Friday, February 11, 2011

Desensitised

Two blog post in one day is first in while but need distraction

So on earlier post, Purplesapho made comment that I talk about things like being pulled into car and being trapped in that little cell with the shit on wall, like its insignificant.

Ok, I don't know why I do that except to me this sort of action if you like has become part of my life. It is traumatic and it is I guess dramatic but it is almost normality to me. I guess that is a bit sad that I am desensitised to it all. I dont feel I am ill or that I put myself at risk I dont think the things I do or that are done to me are any different to what everyone does. And because I dont see risk or have fear and becaue even if there were risks, the risk of injury to myself or death is one I am not too bothered with. I see risk for others and would never hurt anyone, unless in defense but I don't think anything can harm me.

Secondly, I guess perhaps somewhere I have detatched myself, it is not me this happens to but a third party. Having this alias helps, that is la-reve life that is la-reve behaviour not really me. And then I see people online who are struggling too and there pain seems greater than mine and i think I don't have the right to be traumatised to care, to feel hard done by. And so I am humbled.

Similarly I guess wen police ring my mum or husband and say they have me or I have tried to do X they are no longer surprised or upset because they think one day they will face that call and visit to say I wont be coming home,ever.

Sorry- that is depressing. but wanted to explain.

6 comments:

Pandora said...

I know it's fucking trite as hell, but I'm glad that things are so crap, even though I'm really, really glad that you're still with us.

I've never been under a section, mercifully, but I DI understand that some "traumatic" issues become easily normalised. I wish it weren't so. You deserve better than that. x

Pandora said...

Christ! Sorry! I am NOT glad that things are so crap! I mean than I'm really glad you're still alive, but got mixed up in what I was saying.

Sorry lovely. I'm really, really glad you're still here. Sorry for sounding like a total knob. xxx

La-reve said...

Thanks Panora

I rememebr being very traumatised my first MHA assesment now after having 10th they really dont phase me, or maybe arrogant and know they wont section me. It isn't normal for 'normal' peoplebu am not nomal whaevr that is. thanks for comment. x

Purplesapho said...

Hope I didn't upset you with my comment. It was more like a general wonder on why these horrible things that happen can ever be normalized, while at the same time I understand because I do the same thing.

I remember I used to have a friend who made histrionic comments of everything that happened to her (which was normal young adult life stuff), while I related my horrible mental occurrences with a flat tone of "I'm tying up my shoelaces" if I ever talked about it, which was pretty much never.

I guess I got upset that all of this was happening to you and that there wasn't much anyone could do about it except for commenting, reading and wishing you well.

I also believe I truly have no reason to complain when I read blogs like yours, where someone can go through so much stuff.

I AM very glad to read more from you and I'm just sad these things become so normal that it gets hard to imagine how you actually deserve to have a healthy normal life. Because you do. In a way it is just adaptative that you'd desensitize to it to survive

Take care La-reve

Intothesystem said...

It's funny. I also noticed the way you talk about it all as if it is normal every day stuff or even as if it wasn't real. I guess that is your mind's way of making it unreal to you. I'm sorry that you have had to go through all this and that it has become normal to you.

I do the same thing too although my experiences have not been anywhere near as traumatic as yours. I talk about mental illnesses, suicide and psychiatrists as if they are everyday things to friends and stuff and forget they are shocked and uncomfortable about it, because I am so used to that experience.

sanabituranima said...

*hugs*