Sunday, August 7, 2011

How do you see yourselves?

I have a question to ask of anyone who can answer this.

Do you ever read back what you write on your blogs/if you blog...or I guess even if it is a paper diary you keep.?

You see that is the main purpose of me keeping this blog so ~i can look back so I can try and recognise patterns in my mood, see how my moods manifest themselves.

Only...

It can be quite embarassing and shocking just reading into a few pages on my blog. Nessa commented on last post I needed to read back. I reluctantly did. and I guess it told me what I already knew....I coem across as unwell. You see if you ask me I will never class myself as 'ill' not even now do I consider I have ever been, and now when I think back on all those assesments and chaos at the beginning of the year, I think, and indeed I have said to people over last week 'It wasn't all that bad really, just a little silliness'. But in cold hard print its difficult to continue to deceive myself.

You see I do read a lot of blogs, and it worrys me to think of your pain and issues, it keeps me up and keeps me wanting to do anything to help their writers in any way I can. I can see people as being unwell, I can see how 'ill' they are, how dangeerous their behaviour. I think everyone is so much more unwell than me. I feel like I have no right to complain, (not that it's a who is illest competition- which I have issues with, and is another blog post altogether)

So I was wondering how other people view themselves when reading back posts written at times of so called 'crisis'. Maybe its a defense mechanism that I forget or delude myself, but is that helpful??

8 comments:

Narky said...

It's not just you, honey. I do it myself and am currently doing it. I think it can be dangerous to do this though, can make us come off our meds or stop taking care of ourselves because we think there is nothing to take care of.

You were seriously ill and I knew this at the time, the way you see it in other people now.

Ellie said...

I rarely read back my blog and always try to make it a possitive thing but I know if I go and read back to times of "crisis" I know I will see the ramblings of a "ill" person but thanks for making me think.
One of the things I really try not to do is put what I'm feeling like doing in my blog because that would be very unkind and even out of order to my readers. So thanks

chaosandcontrol said...

Nope, you're not the only one. I don't remember much from when I was unwell. Part of my is grateful that I'm spared all the details. However, it would also be quite useful to remember the details so as to avoid going back and repeating the mistakes of the past.

Sometimes I go through and read the archives of my blog. It makes me cringe with, I don't know what it is. Shame? Embarrassment? Either way, it helps me to do all the things necessary to stay well.

Pandora said...

I do this all the time. Sometimes it doesn't come across in my blog because I'm so indignant about how I was treated by the NHS, and know objectively that I was pretty unwell - but it feels like I'm just an attention-seeking butch a lot of the time. I know I'm not, but just don't always feel it, if you know what I mean.

For a while, I used to read my blog archives for exactly the reasons you do. In particular, it's why I write so extensively on therapy. But I've got out of the habit now, probably because I'm relatively well at the minute, and don't want to be reminded of how terrible things were for a long time. Possibly I'm scared of being triggered?

Anyhow, as Narky says, you were very sick for some time, but even though we could see it, I can totally understand why you didn't. With the mentalism comes the self-doubt, I suppose.

Take care xxx

Peter said...

I do find that when I reread my ramblings they don't always make sense, or that things have not changed.

anickdaler said...

I tend to avoid my archives, they're just too upsetting. But it's fascinating to follow other peoples and see how far they've come. I think it's always hard to judge objectively how ill we ourselves are, even if other people can see it clearly.

Seaneen said...

I don't read my blog back, full time.

Seaneen said...

Full stop I meant!