Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Pretence and NHS tape

So low. I can't cry. So low I can't sleep. So low I have struggled to write these lines. So low ........

And yet I try so damn hard to keep up the pretence to be alright. It physically hurts me each time I have to force my face into a smile. Each time I have to answer that question with 'fine thanks' because thats all they want to hear. I'm not sure which is worse the depression or the pretence.

Behind the pretence there is reality. I am broken, beyond repair - everything -Mental health services, people, medication - it has stuck me together in the wrong order and the tape was cheap I am forever coming unstuck. (NHS resources not allowing for superglue). They can stick on more tape, rebuild and remodel me again but they know as I do there is no hope left.

I just want some energy to escape it all. I have decided to stop my meds cold turkey-no point taking meds- they are a solution to life. I don't want to be around so meds don't matter. And maybe my mood will lift off them.
x

5 comments:

sanabituranima said...

*hugs* It's your choice whether to take meds or not, but cold-turkey rather than gradual can have some unpleasant effecst.

NOS said...

I'm worried La Reve. Because I care. Be careful with your meds. Be careful with yourself. You are valuable.

Wishing you well,
NOS

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