Saturday, February 12, 2011

Fear

I realised tonight how unreal my life is I mean all these mental health act assesments 10 in two years its not 'normal' most people will never be assessed under mental health act, I remember masked amhp saying most people with my diagnosis will never be admitted or assessed and here I am with an average of one every 2/3 months. this isn't normal, I have seen shrink at least every 4 weeks for 3 years and crisis know me I have been arrested on S.136 4 or 5 times I lose count and I have been purseued by police unknown number but a lot and the A&E visits. this is not normal its not a normal life its not even an average bipolar life its just screwed up.

I am scared of it all now I'm scared of that cell, that terrible little cell how panicked and scared I felt there of being locked with know watch no way of knowing the time that stretched on endlessly. scred of never being let out. I'm scared everytime I hear a police care or ambulance I think this for me and I am very scared of those wards those endless nights those people. I am scared of disclosure of ever saying anything to anyone of anything.

And so the one without fear who would walk into roughest areas early hours, who would jump from hghest buildings, walk in traffic finds something she is afraid of.

3 comments:

sanabituranima said...

*hugs* You are very, very ill. I am angry and worried about the way the police treated you. You are not a criminal.

I hope you can find some proper help and some stability soon. Remember that even very sick people get better.

Pandora said...

I can only echo sanabituramina's comments. You deserve a million times better than this, lovely. I hope Prof can help you to find it.

Many hugs and much love

Pan xxx

Purplesapho said...

I remember that I replied to you in twitter the other day saying that a sick person couldn't promise not to do the things you have. I was surprised when you replied that you weren't sick. Because to me, it's very clear that you are.

In my last post I took Pandora's idea to take the depression severity scale questionnaries. I got moderate to severe scores and my partner got very severe ones. Today we went around making random family members take the same tests and we were surprised that the people without illness were getting really low scores. We wondered, do people really live like that? Without this thougths and shit?

Now your situation is even more severe than that of many mentally ill people. It is. This is not what life is supposed to be Lareve.