Monday, August 18, 2008

Up at 3.00am again

Well no longer have any benzos left and I can tell because unable to relax enough to sleep. Have tried relaxation CD and classical music but nothing. Watching rubbish on TV. Have also got stomach cramps. if this continues tommorow will go to doctors as could be side effect of overdose not that they can do anything about it now. Also the thought is if I did collapse as result of overdose etc, no one would know why as no-one is aware that I took those paracetamol. Not sure if this is good or not.

Its just frustrating not being able to sleep will ask for something from Psychiatrist on tuesday. Also sunday night tends to be bad because thought of another week of struggling to get by day to day. Feel like am stuck in groundhog day of even groundhog week.


mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi Lareve

Sorry haven't commented for a few days but have read what has been going on.

Did you manage to get any sleep in the end, last night, this morning?

My friend hit the bottle last night and was paying the price for it this morning. Writing this because you said you met a friend and was on the juice. I don't judge. People feel the need to let loose. I gave the drink up a few year's ago because I can't control myself when I drink...nor control how much I drink and I hate how I feel the morning after.

And I do relate to your frustrations with MH staff. What you wrote about venting with the Crisis Team member and them going all defensive. Perhaps they took your comments personally. My care co-ordinator does that. I have noticed how her ego gets damaged at times by what I say. Comes to something when you have to worry about the feelings of care professionals when you are struggling to live with how you feel yourself. Personal view of cours.

MH staff are human beings but they have a care responsibility and that should be the priority, providing the right care and at the times needed. The Crisis Team I had would change the times they turned up and when they did, they were of no help at all. 10 minutes of being asked about medication and stuff that I found irrelevant didn't help me at all. I was relieved when they went.

Then again I know I am not a good little puppy. I question things too much. Some people are simply grateful for anything.

At present, I can't really see the point of my care co-ordinator coming to see me because there is no pozzie movement to report back that she can feel good about and I know that she can't do anything for me. She is here just to monitor me. C'est la vie.

Anyway, hoping today's assessment helps you in some way. Will be thinking of you.

Lareve said...

Hey thanks for the post

No didn't get any sleep. Yeah I don't usually drink myself but did provide an escape from everything for couple of hours. though not going to be something I repeat, an alcohol addiction is not another problem I need even if it does provide some release.

I saw one CPN from crisis for several weeks who was really good. But the thing that was bizare is that she would threaten to section me and then wouldnt hear from her for week or so. Also made me promise to ring them if was particularly suicidal which I did but no one was ever available or someone would call me back four hours later (where the point in that)

With regards to upsetting MH staff I think they must be able to see the flaws in the system them self or they are more deluded then the poeple they are trying to help. I am also perhaps a bit too quetioning and 'ungrateful' for their liking -but oh well!

Not holding out much hope for CBT. Most I can hope for at mo is good nights sleep hopefully persuade shrink to give me more benzos or will resort to black market!