Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A lost cause.

Ok- I will warn people this post is a bit macabre, so if my writing offends you, and you are going to criticise me for it again, just dont read it please.

A week ago I wrote that post. I won’t link to it mainly because I don’t know how, but you know the one. A week ago in an hour or so I walked to that bridge, but timed it wrong panicked, saw my boy's pic, rang crisis- went home after walking about for hours. A week ago I worried you all and a week tomorrow night I was arrested under the mental health act, and locked away in the cell with the unidentified brown stains for all those hours.

And here I am. I am alive and if I did not know better, and could read it back here. I would think I imagined it all...

I have had no contact from services other than the meeting with Prof on Friday. Was I discharged from crisis? When is CC seeing me next? Am I ever going to get a care plan? Who knows.

When I was in the cells last week all I kept thinking was how my mum and husband would be upset and angry. But husband doesn’t seem concerned he said crisis rang him on Friday I think to tell him to encourage me to take my meds. But he hasn’t. And mum she didn’t even seem concerned or worried, she has not even been to see me until today. Something my husband said to me struck me and is on theme with last post. He said this is how I am, it’s not shocking anymore. He says there is no point in planning anything past this month. He says he just worries that every time he gets a call from police it is will be the one that tells him I’m dead this time.

This is something Prof said to me on Friday that ‘this just keeps going on and on and one day La-reve will be dead.’

This is something my husband has accepted, this is something my mum has accepted. And I can only assume by services lack of input at any time but particularly even after Prof made clear I was still in crisis is because they know it too. What is the point in wasting money on a lost-cause. They, everyone is waiting for that message, that call to say this is finished.

And then there are you, whoever you are reading this. I rather think you too must see how inevitable this is. I do, today a lady from welfare rights rang to ask if I wanted to continue to appeal the ESA on the basis I should be in support group and wont be able to attend work focused interviews. I just said no. What does it matter? money is no good to me. I am not fit for work, but I am not fit for ANYTHING.

And so I have received criticism for broadcasting what I did last week but it was just to say goodbye. I didn’t want help, although I am appreciative of the thought and caring of those that got it me, and those who wrote such nice comments. But, no-one can help me now. There has only ever been this one course and each attempt, each diversion I learn to do things slightly differently and the end gets nearer. So the only thing I can do to make this easier on everyone is distance myself, prepare and succumb. I don't mean this to be so depressing, I don't want to cause concern. I don't know myself anymore. Maybe I'm not invincible, but I am tired, and I am ready for the inevitable.


sanabituranima said...


There are no lost causes.

Remember why you didn't jump off that bridge.Remember your little boy.

Pandora said...

You may not be surprised to learn that I don't agree that you're a 'lost cause'; I think you're a lovely person, in terrible pain, that is not being taken seriously by the health service.

You didn't and don't deserve any criticism for the post last week. None of us wanted you to kill yourself, obviously, and yes, we were terribly worried. But if you had done it, of course we'd have rather had the 'goodbye' than not.

At the end of the day, I'm little more than a stranger, and it is not my place to make judgements on your decisions, thoughts and future. I know that I would like you to remain alive, but perhaps that's selfish of me. But I seriously believe that you deserve to live - not exist in the shit circumstances in which you're currently in, but to actually live. To be content, or at least less sick.

I have no idea if that's obtainable, but I just wanted you to know that you deserve it. We do care about you out here in the ether; that's not a statement intended to send you on a guilt-trip, just an acknowledgement.

Anyway, I'm writing a pile of useless faff - I'm sorry. But I'm thinking of you.

Pan <3 xxxxx

mememe said...

You aren't a lost cause. You have been and are being, badly let down. Can you call proff's secretary. He seems to be on your side. Ihave no idea why services aren't supporting you, but it isn't your fault. Am so sorry x

intothesystem said...

I agree with Pan about not deserving criticism for your post. If you had succeeded we would have been glad that there had been some form of closure on your blog - to just have it hanging would be somewhat strange. I'd always wonder what had happened to you.

I also agree with mememe that Prof seems to be the one you need to reach out to, because he seems the most willing to help. His secretary may be able to get him to call you. I do hope you can get more help.

All that said, your post strikes a few chords with me. It is something I have thought about a lot. I may get through one episode of depression, but I always fear there is another around the corner and will that be the one that does it. Sometimes suicide does seem like the inevitable outcome, but at the moment I truly hope it is not. My partner is also aware of this, but as yet he still fights against it. I fear the day when he gives up completely.

Please don't give up though. There is still hope. You aren't a lost cause. xx

Bippidee said...

