave go back sunday and I officially get discharged next friday all being hunky dory(theres a phrase not used in a while).

Anyway thought I would do a post where do I start well I guess at the beginning how I was picked up and co-erced into the Nottingham psychiatric assesment ward again.

It was thursday 2nd april I had been out of hospital a week and decided to go into town to look around I went into gardening store and bought some grass seed and decided to go home and cut my grass and put some seed down etc. I even bought gardening gloves and everything.So I had every intention of going back to usual everyday life after my jump. Anyway next thing I know I was back on top of the multi storey car park I had been picked up on twice before. I must have been there a while I don't know If I went there to jump but the thoughts were in my head so much so that I rang my care co-ordinator. I tried to tell her how insecure I felt how I felt that on the verge of something bad happening that in my head I had already decided I was becoming special like invincible , that I had been to high buildings ready to leap and prove the theory but she didn't seem concerned or maybe I was to bliase and she just thought I was saying it for effect. I didn't tell her where I was, but I told her I was in a busy place and should I go to A and E as I thought I would be going to car park again otherwise she just asked why I was ringing her as there was nothing she could do about it.

The rest is a blur, I just know the next thing I was on edge of the highest multi storey car park in Nottingham city centre again overlooking oncoming heavy traffic. And the police were there I tried to run but was caught and grabbed and forced into the car like a criminal. I was taken to the local holding cells again where this time I had to have a FULL ( I mean FULL body search) give up laces belts, bobbles, any belongings(bag of grass ha ha - that was a comedy moment) and wait 5 hours for the privelage of my 4th MHA assesment in 5 weeks.

I remember pacing around in the cells, I rememeber continually pressing the call button, asking for the police codes and making paper planes with them. I stood on the toilet at one point so that when they looked in they thought I had hung myself and alarms were pressed (yes I was slightly high).

Anyway after 5 hours I was summoned to a room where there was a GP , A crisis team worker, a social worker, A shrink and my own shrink I had seen earlier that day. When I saw her I knew I was going down. Questions were asked why was I up there. And I will share with you the reason. because I was Invincible because to me it never entered my head that jumping from a 6 storey car park roof to the floor would do me the slightest harm, because no-one would believe me, because I needed to proove this by jumping, and because the thoughts egging me to jump wouldn't die until I did jump. Why Me, why was (I) Invincible because I had a purpose to have a child that would save the world . I would conceive this child this year and until then I couldn't and wouldn't die. So Why not jump?

It wasn't just that I felt special I hadn't slept in about a week , I had barely ate and everything seemed to be whiring, the thoughts were racing in my head and I didn't have the power to stop them. Even If I had the power I wouldn't have, as on top of that car park feeling invincible. I WAS GOD. In my own warped mind I was the only one in the world with the special privelage and power who WOULD choose to give that up. Even now I mourn it slightly only knowing the risk that came with it do I know I was ill.

I was asked to leave the room as they decided what to do with me it didn't take long for me to come back in and them tell me that I needed to be back in hosiptal for a longer period of assesment. They thought I might have Bipolar Affective Disorder a diagnosis now confirmed (I will discuss in another post) and that I would be placed under a section 2 lasting 28 days. I started panicking and pleaded and eventually was allowed to go voluntary to the ward as long as I agreed not to keep asking to leave and work with staff I agreed and was taken by police escort back to the ward I had only been on the week previous. As it turned out I would have been out earlier on a section 2 anyway. That it how I got back in hospital and a long enough post the rest I will post in my next chapter when I am back out.


Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

Am pleased to read you are out on weekend leave.

Glad you are posting about your past month or so and your experiences in acute care.

I think is good that you share what you feel able to of it here and I hope it won't be long before you are able (and MH professionals agree is in your best interests) to be home on a more permanent basis

Have missed you about blogland.


eccedentesiat said...

Welcome back you. ((Lareve)) Take care x

Abysmal Musings said...

Hello Lareve,

You've had a horrible time by the sound of it. I really hope things pick up for you this time around.

That 'god' feeling: it's overwhelming. I don't think there is any advice that can touch it, apart from the obvious - you're not god. I know how seductive and dangerous that feeling is too. If I feel even the hint of it coming on at the frantic times, I make myself laugh and laugh at myself before it gets a grip.

Keep safe my dear, keep sane, and I hope you get out of hospital and back to health soon.

D x

Jessica said...

Hugs Lareve.

Hannah said...

I'm so glad you are safe and getting help, I hope writing about it is helping you too. Been thinking of you and will continue to do so.
Best wishes and big hugs during this tough time,

Hann xx

colouredmind said...

Sounds like a really horrible time. I am glad that you are back to blogging and are going to be discharged soon. Take care, Hannah X

The Shrink said...

Hope all's more decent in your corner, now - looking forward to reading more!

trio said...

Thanks for sharing. Hope things are going well now you are out.

La-reve said...

Thanks all-

Mandy- sharing hekps me put it togeteher in my mind - i think

Eccedentesiat- Thank you

Abysmal musing- It was not really a horrrible time as at the time I thought I was having the time of my life its now realsising what I did and put people throught that is horrible.

Jessica- Hugs back

Hannah- thank ypu been thinking about you too, will catch up with your blog soon.

Colouredmind- Hoping to be discharged thursday , again more horrible realising what youve done than in the doing,

The Shrink- Thanks for popping by my blog. Hope you find my recent pics and description interesting wonder how it compares with your wards,

trio- Hello, things are well on leaave but I'm still on shaky ground so taking it slowly thanks.