I have reopened my blog temporarily in lots of ways I am paranoid about who reads here in think services have found it, and others.
Anyhow there is somethibng cathartic about sharing the thoughts in my head. On september 10 In was detained under section 2 of the mental health act and I am officially discharged next monday. I want to talk about suicide and such related themes so consider that a warning to read no further, should it trigger.
I have often had suicidal thoughts, thoughts that I cant go on cycling from mood to mood and thoughts that I am evil and it would be better for me and everyone if I killed myself. I have gotten near to death too many times and in many ways I have been a ticking timebomb for much of last few years, but my closest brush with death happened during my recent incarceration.
I deeply believed I was evil during admission if I remember correctly(its hard to remember when I am that ill/hospitalised). Also I couldn't and still cant believe I had been sectioned it was assesment number 14 and I thought there was no way I would ever hear those words that would take away my freedom. I hate hospital even if it was a new hospital with single ensuite rooms. Anyhow I think 2/3 weeks into incarceration I decided I was going to kill myself. I was on a psych ward but there were several ligature points I had noted and swung off so knew took my weight. I knew exactly how to tie a noose, that had been googled, practised and perfected months ago. I had my bed sheet.
So I waited until early hours when the 3 night staff were in the office and I took one of the chairs tied the noose placed it around my neck tied it to the ligature point and kicked away the chair. As I hung there im not sure what was going through my head, relief mostly but a little panic. I decided to kiss the picture of my son on my mobile and rooted around, all the time the cotton tugging around my neck. Seeing my son must have triggered something maybe I changed my mind. I try to say help, shout but its impossible to get out much sound when you have the weight of your body around your neck. I managed to get into last text which was the ward number sent to my husband and to ring the ward. I didnt get out more than a groan but somehow the staff came running and although its a blur I remember someone saying pull the alarm, me falling off a chair and a Dr coming to check if I had neck damage. I didnt. staff have since told me I was blue didnt communicate for a while tried to get up there second time (was stopped). They also tell me its the first time they have seen a body swinging as its not a female method (female ward) and nobody has spotted that ligature point.
Anyhow I am home now all but official discharge but it hit me today how close things were. I mean what if I had done that at home no one would have found me in time. Even on the wards there is so many small things that could have made it more permenant.
1. I could have dropped/not had my phone
2. My phone could have lost charge/signal
3. The ward could have been engaged
4. They could have thought the grunt I gave was a pervert ringing
All of the above are quite likely things that could have prevented me being found.
Being back with my son and seeing what 6.5 weeks away from him has done makes me happy I was saved and am alive, there was something that made me want to change my mind, and the thing to remember is sometimes there are no second chances. Should I choose one of my chosen more unusually male/dangerous methods,-females tend to overdose or self harm in someway apparently. Im not sure I am ever 100% suicidal (Im alive) if there is even 1 or 2% of me that wants to be alive that part might be screaming too late, how horrible would it be to be hanging with no help, to be freefalling having changed your mind but knowing you would hit ground/water soon- I kind of know it would be the scariest thing you can imagine. Thats a thought to hold on to