Saturday, June 12, 2010

The crap that no-one wants to step in (No picture attached)

I could say I was struggling here. But struggling doesn't cut it really. It's more passive than that. I have lost the will to struggle, I am drowning. I know I am but there is almost a calm aceptance of this. No resistance.

I am in some kind of hell, since my Mental Health Act assesment,

What happened was I spent the whole of last weekend unable to eat, sleep, wash, leave bed or talk really. All I wanted was for them to leave the house so I could use my noose or some pills or something to end the torment. Crisis rang, but I was unable to put in words my distress. then this week happened:-

I packed my son off to my mums. Intending to kill myself. Except I sat for a few hours looking at the rope, and all I could see was my little boys face and how he was three on thursday and needed me there. So I decided I would live to see him turn three. However the intrusive thoughts got stronger so I knew I needed support. I tried ringing my care co-ordinator who wouldn't answer. So I figured it was due to the dispute over confidentiality. So I rang the MH team and asked for Duty worker, I spoke to someone who said I had to speak to A- my CC. I sent A several texts but no reply. I took some clonaz which helped little. approx four hours later she text saying no longer wished to act as my CC and need to speak to duty worker. I was pretty desperate by this stage and with no support rang crisis, who told me they could do nothing as they do out-of-hours calls only. I took more sleeping tablets and managed to blot the thoughts and day away. I had asked for support all day
none was fothcoming. I was suffering paranoia over leaving house so A and E not option.

Someone from team comes round explains A will have nothing more to do with me. Not to contact her. Doesn't know when will get new CC. Says can contact duty worker. I explained this got me no where . He claims I never rang anyone. This leaves me feeling like the crap that no one wants to step in. Come to realisation even workers don't think I am worth helping. feelings of guilt, lead me to ring suicide line. I text CC to say I will make contact with GP as no support offered. No reply. Late tuesday get call saying someone will come see me on friday to take over CC role.

Wednesday- Heavily sedate myself and cry all day. Screaming, crying wanting to get out my own skin. Cursing my family and son for providing me with the guilt and reason to go on.

Son turns three. I made it. I manage to put on clothes and drive to park where I hide in car and toilets crying whilst husband, takes son on ride. Come home. Can't sleep. Wonder why CC can't even tell me, or answer phone to tell me she doesn't wants to work with me.

Friday- have son at home. New worker tries to call. I don't have energy or feel strong enough to speak to stranger. Mum comes and takes son to hers. I want to kill myself- give in- I feel relief. Nothing lefft to sedate these feelings. I decide to do it. but new worker comes round I answer door. She seems ok but don't have strength to let someone into my life. I explain that things won't get better, can't get better and I've given up fight. I explain that I was pretty low but CC refusal to at least work with me until new worker came along. My lack of support for week following MHA assesment and to do usual handover dual visit has intensified things. She tells me CC refuses to make contact. After she leaves mum brings son home.Husband gets in and I go bed.

Saturday (today) -
Wake up , receive letter from CC. Explaining that she can't work with me as I refuse to be honest and undermine her at every opportunity. See I knew I was bad and worthless. I try and write some kind of response. But extremeley upset.a Do explain that I don't want a new CC as they are never there when needed Feel like I am being kicked whilst down. And sink even lower. I am poison, everyone who comes into contact can see it no one wants to be around me. I am the crap that lingers on the sidewalk to be stepped around until some poor soul is lumbered with its disposal.

And that is where I am at now. I made it to see my son turn three. But I am too tired to soldier on. I have a plan now. It can't take effect until tuesday or this wednesday as I am not alone until that time. This is not illness talking it is a rational solution to a complex problem. I can't really write more because it may be read and used against me. But how hard the next few days will be.

And Atos want me to attend medical on monday, CC was supposed to attend that but is another thing she now is unable to do. No one can go with me. I can't go alone. And well it won't matter anyway. I wont live to see that benefit stopped. No one wants to live to be penniless- so its another nail.

P.S- Thank you for comments on previous posts which I read but am unable to reply to at present.


Kate said...

I know you'll hate this but my last resort suggestion is that you go (voluntarily) to hospital for a while just to keep safe.
2ndly. I think we live reasonably nearby — within an hour or so distance, i know you don't know me but I'd happily zoom down and come with you to your atos bullshit (a bit of forewarning as i'd need to find childcare). Contact medical services and ask for it to be postponed (I did for myself). Let me know if i can help.

La-reve said...

Thanks Kate

I don't hate you

Thank you for the kind suggestion. But I can't face ATOS again. even with someone with me.
I just don't care anymore. though if I am feeling logical on monday I may postpone.

Hospital. would be a slow death to me.

Ruby Tuesday said...

I don't think that you are poison, or crap or any of the other things that you're calling yourself. You sound like you're in so much pain though. Please think about postponing the appt with Atos if that's going to cause you more distress. And I hope that you change your mind about your plan - is there someone you can trust nearby who can help you get through this, if you don't want to go into hospital? take care x

David said...

I'm sorry you feel so awful at the moment, La-reve. Try to keep going - all this shit will pass - it's only shit surrounding you - remember that. Postpone, I'll add another vote for that. As for your CC - that is treating a patient like shit. Angry on your behalf.

Kids - sometimes they are lifelines, no-matter how much one resents them for being so. Give it time and you'll feel glad for them being there.

I'm sending you a big dose of good luck and a parcel of it'll-pass. Cos it will. Just keep going. Dx

fine fine fine said...

Hi La reve. I don't think I've commented here before but just had to send you some (((hugs))) after reading this post. You are obviously really struggling, not helped by your cc and stupid atos. I hope that you can postpone your medical and that your cmht can find a way to treat you well as you deserve. Sorry that this is coming from a stranger but it is meant with kindness x

differentlysane said...

{{{hugs}}} - I know they won't make any real difference but I'm sending them anyway.

Sounds like your old CC is acting in a completely unprofessional way.

I too vote for postponing the medical - either which way it'll keep your options open.

I wish I could offer something constuctive...

I know you don't want to right now, but please take care,

D said...

Your former CC comes across as a completely unprofessional and spiteful person who really shouldn't be working around people with serious mental health issues who can be and often are pretty indecisive and inconsistent precisely because they're unwell.

Seems your ex CC is unhappy with that and you having a point of view as she's just projecting her frustrations and feelings on to you .

What's even more worrying is that local services seem to be going along with her ' management by personality ' crap as if you somehow have to agree with her every word and be her best friend or something.

Blot out your name and post the letter. Fuck them. They don't have any right to confidentiality but they do have a clear Duty of Care to you and if word gets out that they are bullying patients who are already desperately struggling to cope they'll soon mend their ways .

As for the ATOS thing , postpone for now if you can't cope with it and big respect to Kate for offering to accompany you as that's real practical help in an age when for all the 1 in 4 mantras and trendy 'Mad not Bad' t-shirts , real help's generally a bit thin on the ground.

And yeah, I know depression's the pits but just try to ride it out and if you can stop being so hard on yourself.

intothesystem said...

I am sorry because I really don't know what to say, but I want to say something.

I also think you should phone Atos and explain that someone was meant to go with you and they now can't.

I hope you can get some more support. Your old CC sounds like she is being very unsupportive. I hope the CMHT manage to sort something else out fast!