Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Loneliness

I can’t sleep I didn’t take my Seroquel and I have withdrawal insomnia.

Sitting here alone whilst the house and world seems so quiet I have nothing to do but think. I came to the realisation of how lonely I am. I have spent too many nights sat up alone, listening to ticking clocks and counting down hours and despite my time googling or in blogland I am isolated and alone. As much as I feel a connection to those who blog or comment or read I am here and you are there and there is limit to the connection. Those who know me in real terms don’t understand me, can’t, can never comprehend how it feels to be this way. Don’t know because I don’t tell them – don’t know because they can only empathise and it’s not enough. I miss my friends, friends who never call anymore. Friends who get angry when I do silly things or end up at hospital, friends who avoid awkward conversations and questions by avoiding me.

When I was young, I wanted so much to stand out from the crowd to be different, unique. And now the only thing that makes me stand out and different is MY ILLNESS. And so now all I want is to be another face in the crowd , another rational, sane average Jo or Joan. Ironic isn’t it?

And so I blog, and I’m not really sure to what purpose. To make sense of things? To record events and moods? To get out what I could never say to anyone?. Partly all of these but mostly because nobody wants to be a lone raft in an endless ocean. Yet, with all the beacons of blogland and with all my endless ramblings I have never felt more alone then how I feel right now. And with the thought that I may never cure the illness, how can I cure loneliness?

I feel this is the way my life will be from now on. Some kind of double life. Happy and easy-going, putting on a brave face to everyone during the day, and melancholic at nights and when alone. A dual identity. A kind of warped super hero but without the powers. If no man/woman is an island I am doing a good job at it. Maybe I have built my own walls around me and now no one can enter. But even if they could I doubt they would. These should be some of the best years of my life and yet I can’t help but wish them away, but when you are awake for days on end they drag on and on. A week is an eternity and that’s a lot of silent hours. To finish a quote:

I fear me this -- is Loneliness --
The Maker of the soul
Its Caverns and its Corridors
Illuminate -- or seal –
Emily Dickinson

11 comments:

Abysmal Musings said...

Just saying you're not alone. Those quiet hours as the clock ticks and the owl hoots. Familiar to most of us I suppose. I try to fill them if I can't sleep. I suppose I give up on sleep sometimes. It will come back again. And when I can't bear to do anything I sit and think, and yes it often is a process of thinking into a hole and out again. Sometimes I think practice makes perfect.

Does this sound stupid? It's as if when I have to go through all of the black rooms one by one, I find it easier to do it if not willingly, then at least with my eyes open. It is worse wearing a blindfold.

I hope you feel better soon. Feel free to get in touch if you need someone to talk at.

Take care, D

La-reve said...

Thanks D
Glad to know I'm not the only one up. It's just hard to know where one day starts and another begins without the break of sleep. x

themadandwild said...

Your definitely not alone.

Abysmal Musings said...

Yeah, it's a git isn't it. The moon isn't helping. Nor the snow - like daylight out there. Come to think of it, this shiny screen isn't helping either! I should turn it off and read a book or something! Yellow light restful (good), blue light wakeful (bad)... so they say.

Well, made eight pots tonight. Last night at four I got the notion to take a shovel, walk up to the village carparking place and clear all the snow. None of these things actually help. Even memorising the telephone directory can get interesting when sleep skips away on winged sandals.

Oh well, hope you get some kip anyway. Here's hoping, D x

(p.s. your spamword is 'energlu' - New Improved ENERGLU - sticks mania firmly!)

Nick said...

I know it probably doesn't mean much, but you can always send me an email any time if you want to talk :)

It was hard to read this post because I can relate so much (sorry if I'm repeating myself) to what you wrote. It's so difficult putting on the facade for everyone else's benefit. I know it's only small-talk but I feel bad for lying if anyone asks "how are you?", people don't want to hear that you feel like you'd be better off dead...

I hope the insomnia lessens soon, at least, Lareve. Take care.

Nick

Polar Bear said...

I'm familiar with that loneliness you are talking about. I know it's painful, it's all consuming sometimes. And I think it's usually worst at nights. Why aren;t you taking your Seroquel?

I know that I can't deal with insomnia very well. The nights can be so endless, so painful. On nights I really can't sleep, I take some sleeping meds to help me along. (Seroquel amazingly doesn't make me dopey anymore).

Do get some sleep. Ity's important to get enough sleep otherwise it affects the mood as well.

Take care
Polar B

Joan said...

I know a side effect of chronic loneliness are sleep problems. It becomes quite a vicious cycle, doesn't it? Good honest post, thanks.

Mandy said...

Hi Lareve

I think it is one of the good things about blogging that if you can't sleep you can come on here and connect with other people who are struggling with sleep too.

For me, and possibly due to bipolar, I can't go without sleep for too long. Well, I can but I end up in acute care. Did the last time, due to the burn out.

Have you come off the Q tablet? Not saying that is wrong but one of the side effects (be it good or bad) of heavy meds is that they tend to bring sleep...even when you are awake..if you get my drift).

Hugs from here and you know where I am, if needed...which is more than I do. Ha! ha! xx

La-reve said...

Thanks everyone for the messages and the support :) makes me feel a little less lonely. x

Abysmal musings- I never got my sleep last night or night before but thanks for keeping me entertained,

Themadandwild- thanks for reading and comment. you're right I am not alone we are all drifting together-together. together but still ultimately alone.

Nick- I'm glad you can relate sorry if it was too close to mark. When people ask how you are? they really want the real answer. You know that

Joan- Thank you it was honest but how I feel. thanks for stopping by and commenting.

Mandy and Polar Bear. I have not come off Seroquel as much as ran out and not been given anymore in weird place and don't have the energy to chase them when I was promised they would be brought to me. I have been awake now for 46 hours. I feel this may be triggering a shift in mood, which I know is what you both were suggesting would happen. C'est la vie.

Nick said...

No need to apologise Lareve. I didn't mean it in a nasty way, sorry :(

I don't think most people are really interested when they ask me that, it's just a standard thing they just say anyway.

La-reve said...

Nick I meant they rarely want the real answer -as in they just want you to say ok. :)