Friday, August 12, 2011

Birthdays and weekends

My blog is 3 - or it was on 8th, can you believe it the 8th I started my blog - 8 again, I cant escape 8 I know it probably seems obsessive but it is more than a coincidence that things always happen on the 8th even befor eI realised the pattern, i,e I didnt deliberately start it on the 8th.

I cant believe 3 years ago I was relatively normal, 3 years ago, seems a long time ago.

I dont think things are going well today, I stopped the meds too soon, I never meant to stop them completely but I ran out of meds wednesday and waiting to hear from CC. and now it is friday pm , so its too late, and I have no benzos.

Last night I spent most of it rocking and hitting the side of my head because I felt so like I needed to peel my skin away to open my head up, I don't know. and yet I know I'm causing this, thinking myself into these states.

I bought a record player on monday, I think and soem vinyls.. I like watchign it go round and round, as well as auditory its visually pleasing but I kept playing it on loop and its blown up :-(

I dont know how I can get through this weekend. I dont feel good. I feel energetic but I feel its consiming me - I'm like a puppet on a string I sometimes dont recognise my limbs moving about.

I'm supposed to go to MDF group tommorow but I will prob make a show of myself. Again.

I will be alright, I must be. I have to be..its the weekend.

1 comment:

Differently Sane said...

{{{{hugs}}}} sounds like you're having a really hard time at the moment. Unfortunately I can offer you nothing useful but I'm thinking of you.

Take care,