Tuesday, September 30, 2008

There's a change a coming.

Had a day off blogging because didn't feel I had anything worthwile to write and emotions difficult to deal with and control at moment, and didn't want to turn this into a one woman crusade against the world.

Yesterday saw care co-cordinator , not much to report. She says she wants me to see shrink because I came of meds and not 'allowed' to come of them cold turkey. Struggling to get the term 'allowed' out of my head. Am I 'allowed' to make decisions for myself? , am I 'allowed' to think I know my own body and mind and illness best. Obviously I am not 'allowed' perhaps was a slip of tongue but words should have been chosen more carefully.

I am seeing my shrink tommorow. That is the reason for my anxiety tonight and the knowledge I won't be able to sleep ,as thoughts racing round in my head. My Shrink is actually nice, a woman (which is fairly unusual) and I have been told by CC she is the best one they have on CMHT. I am nervous about tommorow for several reasons. Firstly, how can you not be anxious about seeing a person who has the power to potentially take aware your liberty and ability to make choices for yourself based on personal judgement. Secondly, The CC has hinted to me that she believes I am in a manic phase, and that it is either caused by coming of meds, or by the original diagnosis being wrong. I know what she is hinting at there. I do not believe I am manic. But based on one womans view, tonight I am Lareve a woman coming out of a depressive episode. Tommorow I could be Lareve, a person with a long term mental illness in midst of a particular cycle. As I have wrote before I don't want to be labelled, but inevitably will be.

What do I therefore do I wonder. Do I play the good puppy and accept whatever diagnosis, and therefore meds I am thrown? Do I feign perfect, what they consider normal behaviour? Or do I discharge myself - therefore taking the power back for myself? The fact that I keep being reminded about tomorrows appointment (it has been written by cc twice- and have been rung about it three times including by shrink secretary today) must mean they really want to see me, so may not be 'allowed' third option. either that or they think I am unable to retain simple information. I have a good education, including a law degree where I had to remember numerous dates, cases and statutes but somehow unable to retain Wednesday at 10.30!!!!!!

Oh dear, does sound like a bit of a rant again. Don't know what tomorrow will bring. I just want to be normal but haven't quite figured out what 'normal' is yet. What I do know is other people having to protect you from you and pushing brain altering drugs at you is not 'normal'


La-reve said...

And to top it all off got to go CBT straight after Shrink - another pointeless session.

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

When you feel up to it, let me know how the meeting with shrink and CBT went.

To me that would be alot to be taking in in one day.

Then again, getting out of bed is usually my mega achievement. :>)