Saturday, February 19, 2011

Taking responsibility

Ok so I seemed to have sunk back into depression here. You know no motivation, feel worthless, selfish, self-absorbed even evil.

Yesterday I saw Prof, he was late, about an hour which is ok, because he is late because he believes in giving patients as long as they need- its just that it was so hard to go and be out among people. I did get to see him though and I was there an hour an half again.

I told him about my feeling that nobody or anything can help, that me beng dead either as a means to test my invincibility and not meaning to be dead, or through actually getting to carry out the suicide plan is inevitable. He said without treatment then yes it is ineviatble or extremely likely but if I could just stay safe long enough to get the meds in my system they 'might' work and I could have my life back, the productive one. But the thing is I dont believe it and I am tired of trying.

I haven't been taking my meds as I should do I was prescribed Valproate and Lamotrigine a month ago I think. But I knew Lamotrigine takes 3 weeks to work and valproate is immediate and leaves me slightly depressed so in stupid slightly high mood fashion I decided I would only take Lamotrigine and then after 3 weeks I would take valproate so that it could coincide and avoid the dip/enjoy my high. Except the high nearly killed me as if Ali and Bip would't have got me police I would be floating down the Trent now. Although that sounds appealing at the moment. Anyhow I have taken nothing for last week and I told prof I wont take meds.

Services have not contacted me at all since my mental health act assesment and being detained last thurs under S.136. Prof said crisis did discharge me even tho cc not here this week til wed (I didn't know this) and to make things even more hilarious they discharged on the say so of a student nurse who was working at CMHT. Prof was not happy he said he will speak to cc manager and he will refer me back to crisis. But he wont I have had no call off crisis and he talks big and acts small. After criticising the CMHT and crisis team and saying my case should be a priority he then said I don't need them, and hospital is inappropriate. I'm confused. He did say that 'when' I die the Trust will be in a lot of shit, afer all 10 MHA assesments in 2years should be enough to get treatment right. Note he said 'when'. He also asked if he could take my notes to board of directors as training issue re incompetent staff.

Anyhow back to meds. After discussing with a friend online. I realise I have to take responsibility for my current state. I mean yes services are incompetent and negligent etc but I am lucky to have prof, he said he wont give up on me,I can see him as much as I like ( and I genreally see him once a fortnight) he always gives me 1,2 even 3 hours and he never looks at a watch or clock. He is patient but all he has is meds and I can't bring myself to take them. I tried to work out why and here is my conclusion.

1. I don't want to have Bipolar disorder I don't always believe I do have it(usually during highs), or I believe in varying degrees. When you don't think you have something it is difficult to take the corresponding meds.

2. By taking the meds I am confirming that I am ill, that I can't control this alone.

3. I think I will be dead soon anyhow, whats the point in taking meds and having side effects for last few days/weeks.

4. I do genuniely forget a lot.

5. I have tried lots of meds and they haven't helped before.

6. I really struggle to physically swallow them, particularly valporate which are huge though this is prob psycholigical due to above points.

Ok and then there is something. Scott tells me I am this way because I am evil. I am not ill and the pills wont work or aren't real. Scott talks to me from my TV (he doesn;t want me to discuss this at all, so can't elaborate)

Prof gave me another appointment for a fortnight and said if I am alive by then I should attend and he will try and persuade me to take meds again. Sigh. Til then I'm alone.

So there you go I am to blame for my situation, I am to blame for continuing to divert treatment, because I'm not sure I deserve to be treated/am ill. I digress
And when I die I will be totally responsible.


Ruby Tuesday said...

I think there's a difference in taking responsibility and blaming yourself. Take responsibility (in my eyes) means looking at the things that you can control, that you can manage and yes, maybe looking at things that you've done wrong and could do better. But blame seems to be more about judegement and beating yourself up and you really don't need to be doing that to yourself.

please take care xx

werehorse said...

I agree with Ruby, I don't like the word "blame".

I wish I could send you my psychologist, he's good at sorting thoughts out. And I'm not particularly pro meds, though I take mine at the moment, but they might help, isn't it worth a try? It must be so exhausting to go on the way you do, and I think it's a testament to your strength and your love for your son that you are still here.

Take care xx

sanabituranima said...

I agree with what Ruby and warehorse said. *hugs*

Prof is a good guy. I really hope you can mange to take some meds that help.

Could your husband help remind/persuade you to take them?

Anonymous said...

About time you took responsbility for your pathetic life. You choose to live and behave this way, no one is to blame for that. How can people like you ever be helped?