The Scarlet Pimpernel

I guess I've been like the Scarlet pimpernel recently. Flighty. I've had my reasons.

Firstly, when things are hard it sometimes does me no good to write or read such negative things, because sometimes you have to strip it back. Life - back to very bascis of survival. Just existing takes all the energy. Suriviving from what you may ask?. Myself my own mind and the self distruct. I had to work out what was right and wrong. I had to work out a reason for being .

Hence me deleting this and vanishing a while.

And there is another darker reason I wont discuss here because I feel some subjects some theory and events that I'm sure will be deemed psychotic are a bit taboo even on a mental health blog.

By being here I feel like I am putting people at risk. I dont mean to do bad things or hurt people but I do.


Tommorow I am due to see Prof. I saw him two weeks ago. I have seen no one since. I have not seen cc for over 3 weeks and I have had crisis visit, been to A&E and detained on 136 in that time and not had even a phone call. I dont know why I right this. I dont expect anything from her. I think it is starting to show the horror in my head. - people look and see but pretend they cant (Oh dear I wasnt going to go into this)


Anyhow I have missed you all I did a little bit or lurking, but too sared to dip more than a toe in

You see you can never escape the terror in ones head,
Once the truth is revealed
Once you know the course
And you chose to ignore instead.

I know my moods shift but I really seem stuck now. Did I ever feel happy, good. hyper?? doesnt seem so which is why I reinstated blog, to search for some sign. there are some happy posts here. But they were a long time ago, and very few. Only ever treading water, gtting tired, very tired.