Thursday, February 10, 2011

Thanks, apologies, I'm fine and what happened

I want to delete that last post I'm ashamed of what I wrote and how I worried people. But I can't because at the same time I am completely overwhelmed that people cared enough to worry , to comment and to check for my welfare. I can not begin to thank you and reading it now maked thing easier to cope with,

When I wrote on the 8th I had intended to die that night. I had it planned I walked the one and half hours to the bridge I stood there. my notes to family ready. wind behind me water stretching further than I could see like perfect black perspex, inpenetrable. But as I took my phone out to leave on the side to prove I had jumped I caught site of my screensaver. My son.

I suddenly thought if I can die, I'm taking away his mummy, perhaps his chance of happy childhood. In a panic I rang crisis, I got H, an excellent worker, she was so kind she chatted to me for ages, getting concerned as she heard someone throw a bottle at me, guiding me to safer roads. she rang me back when I hung up several times lost for words. I eventually got off the phone to her about 2am. I then walked and walked. along the main road so that cars had to swerve to miss me, just daring them to hit me to drive through me. I walked up to a rough part of Nottingham again. And as I walked up a car stopped the man got out and tried to pull me towards the car. I cut him with my scalpe in my pocket. He got back in car, left me. I dont know what happened after. I got back about 10ish. I took clonaz and lost most of yesterday. I did want to come on here and say hey, I'm alive or delete last post.

But I had made up my mind that I had to go back, this time with the courage to show everyone, just how powerful I am. so how could I come on say everything is all right knowing the plan was still very much real. Bit like saying hello again, goodbye again. Had I read the comments I would have tried to but didnt read anything yesterday. Too busy churning my head building up courage.

However, throughout yesterday I got calls from concerned online friends. I spoke to Bippidee on the way out last night. about 11pm. We had good chat. But after an hour I found myself back on the bridge, and I had to say a 'hey, got to go, lets all chat and laugh about this tommorow.' I stood there an hour or so, freezing cold. I made my way to a new ideal secluded bit lmost like a peir I walked the edge, almost toppling ther and then and I smiled, so powerful so perfect so free.

But then Bippidee called me back. She wanted to know where I was. I tried to rellay her fears, but she knew what I was about to do. I kept trying to get her off the phone. Sobbing at one point. I couldn't let her hear that would be unfair, but she kept making me hold on, frustratingly so.

Next thing police came. I got down, they told me to come to the car for a chat and then they put me on a section 136. I was taken to 136 suite but it was closed/had no more beds. So I was taken to the awful holding cells, I had been two years previous.

I was made to strip down, I was confiscated of hairbobble coat all belongings, and my wedding rings I had not taken off since hubby put them on wedding day were calously yanked off. They found my sharp scapel in pocket my plan B. they seemed concerned about this.

I was then taken to a cell, It was 6 foot by 6 foot of floor space. On the wall was the word 'shit' in an unidentifiable brown stuff. Just a hard concrete slab to rest on. I was there from 2am until 1pm. pacing that tiny square 3 steps x 3 steps. 12 steps I walked a hundred maybe thousand times , so confused. Not understanding why I had been brought there, Wishing I hadnt picked up to Bippidee in instinct had left phone and jumped. wishing I had ran from police. So in this tiny shitty room I was left for 11 hours, no blanket, freezing cold. Confused and scared

I was finally assessed about 1pm. I walked in to a sea of strange faces. A french psychaitrist, two social workers, a social work student, a gp , crisis team member. And I was assessed they asked me what happened I said I had no intention to hurt myself, that I had just been out for a walk. That Bippidee and co, who had got me help were confused because I had a plan on the 8th but was now perfectly fine - I even managed a distorted smile. and well, they will only ever hear what they want to hear. basically I was told I didnt need hospital, and that they didn't see how they could support me, they asked if I knew how they could I was confused I said I didn't know what I wanted. Upshot is I was sent home, with warning from the social worker to not cry wolf because one of these days I will really need help :-/ I am supposed to be seeing prof tommorow although I have just spoke to CC and she not contacted him yet, even though she said she would two days before. Crisis team going to discharge me back to cc care tommorow. CC who doesnt give a shit.She is supposed to be bringing meds to me today but she says she cant she on duty. she offered for me to drive and pick them but I am too confused to dare risk driving, not driven in days.she says she will try and get crisis to bring htem to me tommorow or I can get them next week. but I dont hink I should skip them like this :(

And that is that.
All that is left to say is sorry for the concern I caused, I just wanted to say goodbye I think I owe you that much. But maybe not good idea??

Thanks for caring, for contacting police for wanting me to get help. 11 hours in a shit cell prob not the help you envisaged but hey, take whats going.



intothesystem said...

Good to hear you are okay, but I am disappointed in the police and the people assessing you. Surely they must see that you are not okay and you need their support. I cannot believe they sent you home and crisis are going to discharge you. It makes my blood boil.

I am glad the picture of your little boy made you pause for thought though. I hope you can keep him in mind.

Stay safe and take care. xx

mememe said...

Only just catching up, so glad that you are still here. Am appalled though at the assessment. I hope you can keep looking at your screensaver. (((hugs))) x

Pandora said...

I am so glad that you're alive. We'd all have been devastated if you had died :(((

Having said that, I'm so sorry that you're still suffering, and that things were handled so badly by the police and crisis team. You deserve, and need, better than that.

Hugs to you, La Reve. I hope your son and husband can somehow help you to keep going.


Pan <3 xxx

My Black Fog said...

I'm so glad that your alright. But just like everyone else commenting I'm just appalled at the lack of care you received. (Would they have treated you like that if you were their daughter??)
I have,... and probobly most of the people on here,... have been there. I have attempted suicide 6 times in the past 15 years so I know where your head was/is at. So don't feel ashamed (as you stated in twitter)This is the disease's behaviour ~ not you. And I know how powerful that can be.
We are all just so glad you are still with us.
We will continue to follow you and support you and help you the best we can as we know the next little while will be a struggle.
((((( hugs )))))

Karita said...

My God. I'm so sorry that they were so shit. But I'm so relieved you didn't die. I don't know what to say other than to offer my support in whatever way I can. Just shout.


sanabituranima said...

Very glad you're alive *hugs*

Crisis team sound incompetent. Crying wolf indeed...

waseen said...

glad you're alive and take care

Differently Sane said...

Glad to here you're "ok", crisis team et al are a bunch of idiots, and yes they will always only hear exactly what they want to...

{{{hugs}}} be kind to yourself.

Take care,

Purplesapho said...

I'm appalled at the horrible things that keep happening to you, and something that gets me, if you don't mind me saying, is that you report them like you were talking about anything else insignificant. Someone tried to get you in their car... then you were put in a mini cell for 11 hours... These things shouldn't happen to people, much less sick people needing help. I am sorry I keep commenting like I was mad at something, it's not at you. It's at the world if you let me put it that way.

I don't think it's safe that you keep getting discharged, and I don't think you're crying wolf. The wolf is righ there, it's real and dangerous. I guess you already know this.

Take care lareve

Cassie said...

I'm glad to hear you're alive, though being held in a cell sounds like a very unpleasant experience.

It's appalling the social worker commented that you're 'crying wolf', you're obviously struggling and DO need help.