Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Wednesday.

I am struggling with sleep at moment - 2 hours last night and none the night before. However, worry not people- tonight despite the fact I seem to be coping I am goign to use my stash of Benzos to give myself rest.

The med withdrawal is making me feel a little wired i think, but I'm sure it will be fine once my body gets used to the decrease and then the absence of the chemicals.

I am getting sick of the riots, I was supposed to meet a blogging friend today which I ahd to cancel because of it and shops in my city are still closed. Last night I decided I needed to go and reason with the youths out rioting in my city. I drove down to where I heard things were kicking off .

I parked up beside them and wound the window down. I asked them why they were there, and they told me to *%4k off. I tried to make them see what they were doing and the result of their actions, they got a bit agressive. I offered them £20 each to go home, but it was quite sad they didnt listen to me at all, instead they started to pick up bricks and throw them at my car, one missed and one hit the car causing a bit of a dint/scratch. I drove home, I must have only been out 20 minutes. I feel a bit defeated by it all. I guess you cant help everyone. They continues to make mayhem through the night.

I want to thank everyone for the comments on the last post. After speaking to a few people on twitter who seemed concerned. I will point out that my team are aware of my med withdrawal, they are aware of my theory on the munchausen/factitous disorder, they have not tried to return my money today so I have to assume they are using it for their servcie as requested. I am not sayign that I am 100% sure its a munchausen thing but it is a large possibility at the moment. Prof is not aware of my theory however, and as they do not liase well I have sent him the following letter:

Dear Professor

Thank you for seeing me on Friday and discussing with me at length my diagnosed illness and how it may affect me withdrawing off medication and in the long term getting pregnant. I will point out that I am very grateful for the time you give me in our appointments and for the non-judgemental consistent help you have offered me over the last 11 months.

However, on perusing the internet I have come across something which I think explains my erratic behaviours. I believe that my diagnosis is wrong, I do not believe I meet the criteria for bipolar disorder and indeed any personality disorder. I think what I do have is a factitious disorder I’m sure I don’t need to explain to you what that is. I must admit I have never wanted attention, hospital appointments etc, but I think it is possible that in trying to originally understand my illness, my knowledge may have manifested its self in symptoms subconsciously.

I am very very sorry, to have wasted your time on this fantasy I didn’t purposely set out to do such. I am withdrawing off my meds currently down to 1000mg valproate and 100mg Lamotrigine I hope to be off medication by next week as I do not think there are any risks because I do not think there is anything to treat, well perhaps not medically.

I feel sickened about the time and money I have wasted getting ‘help’ so much so that today I saw CC I have explained above to her and that I do not want to see anyone from services, she agrees that is appropriate as I have already wasted enough money and time. She urged me to keep the review appointment on 16th September I will and I will apologise to you then which I therefore anticipate to be our last meeting.

I have given CC £1000 today to give to her manager to cover some of their costs in helping me it is not enough but I will get more to them over next week or so I would love to pay you your costs back but I don’t think I will be able to get enough credit to pay consultant fees and I hope my apology is some recompense.


La reve


I sent this yesterday, I know he only really has friday clinic. I hope he wont be too angry with me.


On another note, I have been thinking for a while about a business opportunity and I have an appoitnment with the bank nxt week to see how it could be financed. I can't really talk about the idea, because I dont want it to be stolen ;-)


On a further , further note...I woke at 5am this morning to some squeaking and my girl cat has had 5 babies. very cute..will post a pic soon.


LR.x

6 comments:

mentalpoliticalparent said...

Lareve

ok so I'm not the queen of insight myself but you are flying- just flying. I hope your pysch reads your letter soon and I wish he could see your blog. I am so worried about you, please don't reduce the meds anymore- you're doing it too quick far too quick (I speak as someone who dumped a cocktail of 6 overnight in January).

I'm not sure of you have a husband or partner but I hope you have "someone else at home" as the profession are wont to call it.

Oh and don't got to the bank, just don't.

Zoe
Xxx

Lucida said...

Listen you. Do not DO NOT go out and involve yourself in any way with rioters. You were (stupidly) brave and acting from noble reasons I'm sure but you cannot, MUST NOT even approach let alone try to reason with them. They are not open to reason, nor payment to quit and it is not your calling to go out and offer it. All you are doing is putting yourself at extreme risk here. Where's the good in that?
I'm going to put it bluntly, as a friend, that the very fact that you did that indicates that your insight is slipping and that you need to GET A GRIP, for your own sake.
Whatever the diagnoses and whether or not you agree with it, you have evidently experienced periods of severre illness that could not or cannot go untreated, by one means or another. I have no opinion on whether or not you should be coming off medication - although it does sound as if you might be doing it too quickly. -that's your business and hopefully you will continue to get support with that whatever you choose. Please don't cut yourself off from help and support. If you feel the need to pay for it then do so if that eases your conscience. Think of the consequences of slipping back again - e.g potential hospitalisation
I'm sorry if this doesn't sound particularly supportive but on reading this I can't help but see the signs again.
But whatever. DO NOT GO OUT TO TACKLE/HELP/BARGAIN with rioters. That is just asking for trouble and I'm sure you must know that.
I'm thinking about you and am concerned.x

werehorse said...

La-reve, I've just done a brief read up online on factitious disorders and part of the diagnostic criteria is that symptoms are created/claimed *intentionally*, *deliberately*, *consciously*. You weren't doing that, so you can't have had a factitious disorder. Besides, if you did, I think you would have been welcoming hospital admissions not avoiding them at all costs!


I do understand the self-doubt - having just done some reading I'm questioning myself! But whatever you think about your bipolar diagnosis, you clearly can't have the other.

Take care xxx

mememe said...

am worried, very worried, hope your psych responds x

Peter said...

I don't think the bank realy care about your business venture, just as long as they can make loads of money.
In the same way you can not reason with the rioters.

Out of chaos comes new life, and so I hope your new babies are doing fine.

La-reve said...

Zoe-
Not sure it sould change anythign anyone reading my blog. I certainly dont feel liek I'm flying. Yes I have a husband at home.I dont see bank until tues, I am trying to get plan together is difficult.

Lucida-
Thanks for your concern and comment, hopefully our chat has eased worry. There were no rioters out on street last night, so I didnt tackle anyone. Didnt get on any planes a t the airport either.
Yes- without doubt I do nto want to end up in hospital but I dont think that will happen especially now I have given them an alternative diagnosis.


Werehorse-
thankyou for your considered commet as always. You are not the first to say that it cant be factitious as not deliberate. but what if I was deluded myself and it was subconscious. I am confused.

mememe-
Please dont be worried, I am safe and fine. I'm not sure prof will respond- maybe he wont want to see me having wasted his time

Peter-
banks are self-serving but I have a very good idea they wont resist ;-)