Monday, December 8, 2008

Even I'm confused

Well I was back at the airport last night, no where else to go and had to get out of the house. For a while I actually thought I had a flight to catch like I was going some where for a business meeting, except I wasnt and I don't have a business.

I don't work mondays it is my stay at home mum day. So I am looking after my son and he is destroying everything the way toddlers do.

I am really struggling with sleep. Everytime I try and get to sleep I get this feeling, a feeling of being smothered and I wake again. I feel so edgy and I am dreading going to work tomorrow even though it is only for a few hours. I feel the thoughts slowly returning to me- thoughts of worthlessness, hopelessness and I can't cope with having to be ok, having to make work, work, everything work.

I am confused as well, confused about my illness, whether I am ill and even just looking at my son now it's as if he is a stranger to me, everyone is a stranger especially the person staring back at me in the mirror. I have this floaty feeling like I am a ghost and no-one can really see me, because I don't exist, because I never did.

8 comments:

Polar Bear said...

I'm sorry things have been so rough for you. I hope you feel better soon.

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

Can't write for all who suffer with MH problems, distress, trauma but I sometimes am in a state of weird detachment. I look at myself and don't recognise me there. Others around me too seem not exactly distorted but I don't feel part of them...is a bit like they are strangers but I know I know them really.

I get confused a fair bit. There is much in this world to be confused about. :>)

I don't know about others but my brain will keep trying to heal itself. Perhaps that is a fundamental part of being human. The brain trying to resolve whatever problems it comes up against. Even when it is an illness to do with the brain.

Anyway, I think it is good that the brain tries to resolve things but sometimes a bit of calm time, not trying to sort things is needed.

Plus you are back at work today so hope your brain gets occupied in other things that are positive for you.

Catch up later x

Lola Snow said...

I totally identify with this, I loath those moments. I get massively disorientated when I'm about to hit a mood swing. The world seems everything is too real or not real enough. A bit like when you say a name or a word over and over again, but it's not in a sentence, eventually it becomes meaningless or alien. Life sort of loses it's context for moment. I hope it passes by you quickly.

Lola x

La-reve said...

Polar Bear- thanks for coming over nad commetning, things bearable (no pun intnded )

Mandy- there is a lot to be confused about, and not being able to make sense of yourself makes it difficult to understand anything else. Work occupies me but also makes me realise how things I used to be so easy to do are now so difficult.

Lola Snow- I think this disorientation is the sign of a serious mood shift which is what is os scary. I too hope it passes by. Thanks for comment and popping by, and for the empathy :)

Hannah said...

Hiya, thought I'd pop by. Sorry things aren't going well for you either at the moment and hope you manage to get some proper sleep, it sometimes helps me a little with my mood if I get a good night's sleep.

I sometimes get a weird detachment thing as well, it's horrible but you do exist and I really hope things pcik up soon.

Hannah

colouredmind said...

I am sorry things aren't great at the moment. Its wednesday now so I assume your back at work, I hope things are easier. Hannah X

La-reve said...

Hannah and Colouredmind

Thanks for the comments
I got some sleep last night and things are looking a little clearer and I have a bit more energy. Not at work today, so some work out crap in head time. x

Anonymous said...

I think that it is awsome that you are able to do this..... I mean blog it all out on here. I know that I totally identify with the way that you feel, 200%. You really got me with this comment because I have a family and I have two children of my own and he has two from his previouse and the depression that I experience just from trying to make it from one day to the next and the hollow feeling that comes from it all at the end of the day is unreal. I have to use so that I can cope and I have been doing this for a loooooong time. And I don't see it changing anytime soon. NOPE NOT AT ALLIt is that ever present feeling of not being connected to anything or anyone around you no matter how hard you try and needing to remind yourself to try....Everyday. I dont know which is harder? Trying and not succeeding or never knowing how to change it. I know that I will struggle with the way that this feels for the rest of my life and part of that acceptance is the only thing that gives me any real peace about my situation. I know that I am who I am and it will always be me throughout every fiber of my being whether I wanted it this way or not, it is who I am. I just wish that I could do something about the feeling of restlessness and nervous energy that comes with it. That is also something that tends to get me into trouble..... Wanting to crawl out of your skin and hating how the world ticks day in and day out, there is no real relief from it. Self preservation becomes such a big task and then people not understanding how you feel or why and the feeling that you are letting the people around you down everyday only compounds it all. I know that there will be peace from it one day.........Just dont know when???