Sunday, September 28, 2008

WARNING- This is a rant.

It's late .... I'm sat in living room with laptop on knee, I think if I add up the time I spend on net would probably outweigh time spent in real life. Well not exactly, but is a lot of time. I'm a bit off topic because all day I have felt angry. In fact pissed off really. Why? I'm not sure. I just am. I'm angry that I'm up, I'm angry that I'm not doing more with my time than writing this. I'm angry that I can't seem to put simple sentences together, and everytime I read back the comments I leave on other blogs, doesn't sound like someone whose first language is English, yet there was a time, when I studied literature and English is the only language I know.

I'm angry that I've wasted the last six months too depressed to leave the house and do much, and I missed the little summer we have. I'm angry that I took pills that made me worse, and angry that I will be persuaded to take new ones when I see Shrink. I'm angry that I need 'professionals' to decide if I'm well and help me get well. I'm angry that I danced for three hours to new Dance CD and didn't do ironing. I'm angry for feeling angry. And I know that doesn't make sense.

Perhaps I need a pill to curb my anger. Is it just me or do you sometimes think there is a pill for everything. I have a pill to go to sleep, I have a pill to lift my mood, I will prob be prescribed a pill to bring me down. I have pills to ease the congestion from the cold, contraceptive pills, pills for headaches. I have a weird relationship with pills. I hate them and yet when I wanted to kill myself my method was more PILLS????, As I write this part of me wants to collect every pill in the house and flush them away, or put them in a big jar and tie a weight and throw them off a bridge somewhere( like in that old marmite advert) and the other half wants to collect them together and shove them all down my throat- might as well take them all at once and get it over with.

I need a release, from the anger and this feeling I can't put my finger on. I want to dance, I want to bake, I want to do chores ( at this moment I have wash on and have ironing board out), yet part of me would gladly cut off my face, just so I don't have to see it in the mirror anymore. In fact I would probably just stand there laughing, looking in mirror with my knife in hand, before I was bandaged and taken back to my beloved A&E.

Sorry if you are reading this bizare post, but I did warn you- End of rant.


Pink Floyd said...

Anger and depression often go together. It is much better to vent it out than to repress it. If blogging is a good outlet for your anger, keep it up!

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

There is nothing wrong with your use of the English Language. You are really eloquent, and to the point, actually.

Being pissed off goes with the territory. I think I have been pissed of for about 45 years. Ha!

sometimes it motivates me to do things but other times it is a massive hammer to hit myself with. thinking of that song 'Divine Hammer'. Will have to hunt it out for me blog. Is so apt.

Up at obscene hour here as going off to do that booty. If they had told me I had to be there for half past 8 I would have cried off. What a wooss.

Anyway, give it some welly if you need to. It is good to get it out.


La-reve said...

Thanks Pink floyd and Mandy, I've never really been an angry person more of a laid back let everything pass over type. Maybe, that's what caused my probs. I suppose blogging is a safe way to vent but but worried how this post will sound to my care co-ordinator who has address. Oh well.