Monday, December 29, 2008

Tommorow is D-day

Last night I suddenly got a burst of energy, I booked a ticket to London spare of the moment, I had an urge to get away, It was a one way ticket. Alas, I didn't go- only because my partner hid my keys, and stole the ticket. I instead was up all night, thinking, and counting. When I have that extra energy I count and make plans. I have written a list of new years resolution . 82 in total, maybe I will share in post soon. Anyway, at moment I have one thought as follows:

Two months ago I decided I wanted to view my med records since I was reffered to the services in May. Back then I was confused, and paranoid - I didn't trust the nurses and social workers and I didn't understand how so much had happened so soon. And I was worried, worried how others viewed me, how THEY viewed me.

Tommorow at 1.30pm I get my wish. I just don't know what to expect really and what I hope to achieve from this. Part of me, the part that I know is paranoid, wants to know what they know what they are thinking, what is wrong with me. To prove to myself that are thinking things that they never say to me, to prove they are out to get me and that they are hiding things from me.

The problem is I really don't think I am ill. I mean deep inside, the logical woman I was, can do the maths. Mood swings + Several suicide attempts + Irrational, uncontrolable thoughts + seven months off sick = ill. But, the other part- the part which blames the symptoms as side effects of meds, that thinks I am just a bit stressed or that things have just been exagerated won't let me see logic. Tommorow, when I see my file in black and white, how will I reconcile the healthy person I see in my head and the person in that file. Yes I am in denial, will tommorow give me the wake up I need or will I fall into deep despair, seeing how ill I've been and losing any hope of being well. I don't know I haven't seen the file.

So tonight I feel a bit like the night before parent's evening at school, I am ready to read my report, only I don't want to ace the tests within. I don't want to score an A I would happily fail the tests - the tests that say I am disorded. The tests that say whatever the result you are a failure.


Disillusioned said...

fwiw, I read my notes (and got copies of them too). I found doing so really empowering, even when some of the things inside them I did not agree with. Remember you have a right to state if you disagree with anything in your notes and to have that recorded with the notes. I think information is a good thing.
Hope it goes well for you.

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

What came first, hun, the symptoms or the meds? That is the simplest way to suss whether the meds are causing the symptoms or not.

When it comes to asking yourself, as I have asked myself, questions about illness.... Whether or am ill or whether it is something else.

The problem is then working out what else it could possibly be.

A what else I am not sure of but perhaps it is more heightened states of comprehension or not enough or reactions to life experiences or not enough savvy to deal with things.

I have come to terms, as best as I can, with an understanding that I have some kind of mental/emotional (or sets of) disorder/s. But that is not to say I don't get times when I think I am well and that my illness has just been a figment of some weird imagination or life game.

Thing is unless you are being influenced by people close to you who are showing the types of behaviour you are writing about or encouraging them in you, I can't see how your symptons don't actually exist within you, as in being part of you. Not explaining this well but sometimes behaviours can be learnt from others and sometimes they are actually coming from within.

Whatever you read tomorrow, the most important thing is that you are more than your symptoms (whatever term they are classified under).


colouredmind said...

Hey, I really really hope that tomorrow goes well, and that seing your notes is not only beneficial but part of a learinig curve so you can se any changes in you since the medicateion. Hope it goes really well. Hannah X

La-reve said...

Thanks for the advice I'm sure there will be a lot of things that I disagree with and may put a note in like you explain.

There is no one close to me influencing me sadly, I don;t know anyone who has mental health problems and the only person who knows about my 'situation' is my partner and a friend, neither who are much help, but don;t encourage any behaviour. So I guess it is inside. I would like to say the meds came before the symptoms but there must have been symptoms for me to be seek help, and be prescribed them (does that make sense).

Thanks for comment, I hope it goes ok too, as can;t be doing with a knock back, will post tomorrow.

Lola Snow said...

Fingers crossed that it goes OK for you. Remember it is not the be all and end all OK? You are still the same person once you know, as before you had the detail.

Lola x