Friday, September 2, 2011

another chaotic night

Last night wasnt good

I couldnt slow down or unjumble my thoughts, I decided to go out,

Drove to River Trent, drove down bank so as all I had to do was to drop handbrake


I cant die, i wanted to die I neede to but couldnt ..rmember the hanging incident..there was a sevurity guard at local football ground and am sure he would have played hero...and then if i dont die, people get punished.thats how it works you see. Last week I didnt all the floods in the US and then back in march the Tsunami,. I was very confused and I decided to cut my head open to relieve pressure..wanted to cut piece of skull, but it would only cut through scalp. I pondered going to A&E maybe something to calm me, but wouldnt go there, so rang night Crisis.

I tried to explain, but it got jumbled managed to explain who I was, where and why..they told me they were calling the police and asking them to put me on a S.136..I paniced and imagined the 6ft box with the shit everywhere.

So I drove off along the bank...they sent a police helicopter and car and I was made to go to the hospital..when I went before I was 136.

In hospital took them ages to see me, kept pacing, kept singing I dont know..eventually saw shrink and Crisis, rest is hazy remember shattering polestirine cups into fake snow shower. Remebr telling them everything, hanging etc..he asked what help I wanted I said nothing, nothing worng not ill.he told me I shouldnt have drove etc..

Now this is confusing cos Im sure they left and told me I could go I went but when I got home 2 police officers where there telling me I needed to go back..I refused and they waited outside my house for 2 hours, they said they were ringing my husband (yh that will help). it was 7am by then and not been asleep now.

Anyhow cc rang me this morning, says cant understand was fine on phone to her..said I am lying either today or before, and that if dont want support why ring crisis? which is question, but I just wanted benzo really. anyhow she says will refere me to the crisis team, as no doubt I will ring them anyhow, they are going to ring me tommorow and visit if need and then she will review situation on monday.

I feel very silly about it all, and I hope it doesnt effect my discharge, cc says it wont.


Narky said...

Well, it SHOULD affect your discharge. If they discharge you now they're incompetent and neglectful. How can you think you're ready to be discharged?

Honey, you're seriously ill, like you were before. You need to take meds.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I care about you and want to see you well again.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Narky, you really shouldn't be discharged if you're feeling like this. Sorry. You've gone through a lot recently and clearly still need some help. I know it's hard to accept but look at what other people see even if you can't see it yourself.

Lucida said...

Christ this is awful. I really don't know what to say. I know you're having a rough time at the moment but you really do need to look out for yourself and your son. I think I'd agree with the others and suggest that meds would be a good option right now. I know that valproate is shit and causes weight gain but lamotrigine is much better and has far rewer side effects. The titration is a pain and mostly has anti-depressant effects at low dose, it does work on curbing the highs/mixed states after a certain time too (yeah, I know I'm not the best advert but it really has helped me other than making my memory/concentration bad). Benzos and some times the nasty antipsychotics helped in small doses until i got up to the therapeeutic dose . I would hate to see you in hospital but i think discharge would be a bad idea for the time being. Your CC sounds absolutely f**king useless and negligent. I know you want free of services but I'm sure you know that the only way to acheive this is to be complient to some extent and find something that helps keep you balanced. Keep going my dear and look after that wee boy of yours. If you need any advice on the practical stuff (dreaded benefits etc.) then you know where I am. I'm not great with emotional support (especially over the phone), but I can at least help with the former - altho probably not a priority at the moment. Lots of love x

Pandora said...

I agree with all the others, pet. If they discharge you, they are useless, negligent cunts, and you deserve a fuckload better than that.

I don't really know what else to say, except that I'm so sorry things are so shit right now, and that you're very much in my thoughts.

Please take care, lovely lady.

Much love

Pan <3 xxx

Anonymous said...

Totally agree with the others. Your CPN and team are completely incompetent and I am disgusted that you are being treated this way.

I agree that you need to be on meds and that they need to do something to support you in the meantime whilst the lamotrigine is being titrated.

Hold in there xx

Anonymous said...

just to say to all the people criticising the MH service- there are two sides to every story!