Friday, December 12, 2008

I'm Sorry

I got some sleep last night 11-7 with two hour awake in middle. This is very good for me, and always follows when so much drugs in system. Today I am feeling pretty ashamed. Ashamed of being that low, of losing control of taking the tablets. I am sorry that my posts have reverted back to this. That I can't post about happy feelings, positive steps and being recovered. Becuase those things are beyond my reach. I am sorry that my posts are only black or shades of grey, because this is all I know and I can only write about what I know.

I didn't go to A&E becuase I couldn't face it. The questions, the waiting, the blood tests and the looks. The looks are the worst. And besides I don't want to be saved, I did the act and will deal with the consequences. I was very ill and drifty at work and not fit to be there at all, but when I got into work late after the OD- I was told leaving to go A&E could mean being let go for absence, but at least I have clung onto my job, though I'm not sure if it's sustainable. I have stomach cramps today but that's all. And the voices to 'take tablets, more tablets' have quietened enough to be overidden.

I am sorry that I worried some of my readers. I am sorry I am not a stronger person, an aspiring person. I almost think I should delete this blog, childhood recollections of being told 'if you not got nothing nice to say don't say anything at all'. But illness isn't nice, depression isn't nice and suicide is definitely not a nice subject. So maybe silence is best

I am to start Quetiapine on tuesday, this time they are bringing it to me. I hope things will be better on that, but having been on Citalopram. Sertraline, Mirtazapine, Depakote, Covulex and temazepam, zopiclone and zolpidem to sleep, with no benefit and just side effects I am sceptic.

****I'm sorry, this post has been more blackness- forget the use of Benzos, to come down of Class A drugs, addicts, should just read here, do you think I would get a good street price?****


crazyasuka said...

I don't think you should delete your blog. I am glad you're safe.

Disillusioned said...

Definitely not delete. I would miss your blog.
Am glad you are OK. Blackness and shades of grey are familiar. At times they lift enough to make you realise what life should be about. Hang on for those moments.

p3bbles said...

Well I am glad you are still posting - Experience tells me that if you were sick after the number of pills you took you should hopefully be OK. You should perhaps see your GP ASAP. I am telling you all this knowing you will take no notice - Try and be safe. keep posting if it helps - I read your posts and I really do for the most part understand how you feel. do not apologise for what you write if people do not like it they have no need to read it. Keep writing and don't apologise.

I don't do hugs as I am avoidant but in your case I am sending a big Hug!

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

Please don't delete your blog. I would miss it and sure others would too.

No need to apologise, to me, anyway. I am relieved to see you posting again.

Have sent you private email because there are things would rather write privately than on here.

Take things as easy as you can.

Norm said...

hey lareve if you delete this blog i'll kill you!

only joking:)

really, people are just glad you're ok and we all hit the real lows at this time of year , know i do , its a constant struggle and there are reasons why we all hurt ourselves in different ways,most of us have been there and done the pick up thing later and its ok

glad you're still here

werehorse said...

Don't delete your blog, and don't apologise - if anyone can know how you feel it must be most of us.

I think the way your work reacted is shocking btw.

Take care x

La-reve said...

Thanks everyone, it means a lot that I have all your support, and understanding. I feel quite emotional about it all, as more support on here than in real life. and if thats not an advert for blogland- what is?

Jessica said...

I'n sorry that I didn't read your blog sooner. I'm glad that you have seek help.
Gosh, my thoughts are with you right now even though I can't expressed myself in words now.

Please don't delete this blog, there is no need to apologise. I'm sure many of us will be with you regardless you being happy or sad ok?

have a good rest and let nature deals itself for the next couple of days.

thinking of you.

Polar Bear said...

It's your blog. You can say whatever the hell you want to say. Don't feel guilty, or bad about it either.

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Hang in there. I know the temptation of the drugs. I know how seductive they can be. It's too easy to give into them. But think about it - in the end, if you do take them and end up in A and E, the problem still remains - your thoughts, your feelings. Nothing goes away, and you have bigger problems to deal with in the end.

Please, resist the temptation. I'm trying too. We can only do our best.

werehorse said...

Hi La-reve, just wondered how you were doing? hope you're ok x