Thursday, March 11, 2010

Riding the rollercoaster

Ok so the Nitrazepam and Clonazepam are helping me to get a couple of hours most nights. This is better than nothing

Mood is still all over place. Last nigt I went cycling at 2.30am down into town and by the trent. Like the stillness of the water. Got spooked by some drunk though and went home. Uphill sadly which I regretted later. still i am getting pretty fit with all the cycling, running and dancing the highs are bringing me. However tried to go gym the other day and collpsed. I forgot I hadn't eaten for over 24 hours and was trying to run 10k. I am not a fit person generally but I get these ideas in my head and get over enthusiastic about it.

On tuesday, I had my fourth and penultimate Work focused interview. I am easily annoyed at moment. It took ten minutes I explained to her that ESA appeal has put me on real set back and anxiety over it is making things, especially sleep worse.

She said that they have 62 DAYS to get back to me whether they are taking it to appeal or not. They have taken 37 so far so another 25 days to wait. Can't take another 4 weeks of it. And then she said if it goes to appeal it will be six months or so. In which case I may well be back in some form of work or education(hopefully). Welfare rights says she has chased them but they haven't made a decision. They have my care plan. Letter from CC, DLA award. Three page letter from me and letter from my mum as well as advisor chasing. Why can't they just make a decision.

Also considering I got emergency meeting with shrink last friday. Not heard anything from CC til today where she popped in for half an hour and sat playing with my son. Pointless visit really never discussed how doing or anything. I supposed to see shrink this week but no appointment forthcoming.

I have a lot of stuff going on in life at moment which will save for another post.

Its these nights I can't take. tonight I have taken two clonazepam and Nitrazepam and no drowsiness. I feel pacy and feel the need to do anything to get away from racing thoughts. Even cut which I haven't done for long time and not then regularly.
I don't know - I'm thinking Lithium might be way forward as these moods could be death of me or end me back in hospital which is as bad as dead to me.


Anonymous said...

sounds awful Lareve. I'm worried about you. Doesn't seem as if anyone's taking this seriously enough either.
I went through a simular spot in the summer and, like you, was running 8 miles at night, re-paving the back-yard at dawn etc. Yes it does get you fit and it feels as if you're getting stuff done but the longer you go without sleep, the more things get out of control.
If you could only put this ESA crap out of your mind and let someone else deal with it, things might ease off. 6 months is an absurd amount of time to wait. Let's hope they make a decision before it goes that far. They must be really back-logged where you live. It's bad enough here - but not that bad.
Wish i knew what to suggest re. the sleep because you really, really need some. You will run yourelf ragged soon and the last thing you need is to be back in hospital. Get that appointment and explain what's been happening. Lithium might be worth a shot. Do you think it might be a bit of a rebound from coming off your previus meds (I seem to remember you mentioning something about that a while ago). I've always viewed the pills as a last resort but sometimes we have to intervene before someone else butts in and leaves us no choice.
Please take care.

David said...

Ditto Kate. Also, I have always found that the much vaunted 'exercise' sends me higher. I think MH ground-work-staff get muddled between depression and mania.

What works best for me, if I can muster the will to do it, is to force myself to lie still in a darkened room, just allowing the brain to take its course, but not allowing oneself to leap up and do something different. If you make a bet with the manic beastie - I won't crack before you, I guarantee you'll do it. Well. It works for me. But be warned - it can take hours and hours.

Take care me dear - and as for those fuckers at the ESA - get yourself to the CAB pronto - they might be able to speed things through.


trio said...

Sounds like things are hard at the moment. Hate how they mess people around with ESA! Hope that is sorted soon!