Thursday, September 1, 2011

Its ok now...its was all ok

I decided not to go back on meds after all

The lamotrigine would need to be titrated and it would be too slow . the valproate works on the highs and I dont feel high- so pointless. Just being weak due to doubting myself over husbands betrayal.

Anyhow I am FINE

I have to be

Other things have gone off I dont want to blog about as some RL people come here. But I am in process of undoing mistakes

Things got bad last week, needless to say I woke up several hours later with a broken noose and a very dizzy day- You know your fat when you snap a noose. (When they said the meds would save my life, I didnt think they meant by making me too fat/heavy to hang)

..when will I learn I just CANT die..its not my destiny at all. Imortality

and this week I feel good, bought all new kitchen appliances (It made me feel good thats all and a kindle (another so I can read 2 books at once)and lots of pretty stationary

and the Best News of recent times (well anything would be better)

On 23rd Spetember I am being discharged from Mental Health Services.

It is when my review is, and my care co-ordinator whom I spoke to today says I dont need them anymore. Hurrah!!

2 years 5 months and there is a way out

I guess I am recovered as I was never ill or needed services, just to accept who I am..what I am....and what I must do...


la said...


La-reve said...

Im sorry if something I wrote has caused offence. I didnt mean it to. I do write like shit your right.

la said...

I'm sorry, La-reve. I hope I didn't upset you. I don't think you write like shit!

I got quite angry reading this post last night. Not angry at you, but angry...

You say you're fine, but you don't seem fine to me at all (and that's not a criticism, it's a concern.)

I think people who try to hang themselves and who black out and don't remember are very not fine.

I'm not angry at *you*, but I care and worry about you and a post like this stirs up a lot of strong feelings...

Why do you think you will be discharged on the 23rd? Is that the day you see your prof?

La-reve, if I had my way, you'd see him this afternoon! And I feel angry at your care team because they seem so incompetent as to be uncaring.

But maybe that's not fair? Maybe you're wonderful at deceiving them? Not that I think you're lying per se, but I think you're lying to yourself and in denial.

I have an image of you - I don't know if it's correct - as always nicely dressed and appearing calm and collected. Maybe they're busy, they come in, you make them a cup of tea and they see that you're wearing matching shoes and decide everything's OK?

I'm sorry, I really don't want to upset you or make anything worse. I'm just very, very worried about you and I worry more when you say not to worry, everything's fine.

I wish I could watch over you and keep you safe, but I'm just a reader, not an angel. Whatever you do, however you feel, please keep blogging and tweeting. Don't disappear xx

la said...

I should say also that I admire you a lot. You're coping with so much, but in some ways it seems you're actually coping really, unbelievably well. I have no idea how you do it and I'm in awe.

La-reve said...

How am I coping well??..i am a master of pretence true, but I cant go on like it...I do dress well, and your image is somewhat accurate, but I am always honest, they know what I do,- crisis and the riot and the money etc. they know off meds.. and it was cc who told me yesterdsy that is my discharge date.

Thank you for your concern it means and has always meant a lot. sorry if I got on the defensive last night was a bad night.

LR x

la said...

Look how well you look after your son. You might say you do it because you're his mother and you have to, but a lot of people in similar situations simply would not be able to do what you do.

I don't think you appreciate how strong you are.

No need to apologise, no need at all. I hope tonight will be calmer for you xx