Friday, October 24, 2008

Last few days have been hard, a lot of soul searching, a lot of appointments and undoubtedly a lot of guilt over being back at hospital again. On wednesday I had CBT. which for once was really useful talked about not letting things build up to the point where I am not able to control my thoughts and actions. Also talked about palnning my free time so I can be doing something useful rather than thinking and procrastinating and feeling worse.

Yesterday I saw the Shrink, again I guess I should feel privelaged. She said that she thinks I MAY be bipolar but not oficialy diagnosed me yet. We talked for about an hour, about the overdose and how what I say is opposite to my actions and why this is. I am the offical master of 'i'm fine, I'm ok and alright'. Didn;t really have any answers other than perhaps comes down to childhood and defense mechanism . I have agreed to start on Depakote which I am a bit aprehensive of, but I said that I will try but if any intolerable side effects then I wont continue. I don't really want meds but I can't go on this way and I do want to seem like I am co-operating with the services. I will pick up prescription later.

Since yesterday it has really hit home that agian I could have not been here. This has left me feeling a mixture of guilt and anger, towards myself really. I found out my manager was in A and E when I was admitted, luckily she knows hte situation. work is another issue I need to sort as been off for 6 months now, can I realistically go back??.

If I am Bipolar, is this how my life is going to be from now on? Something I can try to manage but never cure. I don't want to be, I don't want to have a mental illness but then who does. When you're a child you have so many dreams and ambitions none of them involves this. I never said 'mummy when I grow up I want to manic depressive' but I may be anyway. I didn't ask the shrink how long she wanted me on meds, because I know the answer, chances are a long time maybe for life. I have dealt with last year or so because I thought it was a depressive episode I would come out of , put behind me and forget about. That was my glimmer of hope. Now the glimmer has gone.Reality has hit and its harsh, and its crap and its for life.


Mandy said...

Morning Lareve

I would welcome you to the world of Bipolar only I am sure it is a world you don't want to join and I am not a jolly/willing member of it myself.

Also as you are yet to have a definate diagnosis it would be jumping the gun.

Medication...worth a try. Positive side effects might outweigh the negative ones. They might not even have neggy side effects. Trying to stop my experiences clouding things here. Wanting the meds to work for you as I appreciate the long term concerns you have, in amongst the soul searching.

If only there was an off button eh? Where the chundling could be bought to a standstill..even for a short while.

My positive is that I am up before midday and not feeling as slaughtered as I did yesterday x

La-reve said...

Thanks Mandy

I got some sleep last night so positive start for us both, heres hoping a tolerable day for us both ahead.

eccedentesiat said...

Hey you,

Sorry things are bad, but glad you felt able to admit to the OD etc to the team.

Not much use myself, just thinking of you x