Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A Shrink, A Health visitor and life

Well had okish couple of days. Saw Psychiatrist yesterday who is very nice, and seemed concerned about me. Though she advised me not to continue blogging or reading others blogs as it will bring me down. (or educate me on the ways of uk MH services) She has increased my meds again - thinks this is max they can give me now. Also i have been allowed some sleeping tablets(hooray!) not benzo though have agreed to try different ones but can have temazapam back if they don;' work. this has made me feel slightly better as sleep was getting big problem recently.

This morning saw health visitor she said need to work really hard to stay out of hospital as chances are if new meds don't give me vast improvement or I try and pull myself together then may have to go in hospital to try some of that strong S*!t that they can only give you in there also if I have another overdose then my care is going to be taken out of my hands (i.e I will most prob be sectioned) This is not a thought I cherish - as am a person who thrives on being in control and wouldn't want treatment etc forced upon me but also I can't guarantee I won't be back in that scary place where can't contorl my feelings and death itself seems appealing.

Don't feel my life has much focus at moment - no work, no goals etc. but hard to plan for future when present is so bleak and who knows how long it will be before the fog lifts, if it ever does.

Got to go work tommorow to see their occupational therapist regarding my five month sick period. Last time I went there I was told I had made mistake being signed off and if only I had stayed working I wouldn't have felt suicidal. I accept I am far from good employee at moment but if I'm told that tommorow won't be responsible for my actions. (can see claim for incapacity benefit and all that crap looming) Will also pick up prescription for new sleeping tablets hopefully tonight last night of struggling to get sleep.


mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi Lareve

You have alot going on there, at present.

And my advice on long term is put it in pending file at present...only suggestion though so feel free to ignore me... and look at trying to ease things, with support of MH staff, for the here and now. I know is easier said than done but I have a friend that tries to solve all her problems in one go everyday and goes round in ever decreasing circles. They can't help themselves and I understand why they do it but I say to them do little bits at a time and maybe things will fall into place more gently. And maybe that is just me wishful thinking. lols

I also understand why your psychiatrist says to avoid blogland. It can be overwhelming at times. I know cos when I am manic, I over do it flitting from blog to blog and it adds to my mania. Then again if I wasn't manic on blogland, I'd most probably be manic somewhere else.

Perhaps is best to pace yourself on it, particularly when you get all anxty... And if that sounds patronising tell me to shut up.

Personally, I find blogland really supportive in the main and even when people don't agree with me, they still care for me and so that is an over-riding factor. The care is there.

Good luck with the sleepers. You really do need quality sleep. x

mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi again Lareve

Noticed you haven't posted here for a few days.

Hope things are tolerable for you.


Lareve said...

Hi Mandy

Thanks for concern, have been ok just took break from blogging to try and get my head together. Have been flitting round blogland though reading everyone elses problems etc which I think puts my own in perspective.

Read you had a varied few days hope your not as manic as the other day and got the choc or other comfort you needed ;)



mandy lifeboats appeal said...

Hi again Lareve

Taking time out from posting can be good. Sometimes you need to reflect on things rather than get it all out there and sometimes it is a matter of having some space for yourself to do other things.