Sunday, July 26, 2009

What was up must come down

Feeling a bit low here at present which is why I haven't blogged. Had a funeral on wednesday my partner's cousin she wqas disabled from birth and never expected to live until a great age but at 20 it was still sad. Made me think of my own mortality, how close I've come to one of those coffins.

I doubt I would have the same turn out, people would no doubt be more angry than upset I would have let them down its not the same as when you die naturally is it? People assume you died because you were weak when really I would have died of an illness no different from any other.

About a year ago I took an overdose which led me to A&E, back when I was naive enough to think 16 paracetamol would kill me. It's been a year and now I have a diagnosis- Rapid cycling Bipolar disorder, I have care workers, plans, and am on a whole lot of meds but still those thoughts creep in finding every free crack to seep in their intrusive thoughts.

There are days when I accept my diagnosis am happy that I do at least experience some highs of mood and am not chronicaly depressed and can for the most part maintain a grip on reality. Then there are the other days when I can't be strong anymore when I know it will kill me, and if it doesn't then do I really want to live as I have the last year. If I'm honest there are times when I want to die, when I've laid there and held my breathe til I'm dizzy, but that never works.

I think I'm just in a low spot, being a rapid cycler I can take courage that my mood will go up again. But I'm tired of the cycle, in fact I'm exhausted I wan't to be left alone to be how it was before - If I could remember how that was.

On top of that I am becoming quite the recluse, apart from the obligatory trip to nursery to drop of my son I don't go out and when I do it's after taking a few Lorazepam (which I have come to depend on) I just stay in and think or if I take sevral Loraz then sleep. At the funeral I had to run out because I had a panic attack and was going to faint.

I saw work on tuesday and I'm signed off until 6th August they are having meeting to see if they will let me come back and on what terms. With all these thoughts in my head and the tiredness I'm not sure I'm ready for it, but I haven't been paid since february,as stat sick pay ran out and benefits not sorted right and can't seem to get throught to DWP.

Anyway that's my week..........


Mandy said...

Hi honey

Just read what you wrote on my blog so came over.

The cycling is one respect it is something that what goes down does go up again. Hope it doesn't take too long for that to happen for you.

Sure the funeral bought back unhappy memories. You were brave to go, although understand respect and love for person played its part. Am dreading another funeral tend to be living in the moment.

Being so long without money is awful. Not sure what the DWP are playing at but assume that whilst you are still 'officially' in employment they won't pay benefits to you. Is something that only you can decide (going back to work..if judging your illness/wellness at time is anything like a fair decision to make) and hope that you don't feel any unnecessary external pressure to do anything in that regard.

I am sure there will be time to dance...not sure when...but let me know and I will pick some sounds for you.


Polar Bear said...

I'm sorry to hear about your partner's cousin. We're always forced to think about our own mortality when someone we know passes away. I think about it too often - sometimes even when I[m watching TV, or reading the news about someone dying too young and before their time.

I've come close too. And I still wonder if my life will inevitably one day end prematurely at my own hands.

I can only hope that if I do go on my own terms, that the people around me will not be angry, but understand that at least my pain have ended.

werehorse said...

Sometimes I think it will be the fear of the depression that will kill me, not the depression itself . . . I remember once commenting on your blog that I missed dancing. I'm dancing again now, but I know the darkness can come back too, and it scares me.

You've had a hell of a year, I hope things do settle down from now on. Is there anyone who can help you with the DWP? Can you get a referral to Framework? They are *excellent*

Take care x x

Jessica said...

Hi Lareve,

I haven't been blogging much but I have been reading your blog when I'm logged on. I'm sorry to hear about how you are feeling. I'm not working now, so I understand the panic and fear and depressing feeling. Yes and I get that alot.

My friend was admitted to ICU because of blood in her lungs and I spent Monday with here. We cried alot and I feel very very sad and helpless.

Anyway I hope your mood will lift and I will come by and check on you.

Take care and you are in my thoughts.