Monday, February 7, 2011

Tornado and police helicopters

I feel my life is a bit of a whirlwind/tornado at the moment. I'm not sure if the tornado is in my head or I am the tornado but it feels so very out of control.

Crisis never visited me yesterday. I rang them at 6.30 very angry, woman who spoke to was patronising kept saying 'yes' and 'yes, I understand' to everything and when I screamed 'no you dont' she said 'I do, I've been doing this for years, and talked to lots of people like you'. Stupid Bitch. Ok, I was prob very angry and irritable but she didn't help. I told her that if I was ill enough to be fofered admission I was ill enough to need some support. She did seem to grasp that.

Anyhow the thoughts got bad again last night. So I rang night crisis again. Spoke to S a man there, told him I couldnt take these thoughts needed calm, that no one was helping me and he asked where I was. Wandering around 'a particularly rough part of Nottingham' , had bougt sharper scalpel. He just said would ring cc today and 'enjoy the walk.' And I did enjoy the walk I walked for miles, lots of miles 12 or so. I don;t know why people think walking at 2.3 am is dangerous it felt really refreshing. And I decided to have sit down in main road. I always thought wouldn't it be great, and when you are without any sortof fear like now you can do these thing. So I did. Only one taxi was on road it drove around me. I'm not sure why I did it. Maybe I wanted to be hit, Maybe I wanted to prove it would just pass over me/through me. I don't know I cant explain it, I cant even rationalise it to me


So today, having not slept again I got a call to say crisis would be coming with cc at 12 lunch. I got panicked and rang cc told her I didn't want to be seen. Like Bip said there is nothing these people can do, a chat cant change things. Can it? and I don;t know what I want help with. I don't mind the thoughts if they could slow a bit and just make up there mind if I can or cant die, want help/want to die etc. she said they would come still.

So they came. Except cc didnt, I saw L from crisis outside hanging about for 15 mins. He eventually came in, without cc. I told him basically what had happened. He said that there had been police helicopters after me last night. worried. I don't know why this is. It makes me feel very guilty, I guess they must cost a lot. And when I had spoke to crisis the man didnt seem concerned about my wandering. furthermore, I had my mobile, crisis and police have my number they rang on it before. Had they rang I would have told them where i was , I wasn't in hiding. I had heard copter above head, but no car stopped me etc. strange.


I lost where I am.. Ok so we waited and no cc, she eventaully showed up at 12:50 said she had gone to wrong house.?? she said she only had five mins as had to go. Crisis filled her in on story and they have decided I am to see her tommorow and maybe crisis again wednesday. Cc didnt see point of crisis being involved, but L from their team seemed to be concerned.

So now, I still have this tornado still AM this tornado,unable to make ecisions unable to sit still. destructive. and yet it is that time of month again when the storm has to break, and I don't know how. An hour ago I rang CC I told her I was getting back to place been last few nights. I told her there was good chance I might not make appointment. She jsut changed appointment from the morning until the afternoon. to 'allow me to make that decisison'. she thinks its time I decided the way out of this. even at one point, I said part of me thinks hospital is wise, she said 'no home treatment team in place now' so she wants to avoid it and she will email prof about me.

zoom, whoosh zoom ,goes my head...my life..my chaotic life... Why is it all so dramatic? If I was a film you would never believe it.

3 comments:

Lucida said...

GoodGod woman - what a farce! It would be funny if it wasn't so awful and things weren't so desperate.All I can think to say is that I really really hope this stops very soon and your head calms down. It seems like 'help' is just stirring the shit even more.
Are you taking the Lamotrigine? I did find my head was a bit screwed up and was very hyper for the first couple of weeks on it, although that may have just been the way i was anyway since they start you on a very low dose to begin with.
I can't think what else to say other than the 'look after yourself blah blah'.. Let's just try and pin it on the time of year and hold out for the Spring. xx

sanabituranima said...

*hugs*

My Black Fog said...

Oh dear,... what can I say? I'm reading all these blogs and everyone seems to be at a crisis point at the moment (Is it a full moon,...??) including myself.
And no one seems to be getting the care and support they require.
Whats going on?