Last few days have been hard, a lot of soul searching, a lot of appointments and undoubtedly a lot of guilt over being back at hospital again. On wednesday I had CBT. which for once was really useful talked about not letting things build up to the point where I am not able to control my thoughts and actions. Also talked about palnning my free time so I can be doing something useful rather than thinking and procrastinating and feeling worse.

Yesterday I saw the Shrink, again I guess I should feel privelaged. She said that she thinks I MAY be bipolar but not oficialy diagnosed me yet. We talked for about an hour, about the overdose and how what I say is opposite to my actions and why this is. I am the offical master of 'i'm fine, I'm ok and alright'. Didn;t really have any answers other than perhaps comes down to childhood and defense mechanism . I have agreed to start on Depakote which I am a bit aprehensive of, but I said that I will try but if any intolerable side effects then I wont continue. I don't really want meds but I can't go on this way and I do want to seem like I am co-operating with the services. I will pick up prescription later.

Since yesterday it has really hit home that agian I could have not been here. This has left me feeling a mixture of guilt and anger, towards myself really. I found out my manager was in A and E when I was admitted, luckily she knows hte situation. work is another issue I need to sort as been off for 6 months now, can I realistically go back??.

If I am Bipolar, is this how my life is going to be from now on? Something I can try to manage but never cure. I don't want to be, I don't want to have a mental illness but then who does. When you're a child you have so many dreams and ambitions none of them involves this. I never said 'mummy when I grow up I want to manic depressive' but I may be anyway. I didn't ask the shrink how long she wanted me on meds, because I know the answer, chances are a long time maybe for life. I have dealt with last year or so because I thought it was a depressive episode I would come out of , put behind me and forget about. That was my glimmer of hope. Now the glimmer has gone.Reality has hit and its harsh, and its crap and its for life.