Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Well I read my file, well actually was there 2 hours and a half and only read half of it. I was stopped by my CC witnessing as I was too upset and distressed and it was quite triggering for me. At first I started laughing, then It was upsetting going through all the documents, A&E reports and such and having them analysing personal things like my realtionship with my son. Mostly I can't argue with what was written other than a note saying I presented at A and E drunk, when I don't drink. And a assesment by day care worker who was quite insulting, and said I looked dishevelled and my speech was retarded, whatever that means. I get to view the rest next wednesday,if I think it is a good idea.
I talked with CC afterwards and told her that I don't see things getting better, and the file makes me see how ill I was, but she said that just as quickly as i got ill, I could get better. I think this is unlikely. We also talked about taking responsibility for my care by taking meds and making steps to make 2009 better. I really like CC, we have had our differences but she is really honest and open, and never patronising which I can't stand. she is leaving in a couple of weeks. I will miss her.
I have counted my meds tonight I have 16 Quetiapine. 64 paracetamol, 28 Temazepam., 12 Sertraline. I can't stop the thoughts, I can't stop re-reading those pages in my mind, but I have to control myself, have to have the meds and look but not touch.


Anonymous said...

Nothing has changed. Those pages in the file are all hypothetical constructs. Peoples opinions, people who do not note down the good just the symptoms because you are ill. They don't write about the kind La-reve, the sweet La-reve or the caring La-reve, they don't know you. You still know you and deep down inside you know that nothing has changed from a few peoples opinions in a file about a patient number.

Sit tight, the horror will wear off.

Lola x

La-reve said...

Thanks Lola, you are right, I just have to remember that. x

Anonymous said...

I suspect retarded just means "slow", like when your thinking slows down - something I've had, and something I never realise at the time. S'not bad in itself, just a symptom.

La-reve said...

Hi Simpleharmonicmuddle
Thanks for dropping by, yes that makes sense. I think that would apply.

Disillusioned said...

Yes - they are all just people's perceptions too, filtered through their own situations, their own beliefs, their own roles. Your reality is as valid (more so!) as theirs.

Anonymous said...

The retardation refers to something called psyco motor retardation it affects speach and actions for me mainly movement and quit badly, its probably worth reading on wiki. Im sorry that your CC is leaving soon, but remember reading your notes hasnt changed anything, just made you more informed. Hope that things get better for you. Hannah X

Feathers said...

Think you were brave to read your notes...was thinking myself of looking at mine, overdosed frequently summer, refused treatment, taken in by police (who were nice) but could not face it......

think Lola said something good about they do not know you, just the symptoms whatever, very different from writing about you being kind and caring...the person you are. That is what i would remember if i was you, no matter what they write it is kind of they have to have a label, or a box or so it seems, but the person we are is really so different.

think would take it all too heart too much, what has stopped me from actually going through with it.

Think like you said it was very upsetting for you, although think you were very brave and so on to actually do it, thought about it myself, but feel too ill and depressed at this time, been a bit suicidal thinking, think it would really throw me, especially if i read anything that seemed blunt or whatever.

would like to know somethings, have feeling am being passed from person to person, somehow they do not know what to do with me really, or perhaps it is just their system.

You said in the other comment about not pinning hopes on therapy that is the conclusion have come to myself, not totally convinced about anything now, sorry am negative, but because felt had a hard time with the team so on, as if being passed, even my Doctor sent them a fax saying he was beginning to share my frustrations and felt was being passed around, that the thought even looked up how to see my records then thought no, could not do it, would be too much for me, especially as really nosedived last weeks.

So in a way admire you for doing so.