You know that I think you are far from a lost cause. I think you need to get stable on the right medication, and I still think that could take hospital, as I think it is too difficult for you to take your meds regularly yourself. I certainly don't think suicide is the inevitable outcome. I think that if you were able to find the right meds and take them regularly your life could change completely, and you could do some of the things you have wanted to do. And be there to watch your son grow up. I know how hard it is at the moment, but it doesn't always need to be like this. I really think it is important that you go and see your psych on Friday and are completely honest with him about everything, as I think it is going to take complete honesty to get the help you need. But you are not a lost cause. xxx

NOS said...

I think there's a huge difference between having your family accept the possibility of you killing yourself and having them want you to kill yourself. They are "accepting" it because it's a defense mechanism-- they know they can't control you so they try to make themselves feel stronger than they are. NO ONE WANTS YOU DEAD. I hope you can hear that.

Wishing you well,

Differently Sane said...

{{{hugs}}} just wanted to let you know I understand what it's like when it feels that services have given up on you.

Such a shame that even your Prof couldn't fix things as far as complaining was concerned.

You're not a lost cause, as long as your living there is always hope. Wish I could do something to make things easier/better.

Take care,

liz said...

i dont know where you are but in my area we have a mental health forum with advocates who would help put pressure on services so you get a care plan and so they let you know what can be ;provided for you - what you write makes me sad because i would not let anyone i work with get such a poor service.
take care of yourself your little boy needs you, my sons dad killed himself and now he is 17 that still makes him very sad (it happened 12 years ago and we have never got over it ) if you cant live for yourself live for him please. x

Seaneen said...

I've just been discharged. Three years ago, my boyfriend refused to make plans for our future because he thought I'd be dead anyway- he didn't expect me to recover, he saw my suicide as something completely inevitable. I did, too.

What I'm saying is, there are no lost causes. You certainly aren't one. You're bright, funny and have a family who love you. I think you are being seriously let down by the mental health services, though, and you should definitely go to your shrink appointment. I think whoever mentioned advocacy has a point. I also agree with Bip that hospital is an option but I know you've had traumatic experiences there.

You were not always ill- remember that. You very unfortunately had that, "Oh shit" bipolar onset after pregnancy, which can be very severe. But you may not always be ill, either. There was a time before this and there will be a time after. Please, hold on. We're all here for you. xxx

Rufty said...

Hi La Reve,
I'm so sorry you find yourself so isolated. I know I don't have the words to help the way I wish I could.
I'd implore you not to give up, but I know sometimes that just doesn't seem to be a 'choice' at all.
For what it's worth I googled Notts mental health. Although I know the likelihood is that you've trawled the net for available and viable help I'll leave this with you:


There's a list of mental health services/advocates in the area - bothe state-run, private and voluntary.

Alternatively I found a voluntary service called Amity Project -support for folk with mental health problems- to which you can refer yourself. Their telephone no is: 01159539880 or email:amity@lha-afra.org.uk. I don't know much about them at all, but I thought maybe, just maybe they may offer a spark of hope..

Sorry if you've already gone down these routes, but humour me - it's the only thing I could think to do for you.

Re. Hubby: I'm sure he sees the severity of your problems (as far as you let him see) and I can only imagine he just really doesn't know what to do for the best...Perhaps his terror at the thought of being responsible for that one wrong word/action/reaction that may tip you over the edge and hasten your demise has rooted him to the spot, unable to reach out to you. Maybe his coping mechanism prevents him from saving you from yours..I don't know, I'm whittering.
Perhaps for your Mum a similar thing is happening....it just seems so cruel that when you need your loved ones most the horror of it all sends them scuttling into avoidance mode. Cruel, but maybe understandable when seen in the context of the "inevitable" (your words, for I do not think it's inevitable) loss of a cherished and loved one.
As Diff' said, you're not a lost cause as long as you're alive. And as Bip' said honesty is crucial.
It takes courage to reach out again, I know, but...oh I hope you do.
Holding onto hope for you.
Strength & Courage, mel.

butterflywings said...

I don't know what to say, but I agree with the others - you're not a lost cause, and you don't deserve criticism for writing what you felt like writing on *your* blog.
Am thirding the suggestion of advocacy.
You won't always feel this way. Please talk to someone.

Purplesapho said...

I don't think you're a lost cause either. I agree with someone above who said this is a defense mechanism for them. My partner has said the same to me, paraphrasing, that sometimes she doesn't know how to plan or look into the future or even feel for me because she's afraid that one of these days I will be gone for good. Now, most people aren't as eloquent as she can be, or even be conscious of this effect in their minds. My point is that this is about their fears, not about you. By no means this is them saying you're a lost cause.