Sunday, August 17, 2008

The call, and that sunday night feeling

Well got the call from 'crisis' team I was expecting at about 9:30 this morning. Was usual questions that I had anticipated, think I must have sounded bit off as the nurse that rang said could tell I'm not feeling very talkative. Well I think he regretted that as then went into rant about don't see the point that I feel let down by mental health services and why is someone available to talk to me now but not when I was at hospital. Told him that I believe more tragedys like the article I posted about the man who hung himself will be repeated as nothing seems to have changed. I also said for an acute service I now have more contact with workers in CMHT than I did when under 'crisis' team's care which considering their service should be at a higher level is quite bizare.

He got bit defensive then and said help is in place for me and I need to be patient. Having waited a year to get a diagnosis then I feel I have been, but am obviously being the ungrateful patient again. With regards to the CBT I am scheduled to be assessed for tommorow. The Nurse from 'crisis' has told me that because I have attempted suicide then it is liekly I will be assessed as not being ready for this and so am unlikely to be offered these sessions. This has left me bit annoyed, as I have been sold on the miracles of CBT for past months and now that has been pulled from underneath me. it also leaves me with the question if I'm not ready for CBT then what help can I be offered as meds don't seem to be effective.

Went to see my mum this afternoon who in process of breaking up with partner needed shoulder to cry on. Wasn't sure how to handle this. She told me she blames herself for my depression due to bad childhood I had. She says sometimes she wants to go to sleep and not wake up. This left me feeling guilty and not really knowing how to help her, hard when I can't even help myself. My mum doesn't know about my suicide attempt or previous attempts and I feel this is for the best as she can't really help and she is not an emptionally strong person and I would only feel guilty if she ended up with breakdown or something.

No one really knows how low I feel at times, and having to put on a brave face for people makes it worse. Spent last five days telling people the mark from the hosiptal tests on my arm was a routine blood thryoid test. But that's why I have my blog mostly so I can rant and talk to someone without burdening them or upsetting those close to me.

CBT assessment tommorow though unlikely to be deemed suitable. Will post experiences when back :)

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