Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Still falling

Not sure I have ever felt so low, I mean I must have but I don't recall it.

Even things which are usually guaranteed to raise my mood- good music tracks, chocolate, pampering myself, just don't do anything and are too much of an effort. I thought skipping meds last night might elevate me but it hasn't. Last night I took four sleeping tablets and still thoughts wouldn't leave me. Thoughts of ending this and how. I wanted to scream. I would have rung the crisis team but I never find they are of any use, they tell me to distract myself( as if I would be ringing them if that was possible.)

I only left the house to pick up my son for ten minutes and I found myself crying on the way home. I never cry. I can't eat .

Tommorow I have another appointment with CC and Psychiatrist, but I don't know whether it is worth going. Where have I actually come in a year? I don't think I can be helped. They just want me to take meds I can't tolerate. I try to tell my boyfriend about last nights thoughts but he just said 'not again' and I didn't reveal the half of it. I'm supposed to be stable right?

I don't really know what to write, I don't like to write such negative posts but it is how things are. And I'm supposed to ring work thursday to see if I have improved and can go back next week. Still haven't heard back from employment support allowance application I did over phone so I have had no money since February/March though can't worry about that now.


Mandy said...

You have to write it how it is, Lareve.

Lies don't help...well unless you actually believe them.

Your partner's lack of empathy can't be helping much either. Reinforcing that 'other-worldness' and more guilt because you aren't cutting his mustard.

You aren't because (for now) you can't. Crying is a release. I had issues with crying (mostly as an adolescent) but have long learnt that it helps me to let it out. It isn't a crime it is a natural response and should be as accepted as laughing...society still a bit too anal to buy into that.

Won't continue. Sure you are totally exhausted and I want to provide some support rather than pile pressure on.

Email or phone me. Am about and on side although I haven't got answers, I care.


Kate said...

Hi lareve,
I think you need to take any opportunity you can to reach out and talk to someone. It seems that you have so many stresses adding to your lot.
Could you get someone to chase up the ESA? That length of time is unacceptable.
I really feel for you. Just think you should ease off on yourself and scream/cry if you need to and lean on any one you can.

Abysmal Musings said...

Dear Lareve, I can't add much to what Mandy and Kate have already said, but talking is good, crying is healthy. Try to eat when you can - it helps a lot, even if the thought is impossible.

When I've had horrid times, I've often thought the next day "if I managed to make it through *that*, then I can make it through anything." Even if it's hard, it's worth remembering how much one has dealt with before, and that it passes.

Sending you a great big dose of sympathy this rainy Wednesday morning, take care, Dx

p.s. got your email, trip to post-office imminent.